cuddys_house | early afternoon, Tuesday, January 2, 2007

early afternoon, Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Cuddy found herself trying to evade dozens of questions and consults and demands as she made her way to the OB-GYN clinic for her ultrasound. Why was it that when she really, truly needed to be somewhere, that's when everyone suddenly seemed to need her? It was as if an alert had been sent out through the hospital and now her staff was conspiring to stop her from reaching her destination. She finally cut over to a back stairway and then nearly ran from the stairwell to the clinic door. It wasn't the most professional behavior but at that point she didn't care. She was taking personal time to go to her appointment and personal time meant no one was allowed to interrupt with professional concerns. Unless someone was dying. Or the hospital was burning down. But other than that, no interruptions.

She glanced around before entering the clinic, hoping to see House. She'd emailed him a reminder about the appointment that morning but otherwise she hadn't said anything. He knew when the appointment was and he'd said he'd be there but she couldn't help but wonder if he would actually show up. She could've gone to get him from his office but...well, if he wasn't coming it was probably because he'd decided to have a little freak out over the baby. In that case, her presence might only make it worse. She decided to leave him to attend the appointment of his own free will, although she couldn't promise there wouldn't be some serious discussion that night if he didn't show up.

The last couple of weeks since they'd reconciled had been pretty good. Not perfect. Their relationship would never be perfect, if such a thing even existed. But their squabbles had been relatively minor and they'd dealt with them without letting small problems blow up into major fights. They'd even enjoyed a night out for House's birthday. Cuddy had taken him out for dinner and then to a jazz club and he hadn't stared at another woman once. Of course, that may have been because the club was too dark for quality ogling but she'd taken it for what it was worth. In a way, she supposed it was almost like being back in the honeymoon phase given how long they'd been apart, but there was a difference. Now they knew just how much they wanted to be together and how much they were going to have to work at it.

Barbara Patil was waiting for Cuddy, a smile on her face as she ushered Cuddy into the exam room where the ultrasound was set up and ready to go. Cuddy felt a flutter of nerves, which was a little uncomfortable. She'd had to down a big bottle of water to make sure her bladder was full for the exam. It was plenty full, and that made any stimulus an uncomfortable reminder of the fact.

"You can put on a gown but it's just as easy to pull your shirt up and your pants down," Barbara said as she pulled a stool over next to the exam table and turned on the ultrasound machine. "The gel can be messy but it won't stain."

"I don't need a gown." Cuddy glanced back at the closed door. She wanted to wait for House before they began but she didn't want to ask Barbara to wait if he wasn't going to show up. She sat on the table and lay back, giving a big sigh as she pulled her shirt up to expose the growing swell of her abdomen.

"That's a big sigh," Barbara said. "Nervous?"

"Not exactly," Cuddy said. She was a little nervous. There was always a small possibility that something bad would show up but it was mostly anticipation that made her nervous. That and wondering if House was going to make an appearance. "It's just that...." Cuddy was interrupted by the sound of the exam room door opening.

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House hadn't forgotten about the ultrasound but when he got an email reminder about it from Cuddy not long after he arrived at work, a sharp twist of anxiety erupted in him.

Stupid because it was just a routine ultrasound. Except this was it. He was going to see this kid, alive and with a beating heartbeat and real, and he wasn't sure he was ready to do that. He could see Cuddy's belly getting bigger and bigger, and that was more than enough of a reminder of what was going on inside her and what was going to happen in less than five months' time.

His thoughts about the baby had swung in sharp turns all over the place since he'd gotten back together with Cuddy. In some ways, he felt more torn about the baby than he did when he was much less willing to accept it. Sometimes, he was back at that very place, refusing to accept or even acknowledge that he was going to be a father. Other times, he felt accepting of it but not without caution. In some ways, too, he felt like an outsider to it all sometimes; an observer on the outside looking in on Cuddy's pregnancy, a part of it without feeling included. And when those moments hit, he often then realised why on earth he wanted to feel included.

He spent the first part of the morning doing an hour of clinic rotation, seeing he'd been rostered back into working in that circle of hell. But once he was rotation was over, he returned to his office with little to do other than think and try not to think. Wilson came in to see him at one point during Wilson's lunch break, sitting at House's desk while eating food. House ended up confessing that Cuddy was having an ultrasound in about an hour. "You going?" Wilson had asked, and House had shot back, "That's none of your business." Wilson had merely raised his brows and nodded, and replied, "I'll take it that means yes."

The time finally hit 1.30 in the afternoon, the scheduled time for Cuddy's appointment, and House had a last-minute agony over whether to go or not. That feeling stayed with him the whole while he made his way down to the clinic and his stomach was all twisted up in knots when he reached the exam room Cuddy had said she'd be in. But before he could chicken out, he opened the door without knocking and peered in.

A new wave of nerves overcame him as Patil turned to him. She didn't seem too impressed to see him, probably because he'd interrupted her consults in the past without courtesy, though he couldn't remember if he had or hadn't and didn't care either way. "This is a private consult," she said.

House darted his gaze to Cuddy and considered backing out of the room again. Instead, however, he stepped into the room and shut the door behind him. "In that case, you won't mind me interrupting."

"Private consult, Dr. House."

"Interrupting," House countered, "Dr. Whatever-your-name-is."

"Patil."

"Whatever." He came to a stop near the table and drew in a quiet, nervous breath. He'd done many quick sonographs on women in clinic in the past, usually because they wanted some kind of confirmation that they were pregnant, but never, ever did he think he would be a guy sitting in on one because his partner was pregnant. He didn't really know what he was supposed to do because he just felt so out of place.

After glancing at Patil, then at Cuddy again, House silently made his way around the table and took a seat on the chair beside it.

Cuddy held her breath for a moment, then a smile of relief spread over her face when she saw House coming through the door. Her smile remained even when House immediately began sparring with Dr. Patil. He looked about as uncomfortable as Cuddy had ever seen him, but he was there. Of course, he might not be there for long if he kept arguing with Barbara. Dr. Patil was an easy going woman but she was also protective of her patients. If she thought House was interfering....

"It's okay. I asked Dr. House to be here," Cuddy told Barbara. Cuddy didn't explain why she'd asked House to be there, leaving it open for Barbara to assume it was something along the lines of a medical consult. Except that she didn't need a consult and Barbara wasn't an idiot.

Patil stared at Cuddy for a moment, her mouth agape in surprise, then turned her gaze on House. She slowly turned back to Cuddy and shook her head. "Damn, you weren't kidding when you said it was complicated."

"You have no idea," Cuddy said.

Barbara shook her head again but turned toward House. "Fine, you stay. But keep your opinions to yourself. If I want a consult, I'll ask for one."

She got busy then, squirting gel on Cuddy's abdomen with an obnoxious splat and placing the wand low on her belly. She reached up to adjust something on the monitor and it hit Cuddy that in a moment she really was going to see her baby for the first time. It didn't matter that the view would be in black and white and blurry. It didn't matter that she'd been through morning sickness and watched her waist slowly disappear. Somehow, seeing it was going to make it all more real. She suddenly felt her heart fluttering in her chest and she reached for House.

House really wished Cuddy had kept her mouth shut. It was none of Patil's business why he was here, just like it was none of her business that he was the father of this kid. He felt uncomfortably on edge when Patil turned a scrutinising look on him. He glared right back at her defensively, then frowned in puzzlement when she made a comment to Cuddy about something being complicated. He turned his attention to Cuddy and gave her a questioning look, as though to say, 'what did you tell this woman?'

But then Patil was addressing him. House looked back at her. "You keep your opinions to yourself," he shot back. "If I want a consult on what you deem 'complicated', I'll ask for one. But seeing I'm not here for that, just do you job and butt out."

God damn. House knew he had a quick temper, he always had done, but he was pretty sure this was the quickest his temper had ever gone from zero to sixty. He really didn't like the fact that Patil had immediate insight into his or Cuddy's personal life, and he really didn't like the fact that she could very well take this bit of information to the hospital rumour mill. House really was insanely private about his life, and he he was beginning to think coming to this ultrasound was a bad idea. And not just because of Patil, either - any second now, he was going to see his kid on the sonograph screen and, god almighty, why did he agree to this?

He remained glaring at Patil all through her preparing Cuddy for the ultrasound, tapping his cane on the floor quietly and anxiously between his legs. Only when she adjusted the screen and placed the transducer against Cuddy's belly did House stop glaring at her to focus on what was happening. The screen was black at the moment and House felt his heart speed up slightly. Realising Cuddy was reaching out to him, he glanced down at her hand. He already felt really uncomfortable that Patil had figured out why he was here. Holding Cuddy's hand was only going to confirm further things to Patil, and House really didn't want to give her that satisfaction.

He scooted his chair closer to Cuddy's side and felt his heart almost stop for a moment when the screen suddenly filled with a grainy, blurry image. He loosely held Cuddy's fingers in his hand and stared at the screen with an unreadable expression. He watched the blurriness swirl about while Patil swept the transducer around Cuddy's belly, then there was a sudden definite outline of a head.

"There's the baby's head," Patil announced. She moved the transducer around slightly, angling it to the right. "And there's the baby's face. Looks like he or she is going to be a thumb sucker."

Sure enough, the baby had its thumb in its mouth. House stared at it with mixed feelings he couldn't put a name to, while Patil made quick measurements of the skull. He couldn't work out if he felt dread or fear or what he was feeling.

Shit, he thought. This was his kid. His kid. He was staring right at his kid. That thing he was looking at was something he'd created and within less than five months, it was going to venture into the world and he was going to be responsible for this tiny, innocent, ignorant being. Without realising it, his grip on Cuddy's hand had tightened.

"Measurements of the head are consistent with the gestational age being 19 weeks and 5 days," Patil said. "Congratulations. You're almost halfway there already." She then turned to Cuddy. "Speaking of which, now would be a good time to ask if you want to know the sex of the baby."

Cuddy was just about to tell House to chill out when his temper finally subsided into a moody silence. She knew he had to be him and therefore rude, but she really didn't want him angering Barbara, possibly compromising the trust that Cuddy had with her. On the other hand, Barbara might as well find out what she was in for because Cuddy couldn't imagine what he was going to be like in the delivery room.

Everything else faded away, though, when the image of the baby's head became clear on the screen. She barely noticed House's grip on her hand, or her tight grasp of his, and she only listened to Barbara with one ear. She was absolutely entranced by the picture on the screen. She'd seen dozens of fetal ultrasounds but this was her baby and seeing it hit her harder than she could've imagined.

She stared at the way its little fingers were curled up as it sucked its thumb. She could make out the outline of some of its features--its little ear and its little nose. She couldn't take her eyes off the screen. She wanted to sit there and watch the baby forever. Or at least until it was ready to meet the world and let her see it in the flesh.

"What?" she asked, her gaze still fixed on the screen as the baby seemed to do a somersault. "Oh, no, I don't want to know."

"Okay, I'll try to avoid showing you any views that would give it away but babies aren't always cooperative," Barbara said, shifting the wand to try and follow the baby's movements. "Like now--baby's giving us a gymnastics demonstration." She glanced down at Cuddy. "Can you feel it?"

"Maybe? The last couple of days...sometimes I think...but I'm not sure." Cuddy had had a few moments where she felt a weird and very brief fluttering sensation in her abdomen. It hadn't felt like anything else she'd ever experienced so she was sure it was the baby moving, but it so brief that sometimes she wondered if she was simply imagining it.

"It can be very subtle at first. Very soon there'll be no doubt you're feeling a little foot kicking." Barbara moved the wand around Cuddy's abdomen until she could get another clear view and moved down to the baby's chest. Cuddy nearly held her breath as the obstetrician carefully studied the baby's heart.

"Heart looks good. No obvious abnormalities and it's contracting well," Barbara said.

"Oh," Cuddy said weakly. Her own heart felt like it was beating even faster than the baby's. She'd seen her baby's face. She was watching its heart beating away. She was simply overwhelmed. She tore her eyes away from the screen to look at House but when she opened her mouth, nothing came out.

House surprised himself by giving a quiet sigh of relief when Patil said the baby's heart was healthy. He hadn't realised he'd been that concerned about it when she drew attention to the heart with the transducer. He wasn't sure who he was more relieved for - himself or Cuddy. Maybe both. Now that the thought was in his mind, he didn't know what he'd think or do if the baby had had a heart defect of any kind. He was just glad it didn't.

Still, that didn't stop him from remaining staring at the screen with still unreadable feelings. Because it was an ultrasound, there was still an element of distance to the baby because it was just a grainy image on a screen. But it was only a very short distance. God, what the hell was it going to be like when this baby decided to claw its way into the world? he thought to himself.

He darted his eyes to Cuddy when he realised she was looking at him. She looked positively overwhelmed and amazed. He'd always known since Cuddy had asked him to help her with the IVF treatment that she'd wanted a baby more than anything. Seeing the look on her face right now brought that fact right home to him, and he suddenly felt guilty for every hurtful thing he'd ever said to her about this baby, all the things he'd accused her of, all the fights he'd picked and gotten into with her about it. He could see it now, how happy and overjoyed she was probably going to be to get her baby in her arms. And who was he to ruin that for her? He gave her hand a brief squeeze and a very faint, very brief smile.

But then he said in a curt tone, "What're you looking at me for? This is probably the last time you're going to see the kid for the next four months. Make the most of it."

He turned his attention to Patil. "Cuddy probably told you: she doesn't want an amnio. Check the nuchal fold thickness. I know it's a bit late to get a clear reading of it, but do it anyway."

Patil shot him a look. "What did I say about giving me a consult unless I ask you for one?"

House ignored her. "Just do it."

She pressed her lips into a thin line, then swirled the transducer over Cuddy's belly to check the abdominal circumference of the baby. "Your baby is a healthy weight," she said, ignoring House for a moment. "Just on around nine and a half ounces." She pressed a button and printed out a picture, then looked back to House. "At this stage in the pregnancy, nuchal fold thickness examination that requires a transvaginal exam. And even then, I can't guarantee getting an accurate reading if the baby's not in the right position for me to get a clear picture."

House looked at Cuddy. "You don't have a problem with that, right?" Of course she wouldn't, he thought. He looked back to Patil before Cuddy could even answer. "So? You say that like it's a problem."

"It's a problem if I can't get a clear picture of the nuchal thickness," Patil retorted.

"Well, you haven't got to that part yet, have you?" House replied in a condescending tone. "Get to that part, then worry about that problem if it arises."

"Don't tell me how to do my job."

"You know what the great thing about being a doctor is?" he replied, still condescending. "Being a doctor means I know what someone's medically entitled to. And Cuddy is medically entitled to have all options open to her. So, don't talk to me like I don't know what I'm talking about. Check the nuchal fold thickness when you're done with the rest of the ultrasound."

"It'd be much more accurate at this stage of the pregnancy if an amnio--"

"Cuddy doesn't want an amnio," House interrupted. "Which is why you're going to check the nuchal fold thickness." He ignored the outraged look Patil gave him for continually telling her how to do her job. "You don't get a clear reading, then maybe we'll consider other options. But until you check the nuchal thickness and after we get the results for Cuddy's hCG and plasma protein A levels, amnio isn't an option."

Patil fixed him with a look of sheer dislike, then turned to Cuddy. "According to Dr. House, you have no objections towards having an internal ultrasound," she remarked, her tone sour. She swirled the transducer over Cuddy's stomach again. "Do you?"

"I'm trying to decide who the baby looks like," Cuddy shot back when House questioned why she was looking at him. Obviously that wasn't true--no way anyone could tell anything about how the baby looked from an ultrasound. All they could see was that it had all its beautiful, healthy parts. And that's why she was looking at House. She wanted to talk to him about what they were seeing. It should be a private moment to simply enjoy the image of this amazing little being they'd created, but it wasn't private. Barbara was there and since House wasn't comfortable with letting anyone know he was the father, Cuddy couldn't talk to him about it.

She turned her head back toward the screen again, still smiling. Every little bit of reassuring information Barbara gave made Cuddy feel more and more relieved. She hadn't expected there would be anything wrong with the baby but she knew it was possible. That worry was always in the back of her mind. Every image on the screen that showed nothing but healthy baby eased her mind.

Of course, House couldn't be satisfied with that. Cuddy let out a small sigh as he started arguing with Dr. Patil. She appreciated that he was looking out for her welfare and the baby's but he didn't need to be a doctor in this situation. She wanted him here as her partner and as a father. It did occur to her that he might be more comfortable dealing with this as a doctor than as a father but still, she really didn't want him alienating Barbara.

"House, play nice," she chided, giving his hand a light squeeze when the two of them stopped arguing long enough to ask her opinion. A transvaginal ultrasound wasn't her idea of fun, and the odds of getting any good information from it were slim. However, there was no risk to her or the baby and if it eased House's concerns, she decided she could handle the test.

"No amnio unless something shows up on one of the other tests," she told Barbara. "But a transvaginal ultrasound is... not unreasonable."

"You're the boss," Patil said somewhat reluctantly.

"That's what it says on my office door. Some days I'm not so sure," Cuddy said dryly. She continued to watch as Barbara checked the rest of the baby's organs, sliding the wand around when the baby rolled or twisted and generally made her chase it to get a good image.

"If you don't want to know the sex, you might want to find something else to look at for a moment," Patil warned.

Cuddy immediately turned away and looked at House again. His eyes were still fixed on the screen and she tugged at his hand until he looked at her. "No cheating. If I don't know the sex, then no one gets to know the sex."

"I am playing nice," House argued. He was, too, in his mind. He was making sure Cuddy got the procedure they'd discussed, wanting to help Cuddy avoid an amnio - just like that they'd discussed. How was he not playing nice?

Truthfully, he didn't know how else to really play. He wasn't sure what was 'dad-like', and he wasn't sure what he was supposed to really do during this. Being the role of doctor, he could do, however. In fact, he could handle it better if he approached it that way. He didn't know how else to approach it. This was all very new and scary to him.

He watched the screen as Patil mapped out the femur length and calculated the length of the baby from crown to rump - "6.04 inchest long," Patil announced - and he was just wondering what sex the baby might be when Cuddy tugged on his hand. He looked at her and rolled his eyes mildly but obliged. He half wanted to know, half didn't want to know.

Now that he had nothing to do again, except be there for Cuddy, he didn't know what to do or what to say. He gazed at her, running his thumb over her knuckles, and began to think that this was sort of like practice for what was to come, in a way. In less than five months' time, he was going to be by Cuddy's side while she gave birth. This was nothing compared to what was in store, but the mere thought made his stomach tighten in nervous knots. If he didn't know what to do now, what the hell was he going to do when it really, really mattered? House hated feeling useless and the only way he didn't feel useless was if he included himself medically. At least he knew what he was doing, then. Cuddy hadn't even told him what she actually wanted him to do.

"So far, everything's normal for this stage of gestation," he told her, even though she already knew that. He really didn't know what else he was supposed to say.

"I know." Cuddy let out a soft laugh then. "Isn't it wonderful?"

She knew House didn't share her excitement. She knew he was still coming to terms with the fact there was a baby at all. Most of the time she tried to keep her own reactions low key in the hope that he wouldn't feel so left out or even intimidated. Right now, though, she couldn't contain her happiness. She'd just seen her baby healthy and active... and so tiny. Hearing Barbara give the baby's height and weight, it seemed impossible that in just a few months it would be big enough to hold in her arms. She couldn't wait, though. She couldn't wait to finally meet this little person she'd longed for for so long.

"Okay, safe to look again," Barbara said. "I just want to see if we can't get baby to turn a bit so I can get a better look at the spine." She moved the wand, twisting and turning it but she couldn't quite get a clear view. "Lisa, turn away from me a little."

Cuddy released House's hand and shifted halfway onto her hip. She couldn't see the screen without twisting her head all the way to the side and even then she could see anything because of the bad angle. She forced herself to be patient, though, because it was more important to examine the baby than for Cuddy to stare at the screen with a dopey smile.

"That's it," Patil finally said. She smiled at Cuddy as she settled on her back again. "I don't see any sign of a neural tube defect. All in all, I'd have to say it looks like you've got yourself a healthy baby."

"Thank god," Cuddy said with feeling.

"Let's see if we can't get you a couple more good pictures to put up on the fridge door and then we'll do the transvaginal ultrasound." Patil paused to glance darkly at House. "So, Dr. House, you're not planning on attending any more of Dr. Cuddy's appointments, are you?"

House just squeezed Cuddy's hand again. Was it wonderful? Well, it was a relief. Wonderful wasn't a word he'd use to describe any of this. He wouldn't have liked to have known that there was anything wrong with the baby, though if he had he would have dealt with it in whatever way was necessary. But that wasn't the case, and he was relieved it wasn't. He wasn't sure how he would have been able to deal with a distraught Cuddy.

He sat back while Cuddy shifted about on the table, dropping his hand to lap and watching the screen again while Patil internally examined Cuddy. Every now and again, he caught glimpses of something he recognised - the spine, a foot, a little hand. His nerves were starting to creep back as his thoughts returned to the fact that that on the screen was his kid. Yeah, wonderful was definitely not a word he'd use to describe it. More like downright terrifying.

He found himself sighing relief when Patil said there was no defect of the nuchal thickness. "See?" he said to Cuddy. "I was right. Told you. Nothing to worry about."

He turned his attention to Patil at her question, and gave her an obnoxious, wry smile. "Just for you and your delightful bedside manner, I'm going to be at every single one of them," he retorted.

She shot him another dark look. "My bedside manner?" She snorted with a shake of her head.

"It's nobody else's," House replied.

"Are you sure about that?" she shot back before returning to the ultrasound.

He could tell by the look on her face that she really wasn't pleased she was probably going to have to deal with him, but that wasn't his problem. Despite how scary being confronted with the baby like this was, he'd made a decision to be a part of this because he couldn't expect to be with Cuddy and expect to get out of dealing with the baby scot-free at the same time. He'd accepted it that much, anyway, even if he wasn't sure he liked it much.

"All done," Patil announced after another minute or so. She withdrew the transducer from Cuddy and pressed a few buttons on the screen, and House reached over for some paper towels and gave them to Cuddy for her to clean herself with. "And here are your baby's first photos," she added a moment later, holding out a few small photo-sized ultrasound pictures; one of the baby's profile with a clear image of its little hand, one of the baby sucking its thumb, and a picture of its little foot.

Despite the mess and slight discomfort, Cuddy was sorry the ultrasound was over. As she tried to wipe away the slimy gel, she realized House had been right--this was her only chance to see her baby until it was born. She wanted to keep looking as long as she could.

Her head shot up as she got her clothes settled. House was planning to come to her appointments? Surely not. He must be saying that just to aggravate Patil. He wasn't into the whole baby thing enough to want to attend her appointments. Not to mention, they were usually quick and routine. Which was good. Quick and routine meant everything was going well. She couldn't imagine him being interested in anything that was routine. He got bored by routine.

"Well, I'll see you at least for your regular appointment next week," Barbara said after she handed Cuddy the ultrasound pictures.

"Thank you," Cuddy said. She was immediately entranced by the pictures, barely noticing that Patil had left the room. She simply couldn't stop looking, counting the little fingers and toes and trying to imagine what the baby really looked like.

"Whatever your evil plan in, please don't piss off Barbara," Cuddy said distractedly. "She's going to deliver this baby and I'd like her to be in a friendly mood when the time comes."

After a moment, she handed the pictures to House so she could get off the table and finish getting her clothes arranged. As she smoothed down her top, she laid her hand on his shoulder and leaned in to kiss his cheek.

"Thank you for being here."

House watched Patil like a hawk as she crossed the room to the door. He didn't trust her to just leave and not say a word. He didn't trust her, period. But he sure as hell didn't trust her with the knowledge she now had that he and Cuddy were involved. No, she didn't know how involved, but that she knew anything at all was enough.

"Hey," he said to her just before she left. Patil stopped and looked at him. "Tell anyone about this, don't think I won't return the favour about your personal life."

He just gave her a look to silently tell her that he had beef on her that he could use if necessary. Patil pressed her lips into another thin line, but then looked away and pulled the door open. House turned back to Cuddy once Patil had shut the door.

"Delivering this kid or not, she needs to know her place," House retorted. "Just because you trust her, doesn't mean I do."

He took the photos as Cuddy climbed off the table and his concern with Patil was immediately dispelled as he looked through the three pictures. That same uneasy, nervous feeling twisted in his stomach again as it occurred to him again that he'd just seen his kid as in the flesh as possible. Cuddy's growing waistline was enough of confirmation that this kid was real, but this ultrasound was like a slap in the face with reality. He'd seen this thing move about, sucking its thumb, kicking its little legs, moving its hands... He swallowed as the nervous feeling in his gut intensified.

He looked up at Cuddy when he felt her hand on his shoulder. He just shrugged at her thanks, not wanting or even needing to be thanked. He'd been here because he wanted to be, even if he seconded guessed himself through the entire ultrasound. He held the pictures out for Cuddy to take again.

"Well, at least you now know you've got nothing to worry about," he said. "Kid seems healthier than you, which is beyond freakishly healthy."

He went to say more, about probably not even needing to be at any other of Cuddy's appointments because they'd be routine and she wouldn't even need his support or help. There'd be no need for him to be there, other than to keep a close eye on Patil.

Which again, he realised, made him feel pretty useless. What the hell was he supposed to be doing here, besides attending ultrasounds and promising to rub Cuddy's back when it got sore? He really didn't know. And if he didn't know now, then how the hell was he going to know what to do when the kid was actually born?

He swallowed again and just gazed at Cuddy with all the confusion written on his face that was going through his head.

Cuddy was mildly annoyed by House's behavior toward Dr. Patil but even that wasn't enough to ruin her good mood. She'd talk to Barbara later, explain. There wasn't a doctor in the entire hospital who hadn't had a run-in with House. They all knew what he was like, including Barbara. Cuddy would simply have to ask her to be patient and to not let House get to her.

She smiled as she took the pictures again. "It almost makes it worth giving up coffee," she joked. She would've given up anything, done anything necessary to have a healthy baby. Watching her diet, exercising--those were things she did anyway. The baby was simply extra motivation. Coffee was...well, okay, there were days in the beginning when she would've killed for a shot of coffee but it really was a minor sacrifice.

She glanced from the pictures to House, her smile fading slightly at the expression on his face. "What?" she asked. He looked...troubled, and she didn't know why. They'd just had the best possible news about the baby. Personally she was walking on air she was so happy but House obviously wasn't. Granted, he wasn't as deeply involved in this baby as she was. Still, whether he'd wanted it or not, he surely was relieved to know this baby was healthy.

"Barbara just said everything's fine. You said everything's fine," she said. "What's wrong?"

"I know everything's fine," House replied, giving himself a little mental shake. He stood taller and tried to dismiss his concerns, seeing Cuddy was able to read from him somehow that something was bothering him. "Everything's so routine, it's almost boring."

Really, it was anything but boring. More like petrifying. But had Cuddy been any other woman with a pregnancy as routine as hers was, he would have considered it boring. He added to clarify before Cuddy could potentially get into any strop about him calling her pregnancy boring, "Boring's good. Means there's nothing to worry about."

He fell silent then, and studied Cuddy's face before looking away. This ultrasound really had shaken his ground more than he expected it to. Truthfully, he wasn't sure what to expect by sitting in on his own kid's ultrasound. But coming out of it feeling useless and lost and uncertain what to do wasn't a reaction he expected to feel. That feeling did nothing to help calm his fears about having this kid at all. He was still stuck in that place where he felt scared of being a dad. But now, on top of that, he had a new worry: what his role was going to be, what he was supposed to do through all of this. He didn't know how to even voice that, either. He didn't like to admit that he felt helpless and useless, that he was at a loss for where he fitted in with all of this.

"Nothing's wrong," he said to Cuddy, turning back to her. "Baby's healthy. You're healthy. Why should anything be wrong?"

He decided to leave it at that before Cuddy could start getting on his nerves with probing him with questions. Stepping back, he turned away to head towards the door. "Well, now you don't need me for anything else, I'll be on my way. Got lots of work waiting for me up in my office that I want to get back to avoiding."

"I don't know," Cuddy said. "But apparently something is wrong."

She was completely confused. House was acting so oddly. He didn't seem to be angry like he had been at times, especially early on. He wasn't ignoring the baby as he often had. He was just.... She felt like he'd suddenly closed off to her. He'd been relatively reserved during the ultrasound but he had been supportive. He'd held her hand for heaven's sake. Now he seemed distant and she wanted to know why.

"Hey," she said quietly, grabbing at his sleeve before he could get away. She stepped in front of him and stared up at his face as though if she stared long enough she might get a clue as to what was bothering him. She had her own work to get back to, although she didn't intend to ignore hers, but she didn't like letting him go when she had the feeling there was something going on she needed to know about.

"I did need you here," she said. Maybe that was the problem. She hadn't demanded his presence but since he was still coming to terms with it all, maybe he hadn't liked feeling obligated to join her.

"I need you, period," she admitted. "I suppose you're not always comfortable with that and I'm trying to not put too many demands on you. But sometimes, like today, I really need you to be with me."

House turned back on Cuddy when she grabbed his sleeve. "To do what?" he snapped back. "To hold your hand? To pass you paper towels for you to wipe gel off your stomach?"

He motioned over to the sonograph machine. "I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing for you to 'need' me. You've got Patil doing everything medically. Which makes any help I could be pretty useless, unless she turns out to be a useless doctor.

"I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be doing or feeling something, seeing that's apparently the daddy thing to do, except I don't even know what that is." He threw a hand out. "How do you need me? Do you even know how?"

He stared down at Cuddy, then began to turn away again. He hadn't meant to really tell her what he was thinking or feeling, and he certainly didn't want to get into a discussion about it in a clinic room. And he didn't actually want to take Cuddy's happiness away from her because, again, who was he to deny Cuddy her happiness about this baby?

"House," Cuddy said, looking at him in confusion. Obviously she couldn't tell him what he 'should' be feeling. They were coming at this whole baby thing from opposite ends of the spectrum. Her happiness was spontaneous and natural. She didn't have to think about how to feel--she just did. She couldn't understand what House was feeling but she knew his feelings weren't the same as hers.

"I know exactly how I need you," she said in a quiet but firm voice. Yes, she had a doctor so she didn't need him to do that for her...although it was reassuring to her when he did give his medical advice. She didn't want a doctor, she wanted a partner.

"I don't need you to do anything. Hell, I'm not really doing anything. This pretty much just happens no matter what I do. I'm just here to provide food and shelter," she said, waving her hand at her belly. Obviously there were things she could do, things she needed to do to give the baby a healthy gestation. But when it came right down to it, she really was just an incubator. The real work would start after the baby was born.

"What I need from you is emotional, not physical. Yeah, sometimes that means all you need to do is hold my hand. Or just be here," she said earnestly. "The ultrasound was so much easier, so much happier because you were with me. Maybe that doesn't sound like much to you but it's huge to me."

"You think this isn't huge for me?" House countered, his voice getting a little louder and a little more panicked now that he'd started talking about it. Being there emotionally for Cuddy - House wasn't sure he knew how to do that, let alone if he even could.

He wasn't even that sure why he was starting to freak out, but he could feel himself getting worked up to that point. Seeing the baby had made the reality of this kid hit him hard, in so many different ways. He didn't know if he was going to be cut out to do the father thing. He didn't know if he was going to be cut out to even be the partner Cuddy needed when the baby was born. This was a role he felt thrust into, unexpectedly, a role he didn't know how to fulfill.

Being a doctor was a role he could do. It was a role he was familiar with, something he felt capable doing, something he knew he never failed at. Being a dad was something he could fail at. He could fail Cuddy, too. He didn't want to fail but he couldn't help being terrified that he would.

"This isn't just about you," House continued. He waved a hand at the sonograph machine again. "This is about the kid. I don't even know how I'm going to be a dad to this kid. I don't know how I'm going to be there for it. Or for you. I don't know how to be there for either of you."

"Of course, it's huge. It's scary huge," Cuddy said. She let out a little mental sigh. With the way House had talking more easily about the baby, she'd hoped he'd gotten past the actual freak out stage. Apparently not, though.

It seemed strange for a guy who had so much confidence in his abilities--some of his abilities--that he was so intimidated by this. It was good in a way. His worry meant he was taking it seriously. He cared about whether he was a good dad or not. Unfortunately, he was letting his insecurities scare him away from the whole idea.

"Not so long ago, you wouldn't have been anywhere near this room. You wouldn't want to talk about it, hear about it, even know about it. But you are here, and you did exactly what I needed you to do. You do know how to be here for me and the baby."

Cuddy reached out and ran her hand up and down along his upper arm. She understood doubt. She didn't have any doubt about having a baby but she certainly had doubts about how to do it right. She'd been reading every pregnancy and child care book she could get her hands on...and mostly confusing herself. In spite of that, she believed she could be a good mother and she had faith that House would be a good father if he'd only trust himself.

"No one has all the answers going in. I sure as hell don't. It's a process--the ultimate in on the job training. We'll figure it out together." Cuddy stepped back and gave him what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "Now go yell at Chase or bother Wilson--something to help you relax. You're going to be fine."

In a way, for probably one of the first times in his life, House wished Cuddy had the answer to this. Unfortunately, there was no quick fix, no fast way of coming to terms with this in a way that made dealing with it easier, nothing that could really be done other than to just accept what was happening. In the rational part of his mind, House knew that. But his feelings towards it felt hardly rational. Fear and uncertainty, while understandable, weren't rational emotions. No emotions were rational. He couldn't stand the fact that his emotions kept getting the better of him over this.

He looked down at Cuddy's hand on his arm. Damn it, Cuddy made it sound so simple. Just be there when she needed him? Be there and do what? Stand back and feel useless? Stand back and silently freak out about this kid while looking on at Cuddy glowing with joy?

He darted his eyes back up to her, unconvinced and unable to believe her. It seemed that no matter how many times he tried to express to her his thoughts about this, Cuddy dismissed it with a simple 'you'll know what to do when the time comes'. House never realised just how much of an isolating experience, as a father-to-be, having a baby could be.

He still wasn't convinced when Cuddy stepped back and gave him a smile. Maybe they would figure it out together. Or maybe they wouldn't. House thought he was beginning to figure it out because those couple of weekends ago when he'd sat on Cuddy's bed and discussed the baby seriously for the first time, it had brought about clarity and thought he'd felt scared, he'd also felt a little more reassured. And now he was back to feeling just plain scared again after seeing the ultrasound.

He opened his mouth to retort and heard the door open behind him. Surprised, he glanced over his shoulder and saw a young resident in glasses poking his head in with a file in his hand. "Oh," the resident said, sounding nervous at seeing both House and Cuddy. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I'm, uh... scheduled to consult in here until four."

House narrowed his eyes at the resident, then looked back to Cuddy with a mental sigh of relief. Any excuse to get away from Cuddy for the moment to think - or not think - about what had happened with the ultrasound was a good one.

"Well, Dr. Cuddy. We'll finish this conversation about firing..." House glanced back over his shoulder to look at the resident's name tag. "Dr. Scott later."

"What?" the resident piped up, suddenly sounding alarmed and bewildered.

House was already making his way to the door. "Very cutthroat, this being a doctor business," he said to the resident, giving him a mock look of sympathy. "Gotta cut costs where expenditure is being wasted."

The resident widened his eyes at House, then darted his gaze at Cuddy with his mouth open, flummoxed. "Aww," House said. "You really thought you were going to get that internship? Bad luck."

"But..."

"Gotta go," House interrupted the resident, and he threw Cuddy a last glance before slipping out the door and leaving her to deal with the resident.

Cuddy waited for House to say something. Anything. It worried her that he still looked worried. She was trying to be reassuring. She thought that's what he needed--to hear that he was going to be a good dad, that she believed in him. That's what she needed when her insecurities got the best of her. It didn't seem to work so well for him, though. She didn't know if that was because his insecurities were more deeply seated than hers or because he just didn't trust her opinion.

It probably didn't help that even with House having an apparent freak-out, she was still happy. She sympathized with him, of course, but the whole experience of seeing the baby and finding out that--as far as they could tell--it was healthy was just too potent. She was too relieved and joyful for anything to bring her mood completely down. She couldn't stop the smiles that seemed to well up directly from her heart.

Before she could think of another way of approaching his concerns, House took advantage of the resident's appearance to beat a hasty retreat. She threw her hands up, frustrated by the abrupt end to the conversation...and by the resident's stupidity.

"Oh, please," she said, turning to the other doctor as the door closed behind House. "Don't be an idiot. Why would I come in here to discuss your employment? Why would Dr. House be here at all?"

"Well, I...," Dr. Scott stammered.

"This has nothing to do with you. In fact, this is none of your business at all."

"Ooo...kay," Scott said, sounding confused. The fact that she was still half-smiling probably added to his confusion. Cuddy didn't care. She left the resident to his confusion and his consult and left the clinic. She considered briefly going after House but, aside from the fact that she did have work to do, she thought maybe this was a good time to let him have some space.

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early afternoon, Tuesday, January 2, 2007

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