Aug. 9th, 2009

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com
Dear Snugglebunny,

Yeah, I knew that would get your attention. The problem is, now that I have it, I'm not sure what to do with it. Writing letters about us and relationships and the future is not as easy as it sounds. I feel like there should be some kind of dialogue. Instead I feel like I'm talking to myself instead of to you, and talking to you is the whole point. I'll do my best, though, so just bear with me. 

I guess the first thing I want to talk about is the baby. I'm sorry about the way it happened. Well, the 'way' it happened was fun but the circumstances weren't what either of us wanted. I know it's been difficult for you and I know it's been an added stress you really didn't need and I'm truly sorry for that. I'm not sorry about the baby, though. I'm not going to pretend I'm not thrilled, and if I tried to pretend, you'd know I was lying. Being a mother is important to me. I was prepared to do it alone. I'm not sure how well I would've done on my own but I would've done my best.

I'm glad Junior has a father, though, and I'm glad it's you. You will certainly be an unusual father but  there's nothing wrong with that. Your unique view of life will give Junior a very different perspective. You'll show her--or him--to be willing to be different, to be true to herself, to ignore the rules when they don't make sense. You'll be both role model and cautionary tale in one. Maybe we all are, though. There are things I hope Junior learns from me, and things I hope she doesn't. Ultimately, that's why I think we'll make a good team as parents. Your strengths are not my strengths. With any luck, this kid will learn the good stuff from each of us, and we'll cancel out on the bad stuff.

Honestly, I think that's part of why it's important to me to raise Junior in the Jewish community. I can guess what you're thinking but hear me out, okay? You can teach our kid to be strong and independent, to march to a different beat even if that beat is out of sync with the rest of the world. You've certainly lived that life. I get the feeling, though, you've also been isolated for a lot of your life, alone, lonely. Maybe you wanted it that way, maybe it's what you had to adjust to. I'd like our kid to not have to feel alone like that.

I grew up having not just my family and friends but an entire community of people who shared the same history and culture. (In fact, if thinking of it as a culture and not a religion is easier for you, then call it a culture.) That's always been a source of strength for me and it's something I want our kid to have. I want Junior to know he's part of something bigger. I want him to have a solid foundation that will make it easier for him to go out and conquer the world. I know you feel as strongly about your position as I do about mine and we're going to have to hammer out some kind of compromise. I just wanted you to understand some of why it's important to me.

I suppose that's enough with the negatives for now. I guess I'll finish by saying how much I've missed you. I'm hopeful you'll be home soon. If you're not ready before the baby's born, then it'll still be okay. Disappointing but okay. Because what I've realized since you've been in the hospital is that I've been missing you for much longer than you've been in Mayfield. The PTSD and the depression have been taking you away from me for a while now. I don't know why I didn't see it before. Maybe stupidity, maybe it just snuck up on me so slowly I didn't realize what was happening. It happened, though. It was stealing your life from you and you away from me. So stay at Mayfield as long you need to, because when you come home, I want all of you home.

Love
C
 

October 2010

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