cuddys_house | 17 September: Back home in Princeton & back to reality

17 September: Back home in Princeton & back to reality

When House arrived back at the inn with Cuddy, he collapsed on the couch to watch some TV with her for a little while until she said she needed to go to bed. House stayed and watched TV for a while longer, to unwind from the day and to have a bit of time on his own, and also because he didn't want to think about the fact that they were going to be leaving in the morning. Eventually, he grew too tired to stay awake, however. Cuddy was right - having fun was tiresome. But it was good tiresome, despite the few hiccups and almost-arguments they'd had during the weekend. The weekend as a whole, from their naked adventure in the pool to their spontaneous visit to the theme park, had been like one big escape from everything and he was loathe to return to real life back at home, where things he didn't want to deal with or think about awaited him.

After using the toilet and brushing his teeth, he took a sedative and headed for bed, spooning up behind Cuddy. It took him a little while to fall to sleep but once he did, he stayed restfully asleep, rousing once in the night to use the bathroom. Cuddy woke him just after 8.30 the following morning, with breakfast ordered and reminded him that they had to be checked out by 10.30. He'd gotten up after a good deal of protesting, had a shower and settled at the table to eat breakfast with Cuddy. Maybe it was just him but he was aware of a kind of heaviness hanging over both Cuddy and himself. He was no more enthusiastic about packing his bag or getting ready to go, either. The couple of hours they had to get packed to leave seemed to go way faster than House would've liked, giving them little time to really do anything except focus on being out of the room at the designated time.

He handed the key back once they were downstairs, finalised the bill and rolled his eyes when the woman congratulated them one last time on their getting married and wished them a happy life together. He packed everything onto his bike and by the time they were on the road, it was past 11.30.

The ride home to Princeton was quiet, mainly because they couldn't hear each other over the roar of the engine, but partly because House felt glumness setting in the nearer to home they reached. Returning to reality sucked. He had things he was supposed to do when he got home, too - such as wash clothes because he didn't have many clean clothes left, pay bills that he'd neglected to pay (because he always paid them at the last possible moment, usually the date they were actually due), and get settled back into his boring life while trying his hardest to avoid the things he'd been adamantly avoiding for the good part of the last almost three months.

It was just on 1.30 when he rolled into Cuddy's driveway and killed the engine.

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As the morning progressed, Cuddy found herself feeling more and more...not depressed exactly, but sad. It was strange for her because she really did love her job and her life in Princeton and she normally was happy to get back to it after some time away. This weekend had been different, though. She'd felt really relaxed and happy and she'd loved spending time with House away from the stresses of their every day lives. It wasn't just the every day kinds of stress either. There was also his PTSD looming over both of them, and it would continue to interfere until he got some help.

She kept her arms firmly around his waist on the trip home, almost glad it was too noisy to speak. She was aware that House wasn't exactly happy about going home either and she didn't want them feeding each other's low moods. Or worse, provoking an unnecessary fight, especially not after such a good weekend. She spent the time on the motorcycle trying to give herself a pep talk. She reminded herself that they dealt with stress all the time and they always managed to work through it. It wasn't fun but it was a fact of life. And the weekend had proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that they could relax and have fun and truly enjoy each other's company. Knowing that made it easier to face going home.

Once House killed the engine, she swung her leg and slipped off the bike. She gave her legs a little shake because the vibrations really did make her legs a little numb. She pulled off her helmet and ran her hand through her hair. She waited for him to get her bag off the back, then nodded toward her front door.

"Are you going to stay for a while?"

House dropped his hands from the handlebars to his lap and watched Cuddy as she tugged her helmet off. Now what?, he wanted to ask. Seemed like such a stupid question to ask, given how they'd been with each other in Ocean City, how relaxed and, well, pretty much openly in love they'd been. Coming home feeling almost maudlin was such a rude jolt back to reality, and the hell of it was he wasn't even home yet. Not his home, anyway.

He tugged off his helmet, pushed himself off the bike and headed to the back of it to untie her bag from the travel rack. He held it out to her once it was off, glancing across at her house when she asked if he was going to stay.

He hadn't really thought about what he was going to do when he dropped her off home; whether he was going to just drop her off and be on his way, or stick around for a little while. If he had it his way, he'd be back in Ocean City, buying them both an ice cream and dragging her down the boardwalk to find something to do.

He bowed his head and rubbed his fingers across his forehead in thought, then replied a little glumly, "Sure."

He secured his bike first. After pocketing his keys and unclipping his cane from its holster, he followed Cuddy up the path to her front door. "Home crap home," he said sarcastically as she opened the door to let them both inside.

"Hey, that's my home you're dissing," Cuddy rebuked mildly. She knew how he felt, though. Even as she stepped inside, the house seemed less than welcoming. The colors seemed dull and drab and the air felt stale.

She gave herself a little shake. She refused to give into the sour mood. It wouldn't do any good. In fact, dwelling on it would only make it worse. It even kind of took some of the fun away from the weekend and she didn't want that to happen. She'd love to be back in Ocean City with no real responsibilities but that wasn't realistic. Her life was in Princeton. His life was there, and if they were going to make any kind of long term relationship work, it had to work in Princeton.

She reached up and cupped his jaw with her hand, pulling him into a kiss. "Make yourself at home," she said, nodding toward the living room. She hefted her bag and helmet. "I'm just going to toss this stuff in the bedroom."

She made her way to her bedroom and set her bag in the corner. Her jacket and helmet got stowed in the closet, then she made a quick trip to the bathroom to freshen up. She went through the kitchen on her way back to the living room to grab a couple of bottled waters from the fridge. She handed one to House when she joined him in the living room. "Thirsty?"

She settled on the couch and let out a sigh. Boy, it really was a let-down to come home again but she reached for his hand. "I really enjoyed the weekend."

"So?" House shot back just as mildly. "I don't hear you disagreeing with me."

He stepped inside and closed the door behind him, and took in the familiar surroundings. He hadn't been to Cuddy's place all that many times so far, but already her place held memories. Some of them were good ones: right here in the hall when Cuddy had shoved him up against the door and mauled him, the living room where they'd watched TV together and shared a couple of meals, her bedroom where they'd made love numerous times, the kitchen.

And some of the memories were not so good: that fight that had broken out in the living room the other week where he'd ended up leaving, the arguments they'd gotten into in her bedroom over different, unpleasant things, waking up in the middle of a nightmare in her bed, unprotected sex... The good thing about Ocean City was that it had no memories for them until now, so escaping all of their issues had been much easier than if they'd tried to do that here in her house or in his place, or anywhere in Princeton.

He snapped out of his thoughts when Cuddy reached for his face. He returned the kiss, nodding at her when she stepped back and said she was going to put her stuff away. He placed his helmet down and shrugged out of his bike jacket, then headed into the living room. After gathering up the remote, he slumped onto the couch and began to surf through the channels with disinterest.

When Cuddy entered the living room and handed him the bottle of water, he took it silently. He didn't open it straight away, though; he rested it on his thigh while holding the remote up with the other hand to surf through a few more channels before he lost interest and turned the volume down. Just as he dropped the remote to the couch, Cuddy reached for his hand.

He looked down at her hand holding his as she told him she enjoyed the weekend. "I should hope so," he retorted.

He fell silent for a moment as he continued studying her hand, upturning his so he could lace their fingers together loosely. "Me, too," he admitted quietly, almost sounding remorseful that the weekend was over.

"I should hope so," Cuddy reported playfully. She knew, of course, that he'd enjoyed himself. Certainly she knew him well enough to know when he was miserable and when he was...not so miserable. It was nice to hear him say it, though.

"It's good to be home, too," she said, although she didn't really feel that way just yet. The truth was, she had a feeling that even in a fun place if she and House spent all their time together over a prolonged time they'd still end up fighting. Back home, they could get a little time and space away from each other if things got a little tense. She hated the fighting but with their personalities, it was inevitable. She preferred to have ended their weekend on a good note.

"After all, it's been days since you got to annoy the 'kids,' or Wilson. They won't know what to do with themselves." She played with his hand for a moment, then shifted over so that she was pressed right up against his side. "Besides, we can take other weekend trips. Right?"

House didn't think it was so great to be home. Maybe once he settled back into his routine, he'd think otherwise. Except... well, his routine wasn't exactly just a routine. His routine involved spending a lot of energy avoiding certain things that continually lurked at the back of his mind, or sometimes becoming consumed with anxiety, as well as sleeping badly at night. Home was really quite difficult for him, much more than he was ever willing to admit, to himself or to anyone else. On the other hand, home was familiar. Familiar was a comfort, even if nothing else was.

"I'm sure they're missing me horribly right now as we speak," he replied sarcastically.

It had been a while, though. Or seemed it, at least. If he spent much more time occupied with this new relationship, they were going to catch on quickly that something was going on between himself and Cuddy. House wasn't sure he was ready for that to become public knowledge yet, even if it was just between his fellows and Wilson. His 'kids' had a way of being exceptionally annoying and nosy, and Wilson had his own way of being exactly the same.

He sighed quietly as Cuddy shifted up close to him and he looked down at their hands still joined together. "I guess," he said. "If subjecting yourself to long periods of time around me is your idea of a good time."

"I'm sure they are. It always makes them nervous when they don't know what you're up to."

It made Cuddy nervous, too, when she didn't know what he was up to but in the last few weeks she probably knew more about what was going on in his life than anyone else did. Although obviously Cameron had some idea about House's reaction to the shooting, given that she'd actually come to Cuddy about it. As time went on, the rest of them would likely catch on to the fact that something was up. Cuddy was surprised that Wilson hadn't already, although maybe he had and House simply hadn't told her about it.

"If it wasn't my idea of a good time, I wouldn't have suggested it." She leaned forward to set her water on the coffee table, then settled back and rested her head against his shoulder. "It's different spending time with you away from work. You're still annoying," she teased. "But you're not so tense."

Relating to him as lover was different than relating to him in a professional capacity. That probably shouldn't be a surprise but it was, a little bit. After so many years of conflict she more or less expected every interaction to be a battle. Thank heavens it wasn't.

"Of course, I suppose the same could be said of me," she added dryly, referring to her comment about him being annoying but less tense.

House frowned slightly at being called tense. He sort of knew how tense he was, if only because he often felt tense internally. He didn't always know why he felt that way, he just did. He sometimes struggled with it, too. He sometimes struggled with his own intensity and his inability to switch his mind off to things. It was why he invested time in mind numbing activities, such as watching mindless television: to try and make his mind relax and to make himself unwind.

Surprisingly, he'd found being with Cuddy helped him to relax. Not always, but definitely sometimes. It was surprising because he often butted heads with Cuddy in ways that could rile him up to extreme aggravation. Oh sure, she could still do that as his lover - there'd been times during the last few weeks where Cuddy had pushed a button or several in him that triggered him to tense up and get defensive.

But he'd found her company could also be relaxing, if not soothing. He'd discovered that he was capable of unwinding with her, too, to the point of laughing and having fun, even to the point where he sometimes found himself revealing stuff about himself he wouldn't normally reveal.

"You're less annoying when you're not being such a control freak," he replied. "You should try practicing being less of a control freak more often. Less annoying for me and less haemorrhoids for you."

"I don't have hemorrhoids," Cuddy said, giving House a little shot in the ribs with her elbow. "And god knows someone around here has to be in control."

She couldn't help being a control freak; it was her nature to try and make everything right. More, given some of the people she had to deal with (like House), she really couldn't afford to slack off. Running a hospital was a huge, complex task and many days she walked a tightrope to try and satisfy everyone's needs. She could delegate more tasks to trusted colleagues. She probably should delegate more tasks but...well, she was a control freak and she'd still be obsessing over those delegated tasks so she might as well do them herself. That's the logic she used, anyway.

"I just meant it's nice to see you smile again."

Real smiles, not the smile he got when a clinic patient restored his faith in human stupidity. And definitely not the evil smile he got when he was plotting something he knew she wouldn't like. She liked the smiles she'd started to see again, the ones that made her think it was possible for him to be happy.

"You have a very nice smile. It's a shame no one ever gets to see it." She chuckled to herself. Most of the people who knew him would probably be wary of a smiling House. They'd think he was up to something, or that he'd finally gone round the bend. They simply wouldn't know what to do with a smiling, non-bastard version of House.

"Then again, smiling would just make everyone start looking for the pod under your bed. Chase already has enough abandonment issues--no need to confuse him further."

House drew his bottle up towards him to twist the lid off. He faltered and frowned slightly when Cuddy said it was nice to see him smile again. Thinking back over the weekend, he'd definitely done a lot more laughing than he'd done in a long time. It had still felt... good to laugh and have fun. He'd virtually forgotten what any of that felt like, what it felt like to have fun with someone. Seemed it was easier to have fun when he was as geographically far away from his issues as possible, with nothing to remind him of bad memories or thoughts he didn't want to think about.

He began twisting the bottle lid off, then stopped again to look across at Cuddy with incredulity. A nice smile? He had a smile, but much like anything else on his body or about himself, there was nothing nice about it. He certainly didn't think so, anyway. He definitely had a hard time believing any compliments he was given, unless they were sarcastic. And if they weren't, then he automatically sought to be sarcastic about the compliments because he had no idea how else to deal with them, let alone accept them.

"You feeling all right?" he asked, equal parts sarcastic and skeptical. Then Cuddy went on to say about him smiling being unbelievable to anyone else who saw it. That kind of comment he could handle.

He finally twisted the lid right off and took a swig of his water. "Why not? It's fun." He took another sip. "Maybe the confusion would be your fault. People know how evil you are; they'll start suspecting that you're the one with the pod under your bed with the real me trapped inside it. This other apparently 'nice smiling' me could be a clone you've made in your lair of evil as a ploy to seek revenge on all the evil I've done to you over the years."

"You are the only person who thinks I'm evil," Cuddy pointed out. Admittedly there were probably plenty of people who thought she was a bitch, but truly evil...not so much.

"I'm sure people would believe I'd want revenge. They might even go so far as to believe I'd try to come up with an 'evil' plan of some sort." Cuddy gave a little shake of her head because she had tried to come up with plans before. Not for revenge but plans to make House act more compassionately, more thoughtfully, more...humanly. Hell, she and Wilson had even collaborated on a few plans, but none of them worked. House was stubbornly, resolutely House and he didn't change.

"They'd know, though, that I wasn't behind it because if I had the power to make you smile, I would've done it years ago.

"A clone would be a bad plan anyway," she added. "A clone is an exact copy and frankly, as much as I love you, I do not need two of you running around wreaking havoc."

Then again, a clone would only be a genetic copy. A House clone wouldn't necessarily have to suffer through some of the experiences that the original had: a difficult relationship with his father, the infarction, Stacy. A clone would be House without the scars. She found the idea of an undamaged House tempting, but it wouldn't really be House without all that stuff. She liked the original.

"I wouldn't mind having a clone of myself, though, some days. I might actually get caught up on my work then." She smiled. "Or I could just make it work while I go have fun."

The thing was, House didn't really think Cuddy was evil. He liked to make those taunts because sometimes she did things that really pissed him off, and sometimes she overruled the things he wanted to do in terms of work or any other aspect of his life at work. And because she was the boss: all bosses were evil in some way or another.

But over the last few weeks, he'd grown to know her a lot more intimately, and not just on a physical level. He'd heard her talk about things that mattered to her, about things that concerned her and things that worried her. Maybe not always on hugely deep levels, but on much deeper levels than he'd ever heard before. Cuddy was a blend of strong, stubborn and very human, with some traits he found annoying and other traits he found admirable. He'd come to love her despite her flaws, even if some of them annoyed the hell out of him, and love her because of her strengths. She was the first person in a long while to genuinely make him smile. She still possessed the ability to drive him to anger and frustration at the drop a hat, too, though. It was an interesting mix.

"Two of me just means more to enjoy," he countered. "Then again, I wouldn't particularly want to share you with another me. I don't like sharing, even with myself unless I had you all to myself. Which I wouldn't do if I was sharing you with another myself."

He sculled back a generous mouthful of water and recapped the bottle, then looked across at Cuddy as she explained the potential benefits of having a clone of herself. After the weekend they'd had, he was all in favour of Cuddy cloning herself so he could go off and have fun with her while her clone did all the work. Cuddy would likely get on his nerves eventually because anybody did if he saw too much of them, but extending their weekend into longer periods of time was very appealing.

He sat forward and set the bottle on the coffee table, then sat back and lifted his arm up and around Cuddy's shoulders. He really didn't want to go home. He wasn't willing to accept that the weekend was over, either, that he had to return to normality and go back to facing stuff again. Or, in his case, spending large amounts of energy not facing stuff.

"So, how long do you think it would take you to get a clone, then?" he asked, leaning in to drop a kiss to her lips.

"Wow, that's pretty selfish--you wouldn't even share with yourself," she said, eyebrows raised in mild surprise. Still, she didn't doubt he was serious, to some extent. Playing well with others was not his forte and she didn't expect that would be any different if the other was himself. House was very possessive and the notion of two of him fighting over anything was intimidating.

On the other hand, the idea two Houses fighting over her was...intriguing. Oh, she never wanted to find out what that would be like in reality. Dealing with one possessive, jealous House was difficult enough. It did allow contemplation of some interesting scenarios, though. She looked up at him with a mischievous smile. "So is it still considered a threesome if two of the participants are the same person?"

When House leaned forward, Cuddy shifted slightly, pulling her legs up and tucking her feet under her. She leaned back into him when he settled his arm around her shoulders. She tilted her chin up to meet his kiss, chuckling when he asked about her clone.

"Unfortunately by the time the clone was ready to take over, I'd be ready to retire anyway." She knew herself well enough to know that even if she had a clone ready to go tomorrow, she'd still have to be at work overseeing everything. She'd invested too much time and energy in the hospital to simply hand it over to someone else, even if that someone was herself.

She knew someday she'd have to do just that--she'd have to entrust the hospital and the staff and the patients to someone else. She used to think it wouldn't be so bad because she'd have something else waiting for her: a husband and family. However as time passed, the less likely that seemed and the more she invested in work...and the less likely a family seemed. It was a cycle that fed on itself and she was afraid if she didn't break it now, with House, she never would.

"I'm not sure I like the idea of you hanging around an eighteen year old version of me." She gave him a playful kiss on the cheek, determined not to get herself depressed over the future. She was still trying to hold on to the good feeling from the weekend. Then she chuckled. "Although, honestly, I'm not sure you could handle an eighteen year old version of me," she teased.

House screwed one eye shut at the thought of being in a threesome with Cuddy with himself as the second and third participant. The thought of seeing himself naked was very unappealing, and seeing himself doing things with Cuddy... or with himself was... "I think it would be a way hotter threesome if there were two of you," he said. "Two girls on a guy, the way threesomes should be."

That'd definitely be a challenge, he thought to himself. Two Lisa Cuddys. One Cuddy was usually enough. Two Cuddys would be hot as hell, but also potentially terrifying. Cuddy wasn't a meek woman, particularly in bed, and while House loved that Cuddy was not afraid to be dominating in bed, he wasn't sure he'd be able to handle two Cuddys doing that to him. Or maybe he could. Then he suddenly thought this was such a random conversation - threesomes with clones of himself or Cuddy.

He raised his brows in sudden thoughtfulness, however, as Cuddy kissed his cheek and mentioned herself as an eighteen year old. "Are you talking literally or metaphorically?" he asked about handling her. "If you mean literally and you're there at the same time as well... Well, I only have two hands. If you mean metaphorically..."

He stopped and thought for a moment, then looked at Cuddy, resting his head against the back of the couch. "Why, what kind of eighteen year old were you?"

"Well, from my perspective the right kind of threesome is me and two men," Cuddy said.

Sheesh, listen to her talk. She'd never been anywhere near a threesome in her life. She had no idea what the 'right' kind of threesome was, or if there even was such a thing. She had a good imagination, though, so she could kind of picture it. Herself and House...and another House and big bed and a lot of busy lips and tongues and hands.... It would either be the hottest damn thing she'd ever experienced or she'd end up killing one or both of the Houses. Probably just as well it was only a fantasy.

"I was pretty full of myself, but then who isn't at eighteen?" Cuddy said with a laugh. Her face scrunched up in thought as she tried to objectively recall what she'd been like at that age. It seemed so very, very long ago. She didn't feel like she was even the same person.

"I was smart. Ambitious. There was nothing I couldn't do." She wasn't bragging. She knew she was intelligent. Not as smart as someone like House but she was no dummy either. And ambitious--she'd always been ambitious. She'd set her goals high and she didn't like it when she failed. It still frustrated her that she'd graduated second in her class at medical school.

As far as being able to do anything.... Life had kind of taken the wind out of her sails on that one. The older she got, the more she realized just how much she couldn't do. How much she would never be able to do. She'd learned to accept that as simple fact most of the time, but some days those realizations really sucked.

She leaned her head back against his shoulder as she looked up at him with a smile. "Basically, I was well on my way to being 'evil,' and I would've kicked your ass."

House could identify with Cuddy saying she'd been full of herself at eighteen. He'd been pretty full of himself, too, in some ways. In other ways, he'd been, well, not shy exactly. Probably awkward was a better word. He'd always been confident and arrogant about his intelligence, but other aspects of himself he'd always been less confident and arrogant about. He'd never exactly had a shining self-esteem.

Listening to Cuddy talk about her ambition and how she'd never let anything get in her way to get to where she was today - House could picture that clearly in his head. He'd always known her to be ambitious. She was a hard worker. He, too, was ambitious but not for the same reasons Cuddy was. And he was a hard worker when he wanted to be, but often his motto was work smart, not hard.

He looked down at her just as she looked up at him and said she would've kicked his ass. The corner of his mouth lifted in a half smile. "Kicked my ass?" he asked, a vague challenging tone to his question. "Wow. Cocky."

He had to wonder what it would've been like had he known Cuddy well back then. He vaguely knew of her when he was in college, but he was in a different level of college, mingling with completely different people because of that. Knowing how he was around girls he actually liked when he was at that age, there was a chance he probably would've been intimidated by Cuddy to a degree, if only because he'd never had that much luck with dating and was still at that kind of skinny, awkward teenage stage that followed him through to his early twenties. Then again, who knew if either of them would've really gotten along back then. He didn't really get along with anybody in college... which was a trait that hadn't changed much at all to this day.

"Kicked it at what, exactly?" he asked. "Kicked it at athletics? At handing in papers on time? At being evil?" He pointed to himself. "I was awesome. In every way." Which was of course an exaggeration but he didn't want to admit that maybe, yes, Cuddy may have actually kicked his ass in some ways.

"Just kicked your ass in general," Cuddy said. She raised her hand and grasped his where it was hanging around her shoulder. She played with his hand for a moment before lacing their fingers together.

It was hard to imagine what it would've been like to meet House back then. The things she knew about him now-- like his fears, his insecurities--she wouldn't have known those things back in college. And some of his issues hadn't existed back then either. It would've been a very different House she would've met, and given that she was fairly cocky at that age she probably would've tried to kick his ass.

She probably would've even been foolish enough to challenge him on medicine. She didn't entirely believe the stories of his genius until she'd seen it for herself. So most likely she would've been sure of herself and her abilities and she would've taken him on...and she would've gotten her ass kicked.

"I'm sure you were awesome," she said dryly. "Believe me, I remember the stories I heard back at Michigan about Gregory House. You were a legend, just not always for the best reasons."

Outside of medicine she actually thought she might've been able to hold her own against him. She had been confident and determined and almost fearless at that age. She certainly wouldn't have let some arrogant jerk intimidate her. Given their equally stubborn natures it was likely that any meeting at that age would've generated sparks. The question was, would they have been sparks of attraction or repulsion?

"I suspect that if I'd met you when I was only eighteen, I wouldn't have liked you very much," she admitted. She would've been too young to be able to appreciate House's unique personality. "I doubt you would've liked me very much either, so it's just as well we didn't meet until later."

Back in his college years, being known as legendary was one of the things he tended to get arrogant about. He didn't have a lot else going for him as far as he was concerned, but he had his astuteness for medicine going for him and he liked the fact that he stood out that way. He still prided himself on that fact because it was the one thing he had a lot of self confidence in. But in terms of fame, that didn't really matter to him. Nobody really liked him, anyway. What mattered to him was being known for what he did, not who he was.

"No one ever becomes well known just for being nice," he replied. "Just like some people might speculate that no one becomes Dean of Medicine at such a young age without doing some hard work between the sheets."

He glanced down at Cuddy, then added as a kind of disclaimer before she could get snappy at him if she took offence at what he'd just said, "Just saying. People assume a lot of things." He doubted Cuddy would've gone to such low levels to get to where she was today. Sure, she dressed provocatively, but he'd never thought of Cuddy as a slut, regardless of his jibes. Besides, it wasn't like he himself was exactly crowning in glory in the way he got to where he was today - he'd been caught cheating, which had cost him his place at Johns Hopkins.

"There are still things you don't like about me," he pointed out at her admittance. He knew that was true, too. He knew he pissed her off and got on her nerves and angered her with some of the things he did and said. It went both ways, really.

He squeezed her hand and toyed his thumb with hers before he leaned down closer to her. "Luckily," he murmured, pausing to drop a light kiss to her lips, "the things that annoy me about you are far outweighed by the good stuff." He pressed another soft kiss to her mouth, then pulled back to look at her. "There'd be some serious problems, otherwise."

Cuddy bristled when House accused her of using sex to climb the professional ladder. Well, okay, he wasn't accusing her and she knew some people did think that. She knew some people would think she'd slept her way to the top even if she dressed like a nun because some people didn't think a woman could make it any other way.

She tried to ignore those kinds of people but she really hated those assumptions. She'd earned her position by being smart and working hard. Sometimes she'd had to be smarter and work harder than the men even, just to get the credit that was due her. She would never have used sex to advance her career for the simple reason that it would've cheapened her achievements in her own eyes, and that she really couldn't have lived with. What other people thought about her could be hurtful, but what she thought about herself was what really mattered.

"A few things," she agreed, because no one could make her angrier or more frustrated than he could. Sometimes she thought he did things for no other purpose than to piss her off, which only made her angrier. But it was only a part of the whole package and it was balanced out by the parts of his personality she enjoyed. If it didn't--if the good stuff didn't compensate for the bad--she wouldn't be with him.

That seemed to be his philosophy, too, as he said the the good outweighed the annoying. She smiled against his lips, teasing. "So, for example, you're saying my breasts outweigh making you do clinic duty?"

Her expression sobered a bit, though, as he pulled back. "There are some serious problems," she reminded him gently. She didn't want to think about those problems right then but there was no use denying they existed. Some of those problems would be there even if they weren't in a relationship but being together created its own problems. She'd agreed to end her attempts to become pregnant but the bigger issue wasn't going to vanish that easily. And until that got resolved, it would continue to be sore point for both of them.

"You're worth it, though." She leaned in for another kiss, one that lingered just a bit longer. "It would be easier if you didn't try to drive me crazy, but it's still worth it."

"Hmmm," House mused skeptically with one eye closed at Cuddy's suggestion of her breasts outweighing him doing clinic duty. Not to grope but to make a point (okay, and maybe to grope a little bit), he quickly cupped her breast and lifted it slightly. "They definitely weigh something," he observed. "I think clinic duty tips the scales more, though."

His expression sobered as well, however, when Cuddy said there were some serious problems. He dropped his hand from her breast and began to frown as Cuddy leaned in to kiss him. Talk about a sharp, rude jolt back to reality. He automatically assumed she was referring only to the whole him getting shot business. And because of that, he suddenly felt tension creep in because he didn't want to be reminded of that.

He returned the lingering kiss, but only halfheartedly. When he pulled back, he was still frowning... and then a sudden paranoid thought struck him as he pondered over what Cuddy meant by him being 'worth it'. Maybe he was just being paranoid because he felt suddenly a little tense, but know that the thought was in his head he couldn't ignore it.

"You saying I'm the cause of these 'serious problems'?" he asked, a confrontational edge to his voice. "Even if I'm apparently 'worth it'?"

"Well, of course it does. Clinic duty beats everything."

She gave his hand a little slap, more for appearance's sake than because she truly didn't like him helping himself to her breast. A moment later, though, she almost wished she'd slapped him for real.

"I tell you you're worth pretty much everything to me and you turn that into a negative. Seriously, how do you even do that?"

She untangled her hand from his and leaned forward to retrieve the water bottle she'd set on the coffee table earlier. She took a long drink which acted as the equivalent of counting to ten because she did not want to let him provoke her into a pointless argument. She was incredulous that he would even try, although she shouldn't be surprised. House was forever twisting her words, suspecting her of evil motives.

She was beginning to wonder if he had 'evil' motives. It seemed that whenever they were getting along reasonably well, he found something to get angry or upset about. Maybe she was being over-sensitive but he definitely had a way of shaking things up. If it was true, she didn't necessarily think he was doing it deliberately, not consciously. He seemed to expect things to go wrong, just as he did with everything in his life. And it was as if he deliberately sabotaged himself first, before anyone or anything else could hurt him. If that's really what it was, then it was kind sad. It was also extremely annoying.

"It was a statement of fact, House, not an accusation," she said. She was still sitting up on the front edge of the couch cushion but she turned so she could look at him. "You have issues. I have issues. And some of your issues and my issues have become our issues. I never said anyone was the cause of anything."

She gave a little shake of her head and set her water back on the table. "If I wanted to accuse you of something, you'd know it. I'm not the most subtle person."

House watched Cuddy sit forward, dropping his arm from around her shoulder to the couch cushions. He stared at her back while she drank from her bottle. He was still reeling a bit from the unpleasant jolt back to reality her statement about 'serious problems' had caused. But he was reeling even more at being told he was worth more or less everything to Cuddy.

That was scary. Being told she loved him was scary enough. This was even scarier on some levels because he wasn't used to mattering that much to anyone, so much so that he wasn't sure he believed her. And maybe that was stupid of him, given the weekend they'd had, but he'd always been bracing himself for some kind of backlash or to be hurt on some subconscious level. If things were going well for any prolonged period of time, he expected cracks to eventually start showing and was quick to jump on any potential sign that cracks were appearing. Seemed the times he'd done that with Cuddy, he'd misinterpreted her statements for what he thought to be cracks.

He looked away when Cuddy turned to face him, then looked down at his lap until she finished talking. He was silent for a moment, then said, "You point out that there actually are 'serious problems' makes those problems seem pretty serious. And then you point out I'm worth it despite these 'serious problems'..."

He trailed off and finally met her eyes, a guarded, somewhat suspicious expression on his face. "Kind of sounded like you were pointing out something pretty significant to me, about me. That's how I 'turned it into a negative', as you put it." Then his tone turned bitingly sarcastic. "Totally wouldn't want my serious problems to be a burden to you."

He drew in a deep breath and realised he was getting almost ridiculously defensive about this, all because of that one little reminder Cuddy had given back there that, hello, he was back home and was going to have to face his demons again. He exhaled wearily and lifted both hands to his face and gave it a rub.

Cuddy stared at House in disbelief as he pounded home the fact that he wasn't comfortable with her pointing out there were problems. He was always so blunt, so determined to tear away the lies people used to deal with their lives. He'd repeatedly pointed out her problems. He told her she was a bad doctor, he told her she was a loser when it came to relationships. He forced her to face the truth but when it came to facing truths about himself.... Well, that was a different story.

"Is that it?" she asked when he said he didn't want to burden her. It seemed ridiculous to her that he would worry about that. Unless...what he was really worried about was that she wouldn't want to be burdened. It was still ridiculous because she'd known full well he was not an easy man to be with before she'd ever gotten involved with him. She'd never expected this relationship to be easy and she wasn't going to bail just because she'd been right, but given his insecurities it made a weird sort of sense.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," she said, giving him a light smack on the chest as he rubbed his face. She left her palm lying against his chest and pulled her leg up so she could turn fully toward him.

"I know I've said this before but apparently it didn't sink in. So I'm going to tell you again. And again. And again if I have to." She leaned in close enough so that there wasn't much of anywhere he could look without seeing her.

"I'm not afraid of your problems. I'm not going to run away just because things get a little messy." Cuddy hesitated, biting her lip because it really did upset her when he doubted her committment. She'd had her doubts about this relationship but it had nothing to do with whether or not he was an 'easy' person to be with. Her doubts were all about her.

"You should know me better by now," she said in a low, tight voice. "You should know I'm not a quitter."

House flinched slightly when Cuddy slapped his chest, and he dropped his hands from his face with a vaguely despondent sigh. Now they were discussing this, House didn't want to discuss it any further. He made that apparent by rolling his eyes in annoyance when Cuddy turned to face him, her hand still on his chest. He didn't bother to stop her when she said she was going to tell him again what apparently hadn't sunk in. He was going to let her because he knew even if he didn't let her, she'd still say it anyway.

Of course she had to make that doubly uncomfortable by getting right in his face. He tried to edge his head back from her but his head had nowhere to go except pressed up against the back of the couch. Even if he turned his head away from her, he could still see Cuddy in his peripheral vision. So, he just sat there, refusing to meet her eyes while she spoke.

He pressed his lips together, only meeting her eyes once she finished talking. Maybe she was right - maybe he should have known her better by now. And he did in a lot of ways. But knowing her better and knowing she wasn't a quitter didn't solve his insecurities. Of course, he didn't want to admit that he was insecure any more than he already just had.

"Well," he replied in a cynical tone, "good to know we got that all cleared up."

He remained sitting there for a further few moments, staring down towards the coffee table with a frown, debating whether to say anything further. Cuddy may not have been afraid of his problems... but he was. Of the most obvious problem, he was, anyway. It was hard not to be afraid something he hated and couldn't escape. He'd managed to escape it for a little while in Ocean City. But he was home again now.

He mentally shook himself, effectively trying to shake those thoughts from his mind in the process. He decided against speaking any of his concerns to Cuddy. Instead, he nudged his way forward until Cuddy was out of his face and he was sitting on the edge of the couch. He reached for his drink and took a long few gulps, picking the bottle lid up in his other hand once he lowered the bottle. He toyed with the lid for a few seconds, staring down at it.

"I know you're not a quitter," he said. "Hard to tell sometimes if that's a quality or a fault." He took a final swig of his water, deciding he didn't want to stick around if this was going to dissolve into an argument or them discussing stuff that he didn't want to discuss.

"I should probably make a move," he said as he placed the bottle back onto the coffee table.

"Yeah, clear as mud."

Cuddy knew better than to think that everything was settled now. She'd like to believe it but it wasn't that simple. It was never going to be that simple with him. And no, it wasn't entirely fair of her to expect him to trust that she'd be there for him when she still had a hard time believing that he was in this for the long haul. She was trying to trust him, though, and she needed him to try and trust her.

"It's both, actually," she said as she sat back and let House shift forward on the couch. Being stubborn was a good quality when something was worth doing. She didn't always recognize when quitting was a good idea, though. Sometimes she hung on to a doomed attempt for too long because she couldn't stand to admit failure. And right now she really hoped she was right in believing this relationship fell into the former category and not the latter.

"House." She put her hand on his shoulder. When he turned to look at her, she drew him close and gave him a kiss. It probably would be better if he went home before they got into a real argument--the kind with shouting and crying. Neither of them needed that. Tomorrow would be soon enough to face all the crap in their 'real' lives.

"Go home," she said softly. "Go bother Wilson. Go...try to find a way to avoid the other ninety-nine honeymoon jokes I've got ready and waiting. Just don't go away upset or angry, okay?"

House was just about to stand up when Cuddy put her hand on his shoulder. This so wasn't how he wanted the weekend to end. In fact, not more than a few minutes earlier he'd decided to himself that he was going to ignore the fact that he was home and try to make their weekend last just a little longer. He wasn't sure who he was more frustrated with: Cuddy for reminding him of these 'serious problems', or himself for getting so uptight about what Cuddy had said.

At first, he felt tense when Cuddy drew him in for a kiss, but then he relaxed a little and closed his eyes until Cuddy pulled back. Even though he'd said he should head off, and even though he didn't want to stick around in case an argument broke out, he still didn't really want to go home. He entertained the idea of staying at Cuddy's a little longer for all of a couple of seconds until Cuddy said for him to go home.

He looked down and then away once Cuddy told him not to leave angry or upset. Then he reached for his cane. "I'm not," he replied as he pushed himself up from the couch. He wasn't angry or upset. At least he didn't think he was. If anything, he felt a bit... desperate. To avoid thinking about stuff, that was. Already he could feel an edge for a distraction of some kind creeping in.

Wilson was out of the question. House knew Wilson knew him well enough to know something was up, and he didn't particularly want to face a Wilson-style interrogation. He especially didn't want to get into a discussion about where he'd been this weekend, in case Wilson had been trying to get in contact with him for whatever reason... mainly because he hadn't said a word to Wilson about what was going on between Cuddy and himself. He wasn't in the mood to start explaining all of that now, either. So, he guessed that left home as the only place to go to.

"As for avoiding your other ninety-nine honeymoon jokes, you know what's great? Selective hearing." He turned to face Cuddy, looking down at her. "That, and coming up with ninety-nine other ways to counter-humiliate you."

He studied her face for a moment, then turned away again and headed for the hall to collect his bike helmet and bag. "Guess I'll see you tomorrow, then," he said, slinging his backpack onto his shoulder.

Cuddy wasn't sure she believed House when he said he wasn't upset, but then she didn't expect he'd admit it if he was. At least he wasn't yelling or stomping around, which was better than he'd been some of other times when he'd left.

"I wouldn't expect anything less," she said dryly when he threatened retaliatory humiliation. She got up and followed him out of the living room. She didn't really want to see him go...and yet she was afraid of what would happen if he stayed. She wasn't afraid of fighting with him per se. She was used to that. But she didn't want the memories of a really great weekend ruined. And if she were honest with herself, she could use a little time to herself to get her head into the right mindset for the work week. She suspected he could use a little alone time, too.

She opened the door for him and nodded. "You know where I'll be--stuck behind my desk for most of the day most likely."

Once she'd watched House ride off, she closed the door and for a moment she just stood there. Coming home had been something of a let down and now that he was gone, the house felt even emptier and duller. She was tempted to grab her phone and call him back. Instead, she locked the front door and headed down the hall. She had laundry to do and email to catch up on. It wasn't exciting but it was necessary.

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17 September: Back home in Princeton & back to reality

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