ext_117805 ([identity profile] whatstheddx.livejournal.com) wrote in [community profile] cuddys_house2009-12-27 01:46 pm

Friday 1st of June, 2007 - late afternoon

"No offence," Wilson said, reaching for another fry from his plate, "but it's probably a combination of not just Cuddy being tired but I wouldn't be surprised if she's also seeing a little too much of you. Cabin House fever. You know how your charming presence rubs off on people."

Seated on the other side of the formica table in the cafe he and Wilson had decided to dine at for the night - one of their 'boys nights out' - House eyed Wilson while clutching his burger between his hands. Sauce dripped onto his plate, along with a couple of stray strands of shredded lettuce. He was unimpressed by Wilson's assessment, having confided in him over dinner what was going on between Cuddy and himself, but he also knew Wilson probably had a point. In fact, the thought that he and Cuddy were seeing too much of each other had already crossed his mind. Fatigue would only exacerbate that, too. It had been a few days since their somewhat horrendous day at home where Cuddy had lost the plot and he'd lost the plot even further.

He glanced down at the burger, then hunched over to take a large bite. "So, what are you suggesting?" he asked, his left cheek bulging out as he chewed. "I back off for a while? Pay only arranged visits to see Emma?"

Wilson was dabbing and dragging a small bunch of fries through a blob of ketchup he'd squirted on the edge of his plate. He shook his head. "Why do you always jump to the most extreme and ridiculous conclusion?"

"'Cabin House fever' doesn't exactly paint a quaint picture."

Wilson wiped his mouth with his napkin. "I was making a point."

"That point being?"

"That Cuddy needs a break. From you, from Emma. And she tired. Meaning, you should do something for her."

House thought about that for a moment. With nothing coming to mind, he asked, "Like what?"

Wilson gave a show of hands. "She's your girlfriend. You come up with something." He gave a quiet, exasperated sigh when House leaned in with a direct and prompting look on his face. "I don't know. Hire a babysitter. Take Cuddy out somewhere, somewhere she enjoys."

"As if Cuddy would leave Emma alone with a babysitter," House retorted.

Wilson couldn't deny House was wrong there. He shrugged. "You look after Emma, then. Let Cuddy go out for a day."

"She probably wouldn't want to do that, either. The kid is always permanently attached to some part of Cuddy's anatomy."

"Fine. Arrange something for Cuddy, so she has to go out. But make it something good, something special. Something she'd get something out of. Maybe as a token of appreciation for her on your part, as well."


"Like... something relaxing for her. A day spa, perhaps. A massage. A place where they do the whole pampering thing. You'd be giving her the best of both worlds then - relaxation and time away from you."

House turned his gaze away thoughtfully. That actually wasn't a bad idea, and one he hadn't even considered until right now. Cuddy had complained quite a few times of feeling bloated, fat, aching, a whole bunch of adjectives that he didn't agree with but there was no arguing a woman into common sense when she was convinced she looked as bad as she claimed she did. Setting his burger down, he reached across the table to snatch a few of Wilson's fries. "Every once in a while, you solve all my problems."

"Glad I could be of help. You have your own fries, by the way," Wilson replied impatiently.

House just shrugged and, feeling more relaxed now he had an idea in mind, smirked triumphantly as he popped the fries in his mouth.

* * *

It was heading for late afternoon when House pulled into Cuddy's driveway. He'd headed out earlier in the day to grab some groceries while Emma was down for a sleep, also to grab a few things from his apartment. He'd also done a bit of research into the local day spas around Princeton and came up trumps with a place that he was certain Cuddy would like.

The only thing that had had him hesitating was the number of packages and what the hell Cuddy would like most. Eventually, he'd settled on a gift certificate after the woman behind the desk had talked him through the different things the spa had to offer. It was an "essentials" package, which came with a facial, a Swedish massage, lunch, manicure and pedicure, and hair treatment - a full day at the spa and fully paid for once he handed over his credit card.

The gift certificate was tucked away in his jeans pocket while he carted the groceries into the kitchen and brought in a backpack of stuff from his apartment. Emma was awake; after giving her belly a rub and tickling her chin while she lay on the floor, happy and kicking, he went back to the kitchen to help Cuddy put the groceries away. "She sleep long?" he asked, gesturing for Cuddy to pass over a few items so he could put them away in the pantry.

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com 2009-12-27 04:07 am (UTC)(link)
Cuddy folded a load of freshly laundered towels on the couch while Emma lay on the floor. Emma's eyesight was developing rapidly. Her ability to focus and track objects was already decidedly better than it had been at birth. Because of that, she seemed to be more interested in things like her playmat or mobiles. Cuddy had sat the arch of toys over her and she was staring up in fascination. She still didn't have the motor control to reach up and deliberately play with the toys but the random movements of her arms occasionally hit something purely by accident.

House had gone out for a while to mess around with Wilson. While that meant Cuddy had total responsibility for Emma, she had to admit it was kind of nice to have him gone for a few hours. She appreciated all he'd done helping out with Emma and the housework. She especially appreciated him taking over one of the nighttime feedings. It was only a few extra hours of sleep but it made a huge difference to her. She was still tired, of course, but she no longer felt like she was at the very end of a very frayed rope.

So yeah, she truly did appreciate all he'd done...but sometimes she needed a break from him. House had such a strong personality, he seemed to fill the whole house. His moods could affect the way the very air felt. Even on a good day, he could be a bit overwhelming. She was usually strong enough to keep herself grounded but being worn down by new motherhood, she didn't always have the energy. This time apart had been a nice chance for her to just be herself without worrying about how that affected him or how he affected her. It was a little breather, and she suspected he needed it as much as she did.

"Daddy's home," she said when she heard the door opening. Emma startled slightly at the sound of her mother's voice but she went right back to staring at her toys. Comfortable that Emma was safe and happy for the moment, Cuddy went into the kitchen to put away the groceries. She started with the perishables, putting the milk and yogurt away in the fridge. She was just about to start on the fruit when House re-entered the kitchen.

"Not long," she admitted, handing him some cans of soup to put away. "That's okay, though. She's been in a relatively good mood. Besides, I keep hoping she'll sleep more at night if she's awake more during the day." She pulled a box of cereal and a couple boxes of pasta from a bag and handed them to him to be stowed away in the cupboard. "So...how's Wilson?"

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com 2009-12-27 03:53 pm (UTC)(link)
Cuddy simply nodded as House described his afternoon with Wilson. She didn't really care about the particulars. She knew it didn't matter what House and Wilson did together. What mattered was simply spending time together. Whatever it was House got out of their friendship was important to House. He needed it, which was why she never objected to him spending time with Wilson. She occasionally objected to what they did when they spent time together but she didn't begrudge House that time.

She understood, after all. She had a lot of acquaintances--it sort of came with her job--but only a very few true friends. She didn't get to see those friends very often because they all had jobs and families and it was hard to make time to get away for a girl's night. When they did, though, it was more than worth it. Those were the people Cuddy could be herself with. She could laugh and complain and even cry and know the others would understand. It was a real boost to her psychological well-being.

She put the last few things away in the cupboards. She meant to go right back to the living room to check on Emma. Judging by the sounds she was making, Emma was obviously entertaining herself but Cuddy was curious as to what was so entertaining. She stopped short, though, when House said he had soemthing for her.

"Is it a good something or a bad something?" she asked. Trusting House still wasn't something that came naturally. With the big things, yes, she generally did trust him to do the right thing, but on a day to day basis.... Well, he hadn't changed. He still loved practical jokes. He loved to rile her up. It just never paid to trust him entirely.

She shrugged, then, and held out her hand while closing her eyes. If he was planning a practical joke, she'd simply get her revenge at a later time.

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com 2009-12-27 04:30 pm (UTC)(link)
"Nothing with you is ever safe," Cuddy said dryly, forcing herself to keep her hand out and her eyes closed. She didn't really mean it...except just a little. House was not a 'safe' person. Sometimes that was a good thing, very good. And sometimes it wasn't so good. The problem was she could never anticipate which way his surprises were going to go.

Her eyes shot open as he laid the envelope in her hand but she was reacting to the fact this surprise was going to take a whole day, not the barely noticeable pressure of the envelope across her palm. Her shoulders tensed as she gripped the envelope. Did he mean she was going to have to be away from Emma for a whole day?

"Did you sign me up for a stripper's convention?" she asked. She slipped her finger under the flap and popped the envelope open. She pulled out the gift certificate and stared at it for a moment, trying to take it in. A spa day sounded amazing and heaven knew she could use a little pampering. But right on the heels of those thoughts came the feeling she shouldn't do it. That she didn't deserve it. She had a new baby to care for and she didn't think she should be skipping off and indulging herself.

"It's...exactly what I need," she said. She looked up at House, her expression uncertain. "But a whole day?"

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com 2009-12-28 03:49 am (UTC)(link)
"Yeah, but...a whole day?"

A day at the spa would normally be her idea of heaven on earth. Facial, manicure, massage...dear god a massage would be damn near orgasmic. She'd feel like a new woman after a full day's treatment. A new woman who was relaxed and happy and actually looked like a competent, professional, put-together woman. She'd almost forgotten what that looked like let alone felt like. She'd like to remember feeling that way, she really would.

And yet.... And yet she felt guilty at the idea of leaving Emma for the day just because she was struggling to deal with motherhood. Her loss of control Sunday morning was still all too fresh in her mind. Even though she'd been doing better emotionally over the last couple of days, she still felt she needed to get a better grip on being a mother and that wasn't going to happen if she ran off to the spa every time she got down, even if it was House's idea and not hers.

"No," she said, abruptly pulled from her thoughts when House questioned her trust. "No, I know you can take care of her. You proved that." She looked down at the certificate in her hand. She wanted to be pampered. She definitely wanted it but....

"It's not about you," she continued with a subtle shake of her head. "You're fine with her. It's me. It's...I haven't exactly got this Mommy thing down. I haven't earned a day off."

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com 2009-12-28 04:35 am (UTC)(link)
"It's not just whether I've earned it."

That was a big part of it, though. She had no objection to pampering herself, to buying the expensive clothes and jewelry she liked, to eating at a good restaurant or going to a spa, but she had to feel like she'd done something to deserve it. Maybe that was silly but it was the way she'd been raised--you had to work for the good things in life or they didn't mean anything.

Beyond the issue of having earned a day at the spa, there was also the issue of being away from Emma. House's comment about taking Emma to his place for a night only reminded her how stressful that was going to be. She knew he wouldn't do anything wrong...well, he would do things wrong by her standards but Emma would survive. Cuddy would survive, too. It was simply the thought of not having her baby close at hand. She wasn't sure she was ready to deal with her separation anxiety.

"No, that won't be necessary," she said. She had no doubt he would drag her to the spa but that wouldn't be helpful. She either had to go voluntarily or not at all, because she wouldn't enjoy herself if she was forced to go. She might not enjoy herself even if she wasn't dragged but the odds were a little better.

She looked down as House pushed her hand close to her body, and then she looked up at him. "And what am I going to do about these?" she asked, waving her other hand at her breasts. She got uncomfortably engorged just waiting between Emma's feedings. She couldn't imagine the pain of going all day. "I'll have to take the breast pump with me or they'll explode."

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com 2009-12-28 01:58 pm (UTC)(link)
"I'll either have to take the pump or Emma," she said. She wasn't sure which would be more distracting but it didn't really matter. She obviously couldn't take Emma with her. God, but what a pain in the ass a breast pump was going to be. She was going to have to interrupt her day and find a private place to go pump at least once during the day. Either that or sit there hooked up like a dairy cow while she got a pedicure.... No, that wasn't going to happen.

She heard the exasperation in House's voice before he ran off to check on Emma. He must've thought Emma would be the more pleasant option at the moment, and she couldn't blame him. He'd done something he thought was thoughtful--and it actually was thoughtful--and she was only looking at the downside. It wasn't his fault he couldn't fully understand the tangle of emotions and thoughts she was having right now. Half the time she didn't understand them.

So now, because she didn't have this Mommy thing figured out, she'd hurt his feelings. He needed to learn to let some of her hormonally charged thoughts roll off him but she also needed to learn to just keep her misgivings to herself instead of trying to talk them out with him. He always took it as a personal rejection and she should know better by now.

She followed him to the living room, gently stroking the back of Emma's head as she approached them. "He's right, you know," she told Emma. "Mommy doesn't put up with this whiny nonsense."

She looked up at House with a rueful expression. "I'm sorry. You did something nice and I should've just said thank you instead of worrying about all the details. So thank you."

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com 2009-12-28 06:43 pm (UTC)(link)
"It does matter. I should've just said thank you and shut up." It obviously mattered to him. Clearly he wasn't happy that she hadn't started dancing for joy when he'd given her the gift certificate. She couldn't help that--she just wasn't in a 'dancing for joy' place--but she knew she needed to give him positive feedback when he made an effort to please her, even if he didn't get it just right. Otherwise, he'd just stop trying.

As for the details.... Well, she should be able to cope with the details. Half her job at the hospital was dealing with details. Running a hospital was very different to being a new mother but the basic organizational skills required couldn't be all that different. She ought be able to manage better.

She started to gather up the freshly laundered and folded towels from the couch as House took a seat. She turned to stare at him, stunned, when he told her to stop breastfeeding.

"You can't be serious," she said, grabbing at the towel on top of the stack as it began to fall off. He knew as well as she did breastfeeding was the best way for a baby to get its nutrition. Formula was adequate--plenty of babies did just fine with it--but it would always be the second best option for a healthy mother. And Cuddy was healthy. A little frazzled, yes, but healthy. There was no good reason for her to quit breastfeeding. Her own inconvenience certainly wasn't a good reason. Unless...House thought she simply wasn't capable of handling everything.

"I know I haven't figured everything out but it's only been a couple of weeks," she said, grabbing the rest of the towels and washclothes from the couch and shoving them haphazardly in her arms. Her face was flushed--a little bit of anger but mostly a feeling of humiliation at the suggestion she couldn't handle being a mother.

"Just give me a little more time. I'll get the hang of it."

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com 2009-12-29 03:55 am (UTC)(link)
He might not have used those specific words but as far as she was concerned, his words implied he thought she didn't know what she was doing. Or maybe that she simply wasn't doing it well. Either way, she felt like he felt she was incompetent, which only dragged up all the other times he'd told she was incompetent. The times he'd told her she wasn't a 'real' doctor, the times he'd told she was a failure with men, the time he'd told she was only good for test tube babies. All those old hurts lingered right under the surface and it didn't take much to bring them right back.

When House took Emma to the nursery, Cuddy marched down the hall to the linen closet, her arms full of towels. She shoved them in the closet, her jaw set stubbornly. She refused to give into all the negative feelings that had been dredged up. She couldn't stop the feelings but she damn well was going to control how she reacted. She wasn't going to completely lose control of herself like she had the other morning.

She shoved the closet door closed once she'd unloaded all the towels, then she walked on into her bedroom. She could hear Emma crying and that only got on her nerves. She could tell they were half-hearted cries, the kind that would fade pretty quickly without help but it still grated on her. She wrapped her arms around her chest and paced the room, trying to not hear the crying.

She stopped and looked at House when he came to the doorway. She listened to him and.... Yes, she needed a little time to herself but she wished he'd ask her what she needed or wanted instead of just telling her. Going out to meet a friend for coffee or going to the spa for just a massage--that would help. Being pushed out the door for an entire day was causing her more distress than taking care of Emma did because she didn't have any more control over that than she did of anything else in her life right now.

"I'm not saying I don't need some time to myself. I'm not ashamed to admit that sometimes I need a little peace and quiet. But...."

And she couldn't tell House any of what she was feeling because he wouldn't hear what she needed, he'd only hear a rejection and she simply could not cope with that fight. She needed to talk to someone who understood but she didn't know anyone who would understand. She didn't know anyone else with a new baby and a genius boyfriend with serious psychological issues.

She closed her eyes and cringed when Emma let out a faint wail. It was killing her to not go and hold her baby and comfort her. "If I ask you to give me a hug, will you do that?" she asked. "Just hold me?"

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com 2009-12-29 04:02 pm (UTC)(link)
"I know you are. I appreciate that. I know it doesn't seem like it but I do."

God, and now she had to feel guilty for not appreciating his gesture enough. The thing was, she did appreciate the thought behind the gesture, it just wasn't the right gesture. Or maybe it was the right gesture but the wrong time. Whatever the reason, it wasn't making her happy or relaxed.

All she would've asked for was a couple hours to herself, a couple hours when no one was making demands of her, not Emma, not House, not anyone. Instead, he'd--unwittingly--placed one more demand on her. She really had no choice but to force herself to go to the spa for an entire day and pretend to be happy about it, which was only going to undermine the result he'd been aiming for--she was going to end up more stressed than before.

Her only other choice was to refuse the gift and that would only make him unhappy which would reinforce what an ungrateful, selfish bitch she was being. She was especially sensitive to that because she knew she was supposed to supporting him as he tried to recover from his psychological problems. She didn't have the luxury of being selfish.

She had her arms wrapped tightly around him, her cheek pressed against the wrinkled fabric of his shirt. She needed this--being held and comforted--more than she needed a day at a spa. She'd go, though. She'd be stressed out no matter what she did but if she went, at least she wouldn't be contributing to his stress.

"It's okay," she said quietly, pulling back slightly. Her face was pale but composed. It wasn't the first time she'd had to make the best of a situation. It was only one day. She'd manage.

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com 2009-12-29 11:40 pm (UTC)(link)
"It is. It'll be fine," Cuddy insisted. She felt horrible for messing up his happiness. She knew he'd been excited to give her the day at the spa. She knew he really meant to make her happy. It wasn't really his fault she couldn't accept the gift with the same enthusiasm he'd had in giving it to her.

"I don't know," she said when he asked what wouldn't make her stressed. There probably weren't a lot of options these days but.... "Just having a couple hours to myself even if all I do is go to the coffee shop and spend an hour drinking an over-priced latte. Or window shopping. Or...anything where no one's telling me what to do or expecting anything from me."

And something where she didn't have to bring a backpack of supplies just to get through the day. Taking a whole day meant dragging the breast pump with her, interrupting whatever she was doing and finding a place to use it...which meant she'd probably end up in a toilet with a machine attached to her breasts and thumping away for everyone to hear. Then she'd have to find a refrigerator to store the expressed milk in.

Even if she got to pump every time she needed to, she'd still leak--because she always did--so she'd have to keep her bra on at all times and keep a supply of nursing pads handy. She couldn't forget a supply of sanitary napkins, either, because she still had that mess going on. House might think it was no big deal to go out for a day but she suspected he'd change his tune if he'd had to drag that crap with him on his day out with Wilson.

Ultimately, it was simply more work than it was worth to go out for the day. And that didn't even take into account the fact she really wasn't ready to be away from Emma that long. Taking care of Emma was a big part of what was wearing her down but she didn't want to be away from her or shirk her responsibilities. She wanted to take care of Emma; she simply wanted a small respite so she'd be in a better mood while she did it.

She leaned in against House again, her arms resting loosely around his waist. "Will you be angry if I call the spa and try to rearrange things a bit?" she asked. "Maybe I could just get a massage tomorrow or a pedicure or something and reschedule the rest for another day."

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com 2009-12-30 01:27 am (UTC)(link)
"I do want to go. It's a good idea," she said. "It's just...too much to do all at once. I need to take things in smaller bites right now."

She truly had nothing against getting a massage. Or a manicure or a facial or any other pampering the spa had to offer. She liked being pampered. She could use a little pampering, House was right about that. She simply couldn't cope with the demands it put on her, however small those demands might seem to anyone else. She needed a break from demands--that was the whole point of going to a spa.

House didn't do small bites, though. It was all or nothing with him and he didn't understand that she was more comfortable following a middle path. Extremes of any kind made her uncomfortable. She admired his ability to go all out but it wasn't her way.

She pulled her head back and looked up at him. She lifted her hand to his cheek and tilted his head down so she could meet his eyes.

"I'm sorry. I know you wanted to make me feel better, and the fact you wanted to make to make me feel better does make me feel better," she told him. "It's just the details of the plan that need a little tweaking."

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com 2009-12-30 01:47 pm (UTC)(link)
"That would just make a lot of work for you," she said when he suggested he bring Emma to the spa. It would, too. Just getting Emma in and out of her carseat could be a challenge, and then toting along the diaper bag--just in case--not to mention if House didn't time it right, he'd have to listen to a hungry, screaming baby.... She understood he was trying to find some way to give her a day off but it didn't seem worth it just to bring her to Cuddy to nurse. Especially since it would only cut a little bit of bother out of Cuddy's day.

His suggestion did bring up some other ideas, though. "What if I take half a day--spend the morning at the spa--and you bring Emma to me around lunchtime and I could nurse her then?" If she nursed just before leaving, she could probably manage without pumping until lunch. She'd be uncomfortable and feeling like her breasts were going to burst but she could manage. Emma would probably need a bottle around mid-morning but Cuddy knew he could handle that without any trouble. The timing might not work out perfectly but it was doable.

"And then, when I'm done nursing, maybe we could go out to lunch...?" she suggested. She'd let her hand slip down from his cheek to his chest and she gave him a small pat over his heart. "We haven't gone out for a meal for...a long time. We could just go to the deli and grab a couple sandwiches. If the weather's good, we could even go to the park and have a little picnic."

She looked up at him with hopeful expression. "It might be nice for all of us to get out of the house for a while."

[identity profile] hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com 2010-01-01 03:25 pm (UTC)(link)
Cuddy relaxed a bit when House agreed to her suggestion. He could be so incredibly stubborn when he got an idea in his head. She'd fully expected him to keep pushing for a full spa day even though he now knew it really wasn't the best idea for her. His willingness to compromise--however reluctant it was--took some pressure off of her.

"That's...probably a good idea," she agreed when he volunteered to swing by the deli first. She could make sure the diaper bag was packed and all he'd have to do was get Emma and the bag in the car. Of course, things never turned out as simple as they should when a baby was involved--or when House was involved--but she thought he'd be able to manage a stop at the deli. She'd love to be a fly on the wall, though, and watch him cope with a baby as he did his errands.

She smiled and shook her head when he threatened to harass the spa employees. "If they know what's good for them, they won't argue with you." Even people who had no prior knowledge of House learned very quickly it was better to let him have what he wanted. Those who insisted on arguing, well, they got all the stubborn, pissy genius they could handle. Of course, she didn't just let him have what he wanted but that was completely different. She argued with him for his own good, and she firmly believed that.

"Thank you," she said, looping her arms up around his shoulders and lifting up slightly on the balls of her feet to kiss him. "For the spa treatment and for compromising on half the spa treatment."

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