cuddys_house | Wednesday, late morning

Wednesday, late morning

Cuddy kept looking over her shoulder as she took care of some business on the fourth floor. Being there, near House's domain, had her on edge and she wanted nothing more than to drop off a few reports and get back down the first floor where she'd be safe. Alone and miserable, but 'safe.' She didn't think he'd voluntarily go anywhere her domain either. As long as he stayed in his corner of the world and she stayed in hers, they wouldn't have to deal with each other. The hell of it was, she wanted to see House...except that she didn't because she didn't see how it could do any good. He'd made it pretty clear he considered their relationship a mistake and it was unlikely he'd compound the mistake by continuing it.

Since Monday night she'd been running on auto pilot. After he left, slamming the door behind him, she'd sat in the chair crying until she thought she'd cried herself out. She hadn't gotten hysterical thank heaven. She hated hysterics, her own at least. The tears had simply flowed down her face as she took quiet, hitching breaths. And every time she thought she was done, her mind would throw up a reminder of the fight and the tears would start again. She'd begun to wonder if they'd ever stop but of course they did. She managed to stop the waterworks but only to find herself feeling hollow and numb. She felt sort of disconnected and she couldn't bring herself to care about much of anything.

She pulled herself together for work of course. She always did. But while she was perfectly groomed (her make-up heavier than usual) and taking care of all the administrative details she had to tend to, she knew she was only going through the motions. She knew it showed, too. Her expression was as bleak as the way she felt and she simply couldn't muster up the energy to fake it. She'd already gotten a few intensely curious looks from Brenda but Cuddy ignored those just as she ignored everything else that wasn't absolutely essential. She fully expected the day to go just as Tuesday had--she'd do what she had to do and then she'd go home where she wouldn't have to pretend to anyone that her heart wasn't broken.

Cuddy pushed through the double doors near Wilson's office--and House's--and gave a quick glance down the hall. House was nowhere in sight so she turned to her right, the elevators--and safety-- just a few feet away. She hurried the last couple of steps to catch one before the door fully closed. She squeezed through the door and turned to push the button for the first floor. That's when she realized someone else was already in the elevator. House. She threw a desperate look at the door, hoping to make an escape, but only a couple of inches were left before the door fully closed and she wasn't ready to lose a couple of fingers just to escape him. Not yet.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Despite his talk with Wilson and the decision he'd reached, House still needed time to think. Not just about his relationship with Cuddy, but about Cuddy being pregnant. Although, every time he started to think about it, he found himself unable to deal with it, so he shut it from his mind before he could really get a proper handle on the situation. Which, in effect, caused him to shut off thinking about his relationship with Cuddy, too. It was a constant, frustrating cycle that was getting him nowhere and making him no less miserable or stressed.

It went without saying that he hadn't been sleeping well. Something about the stress of the situation made dealing with his issues of being shot a lot harder, too. His nightmares were not only extremely vivid, they were more anxious. Ridiculous and anxious. He hadn't had a good night's sleep since coming home from the weekend. What made it even worse was his leg was aching, constantly. It wasn't bad, but it was noticeable and uncomfortable and he the times he got lost in thought over something he often found himself snapping out of it and realising he was rubbing his thigh anxiously. He really wasn't coping well with anything at all because it felt like everything had ganged up on him all at once. And through all of that, he actually missed Cuddy a lot but felt too uncertain and afraid to face her because all of this was just too much, no matter the decision he'd reached in Wilson's office.

He didn't have a lot to do at work, so he prowled through the hospital when he wasn't holed up in his office. Which was what he was doing now - prowling, to try and work off some of his nervous energy and to try and walk out some of the discomfort in his thigh. He decided maybe he'd go down to the park right near the hospital grounds and just be on his own there for a while to get away from anybody who knew him within the hospital itself. Cameron hadn't exactly been subtle with throwing House curious looks and invading his space when she was least welcome. Solitude away from all of that was definitely appealing.

He stood in the elevator, rubbing his face a little fretfully as the doors began to close to take him down to the first floor. It was getting cooler outside recently, with summer now over and winter looming ahead. The morning had been fairly chilly because of the amount of rainfall they'd had overnight, so he had his overcoat on, though it wasn't buttoned up or anything. Maybe he'd grab a coffee on the way out to the park, too, he thought just as he saw someone was catching the doors at the last minute to board the elevator. His stomach tightened and his heart seemed to skip a beat when he realised who it was.

He tensed up, no idea where to look or what to do with himself, and as the doors thudded closed he suddenly felt trapped. He threw an automatic glance at Cuddy, then lifted a hand to rub his forehead - and to try and shield his face from her before he turned his head to look the other way at the wall. The space between Cuddy and himself seemed suffocating simply because of how acutely aware of her presence he was. He had no idea what to say to her either, or even if he had anything to say, so he just... stayed silent. He'd never wanted to be out of her presence more than he did right now.

Cuddy was so acutely aware of House's presence it was almost overwhelming. She could've sworn she could feel the heat of his body, smell the faint scent of his soap, even hear his heartbeat...although it was probably just the sound her own heart beating so hard it was banging against her ribs. She was supposed be an adult. She was supposed to be mature and rational and deal with this--with him--in a calm manner. That's what she thought she was supposed to do but she couldn't.

She gave a quick glance over at him before forcing her eyes back to the front of the car. Her throat tightened up and suddenly she didn't feel so empty anymore. The problem was that feeling all the emotions threatening to flood through her again wasn't an improvement. Right then, numb felt better. Numb was...bearable.

She gave him another surreptitious glance, frowning slightly when she realized he was wearing his overcoat. She couldn't help wondering where he was going and what he was going to do when he got there. She wanted to know what he'd been doing since Monday night for that matter, but she guessed her curiosity wouldn't be welcome. If he didn't want anything to do with her, he certainly wouldn't welcome her questions.

As it happened, though, his potential disapproval wasn't enough to stop her. She turned slightly to look more directly at him. "Going home?"

House glanced up quickly at the numbers above the door and wondered if the elevator had always been this slow at travelling. He was positive it hadn't, but it felt like the car was travelling at snail pace now, as though the elevator had slowed down deliberately just to torture him, much like the way everything else in the world was against him. With each passing second, he got edgier and edgier to escape and get as far away from Cuddy as possible. Such a contrast to how he'd felt about Cuddy on the weekend; he hadn't been able to get enough of her then, and that seemed like a different lifetime now.

He jumped a little at the sound of her voice, not expecting her to say anything to him - or, really, hoping she wouldn't say anything to him. He darted his eyes to her and stared at her cautiously.

"Going out," he corrected her.

He so wanted to look away again... but the knowledge of her being pregnant seemed to make his eyes have a mind of their own. He lowered his gaze to her belly and felt a stab of dread, much like the one he'd felt in her house the other day when he found out she was pregnant. He quickly turned his gaze away from her again.

Being so anxious made him feel defensive. "Why? You have a problem with that?" he asked in a low, confrontational tone.

Cuddy pressed her lips tightly together, hurt by his tone. God, and how stupid was that? He'd always resisted what he saw as her attempts to intrude on his life. Of course he'd want to keep his distance now that they'd had, and apparently lost, a relationship. She wasn't ready to let him have that distance, though, not yet. She wasn't ready to let him go even though she couldn't see any way to hold on to what they'd had for such a short time.

"Would it matter if I did?" she asked in a sharp tone. She didn't know why she let him provoke her. She'd had enough of arguing with him to last her a lifetime, and the last thing she needed was to get into a fight with him in the middle of the hospital. No point in letting everyone know about their break-up when no one had known about their relationship to begin with.

"Forget I said anything," she said, reaching over to push at the button for the first floor as if that would make the elevator move faster.

"Seeing you asked, you obviously do," House shot back.

After his talk with Wilson yesterday, House really wasn't sure what he expected the next time he encountered Cuddy. Talk, not fight, Wilson had said. House could distinctly remember thinking to himself that was probably a wise approach. But he could also distinctly remember thinking that talking without fighting with Cuddy, especially now, would probably be impossible. Seemed he was right because that was what it was dissolving into right now and they hadn't even attempted to talk.

He ignored her telling him to forget what she said. "What were you going to do about it if I was going home?" he challenged. And this so wasn't how he wanted this to go, but her defensiveness was making him even more defensive, which meant he was unable to keep his mouth shut.

He dropped his eyes to the button she was pushing and added snidely, "Much as you're clearly desperate to get away from me, you realise pushing that thing isn't going to make it go any faster."

Cuddy gave a frustrated shake of her head when he asked what she would've done if he was going home. Under normal circumstances she would've reminded him of one or two tasks that he'd left undone. It wouldn't have mattered what--there were always tasks he'd left undone. But these circumstances were so far from normal and she couldn't think of anything she could say that would make him listen.

When he goaded her about pushing the button she moved her hand and slapped the stop button. "I don't want to get away from you," she said as the elevator jerked to a halt just before reaching the ground floor. She kept her palm against the control panel, staring at the buttons because she couldn't trust herself to look at him. She wasn't sure she could trust herself to talk to him. She wasn't sure she could say anything he'd be interested in hearing and yet she couldn't just let him go.

He didn't want her and he sure as hell didn't want a baby so it would seem utterly pointless to try and talk to him. She wouldn't change his mind and she'd only end up looking more pathetic trying to hold onto something that obviously hadn't been real. She be an idiot to try and convince him their relationship hadn't been the mistake he thought it was. She'd be smarter to cut her losses and try to move on. She'd never been all that smart about men though.

"We were not a mistake," she said in low voice. Then she took her hand off the stop button.

House didn't expect Cuddy to hit the stop button, so he looked across at her in brief alarm when the elevator jerked to a sudden stop. The silence that followed seemed to make the elevator even smaller, even more confined and suffocating. Maybe Cuddy didn't want to get away from him, but he sure as hell wanted to get away from her. Simply because he couldn't handle the tension between them. And because he wasn't ready to face Cuddy yet. He wasn't ready to face their issues, wasn't ready to face the fact that she was pregnant, wasn't ready to face any of that.

Cuddy just had to grind that home further by saying that they weren't a mistake. House briefly closed his eyes and turned his head away from her. He'd felt nothing but remorse for coming out with that barb, because he knew they weren't a mistake, too. Yet he'd said it in the heat of the moment, just to hurt Cuddy the way she'd hurt him with slapping him and saying he would hit her, and in effect hurt himself in the process by ending it with her without really wanting to end it with her.

Part of him wanted to say to her right then and there that, no, they weren't a mistake and the last thing he wanted to do was lose her. But the last thing he wanted to do, too, was end up in an emotional situation at work, in front of everyone. So, House just stayed silent. He didn't say a word or even look at Cuddy, just reached for the first floor button and hit it impatiently, then stepped back when the elevator jerked back into motion.

He didn't wait for Cuddy to say anything more, either; the moment the elevator doors began to open, House stepped forward towards them like he couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Cuddy flinched away when House hit the first floor button. Not far enough away, though, because he bumped against her in his haste to leave.

"Looks like you're the one who's desperate to get away."

It occurred to her even as she said the words that she really had a talent for stating the obvious. Of course he was desperate to get away. That's why he'd left Monday night. He wanted away from her. He especially wanted away from the baby. He'd made it pretty damn obvious he was done with both of them. She had to stop clinging to that thin thread of hope that he'd change his mind.

She took a couple of unsteady steps, just enough to exit the elevator car, and stopped. She pressed one hand to her forehead, shading her eyes, feeling lightheaded, almost in shock again at what she believed was confirmation that House thought it had all been a mistake. She was crushed all over again which should be impossible because how the hell could your heart get broken if it was already in pieces?

She wanted to go hide in her office but to get there she had to go through the clinic, crowded with people, and then past her assistant and she couldn't face anyone at that moment. She stepped further away from where people were entering the elevator she and House had just left. She wasn't paying attention to them. She wasn't even paying attention to where House was. She just wanted to find someplace quiet where she could try to regain her composure.

Wilson looked at his watch. He was on a quick break in between a consult he'd just finished and paperwork he had waiting for him back up in his office, and if he intended to actually get any of his paperwork done by the time his next consult was in, which was within the next hour, then he needed to get back ASAP.

Smiling briefly at the woman behind the counter, he took the coffee offered to him in exchange for money, then took a quick sip as he started towards the cafeteria exit. He dodged around a couple of staff members and began towards the elevator - and just as he did, he saw House emerging and heading rather briskly through the lobby towards the exit. Wilson was just about to call out to him but changed his mind when he noticed that House was in his overcoat. Weird. He only ever wore that if he was heading out or home, and he had no idea where House planned to be heading at this time of day. He was pretty sure House didn't even have a case. With a shrug of his shoulders, Wilson sipped his coffee again and decided if he saw House later on during the day, he'd ask him about it. For now, he needed to get back to his office.

He rounded the corner, hoping to board the elevator before he was too late to miss it - and stopped in his tracks. Cuddy stood right in front of him and he'd almost bumped into her. He was about to make a wry remark... and then noticed the way Cuddy was shielding her face, like she was either upset or had a headache.

Wilson threw a quick glance in the direction he'd seen House leave and quickly put two and two together. He didn't know what happened but he had a feeling it had something to with House. He decided then and there to play ignorant of what was going on between House and Cuddy, and he bowed his head slightly to peer down at her.

"Cuddy?" he asked in a pleasantly neutral but concerned tone. "You okay?"

Cuddy almost didn't notice Wilson; she was too lost in her own heartache. It took a second for his presence to register, then she dropped her hand from her face and turned her head to look at him.

Great. If she couldn't deal with people right now, how was she supposed to deal with Wilson? Wilson wasn't just people, he was...Wilson. She'd normally enjoy his company even on a bad day. Sometimes especially on a bad day. She didn't necessarily always tell him why she was having a bad day but he had a knack for being a calming presence when she was feeling a little frazzled. She liked Wilson, but he was House's best friend which complicated things.

"Hi, Wilson. Sure, I'm fine. I'm just...," she said, making a vague gesture because she couldn't really explain what she was doing standing there by the elevators, not without telling him a lot of stuff she wasn't sure she wanted to talk about. She tried to muster up a smile, which even she knew wasn't a very good one. "How are you?"

"Oh, you know." He gestured to his coffee. "On a break, in between doing paperwork we all wish we didn't have to do," he said lightly.

Wilson knew Cuddy, and even if he knew nothing about what was going on between Cuddy and House, he still wouldn't have been fooled by her sad smile or her claim that she was fine. But because he did know, he was curious to hear the story from Cuddy's side - not just because he was curious, but because he cared about Cuddy, even if he'd said to House yesterday that he didn't care what Cuddy thought.

But more importantly, he cared about House, and he cared about House not getting hurt again. So, he wanted to keep tabs on what was going on. And maybe there was a little bit of possessiveness at play, too. He was still trying to wrap his head around that House was with Cuddy - fathering her child, which was even more mind blowing - and Wilson couldn't help but be a little bit jealous that House hadn't come to him and told him about this sooner. He was House's best friend, after all. Cuddy wasn't and never had been.

Wilson waited until the last of the people waded onto the elevator, then turned back to Cuddy once they had a bit more privacy. "You sure you're okay?" he asked gently. "You look..." He paused and gestured to Cuddy with his coffee, affecting a mildly confused but concerned look. "Not fine.

"I have a few minutes I can spare," he continued, now gesturing towards the direction of Cuddy's office, "if you want to talk." He then gave her a small but warm smile. "Besides, I could use an excuse to not get back to the dreaded paperwork right away. I'm sure we both could."

"I'm...okay," Cuddy said, which wasn't any closer to the truth than saying she was fine but she'd never been one to whine about her personal problems to anyone. Work related problems, House related problems--yes, she often talked to Wilson knowing he'd understand. But even though this was technically a House related problem, she didn't feel she could tell Wilson about it. He was House's best friend and if House hadn't told him then presumably he didn't want Wilson to know. She didn't feel she had the right to interfere in their friendship that way.

She lifted her hand and grasped Wilson's wrist as he gestured at her with his coffee. "Please," she said, gently pushing his hand down and to the side where the smell of the coffee wasn't quite so strong in her nose. She couldn't completely avoid coffee--seemed like every employee in the hospital lived on the stuff--but she was doing her best to avoid any close encounters.

"Well...." She glanced toward her office when he suggested they talk. She'd still rather be alone but maybe it would be better if she wasn't. It was harder to sink into depression when she had to focus on someone else. She wasn't planning to divulge any secrets but she could surely manage a few minutes of small talk. "Sure, why not."

Cuddy led the way across to the clinic. She ignored another curious look from Brenda as they made their way into her office. She shed her lab coat as soon as they were inside, stepping over to hang it on the coatrack before she turned back to Wilson. She gestured toward the couch on the other side of the room. "Have a seat."

Wilson frowned slightly at Cuddy urging him to keep his coffee from her. "Well, the coffee's never been that great here, but I don't think it's that bad," he replied, genuinely a bit confused. He suddenly twigged as Cuddy hesitantly considered going to her office: of course. She was pregnant. Some women developed an aversion to different smells. Maybe coffee was it for Cuddy? Unless she really did hate the smell of the stuff from the cafeteria.

He quickly smoothed his face with a pleasant smile when Cuddy agreed to go to her office, secretly glad he didn't have to try and persuade her any further. Doing so would probably get her suspicious that he knew something. He really didn't want that because it was much easier to assess the situation for himself when he played ignorant. He was pretty sure Cuddy would be less willing to confide if she knew House had already confided in him. He could see it turning into a 'he said/she said' situation otherwise, which he wasn't interested in getting himself involved in... yet.

Once in Cuddy's office, Wilson took a seat on the couch like Cuddy said and set his coffee onto the table in front of him. "Oh, I got your memo about this afternoon's board meeting," he said. "Thanks for the reminder. Been so swamped in work lately, I probably would've forgotten about it."

He was lying; he never forgot things like that because he was organised. But he was just engaging Cuddy in some small talk in the hope that he could ease her into talking about what was going on between House and herself. He clasped his hands together with his elbows resting on his knees, and peered up at her with an expression carefully schooled into mild concern without seeming too curious.

"So, what's up?" he asked conversationally.

Cuddy let Wilson think whatever he wanted about her aversion to the coffee. She figured the less she said, the better, and it was highly unlikely he'd come up with the correct explanation on his own. He had zero reason to think she was pregnant and that's the way she wanted to keep it...until she couldn't keep it a secret anymore.

"No problem. Truth is I would've forgotten about the meeting if my assistant hadn't reminded me." She took a seat in the chair next to the couch. She thought that would keep her far enough from Wilson's coffee to be safe. It would give her a little distance from Wilson, too. He wasn't as good as House at reading people but he wasn't bad at it either. As hard as she tried to maintain control, her body language and facial expressions were giving away at least some of the turmoil going on in her mind. She thought, though, that if she kept some distance between them, kept her cool, Wilson wouldn't think there was anything big going on.

"Nothing," she said, shifting uncomfortably under his gaze. She raised her eyes to meet his. "What makes you think anything's up?"

"Ah," Wilson replied. "In a hospital where House himself is an entire department's worth of stress, it's easy for things to slip your mind." He gave Cuddy a crooked, humourous smile. "Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me."

He sobered when Cuddy insisted nothing was wrong. He knew just how stubborn Cuddy could be and he knew getting her to talk about things could be a real challenge, simply because she was a woman who liked to appear in control of herself, even when it was obvious she wasn't. He sincerely hoped getting her to talk wasn't going to be a chore.

He levelled her with a knowing but caring 'you can't fool me' look. "Well, unless melancholy is the new black and I wasn't aware of it, I'd have to say how down you look is a bit of of a giveaway," he said. "You don't normally look that stressed or preoccupied unless House has been up to something."

"House isn't the only cause of stress," Cuddy said, immediately defensive. He was the most common cause of her stress and in this case he definitely was a big part of her stress but she didn't want Wilson to know that.

She crossed her legs, then shifted and crossed them the other way. Wilson's probing made her anxious and she already had more stress going on than she could handle. He'd obviously gotten the scent of trouble and he was hot on the trail. She needed some way to send him down another path, toss a few breadcrumbs on a false trail. Or...give him a few real breadcrumbs, enough to explain her mood but not enough for him to know the whole story.

"I was seeing someone. Now I'm not." She stared off across the room. Just thinking about the way it had ended between her and House renewed the grief she felt. She couldn't look at Wilson when she spoke because she didn't want him to see how much it affected her. She never wanted anyone to know how much it affected her. She made a point of not letting her personal troubles affect her work, and she didn't want her colleagues speculating on her personal troubles. She preferred to keep her personal life personal.

She risked a quick glance at Wilson, then looked away again with faint shrug. "It's just one of those things I've got to get through."

Wilson immediately held his hands up at Cuddy's defensiveness, as though to tell her he hadn't meant anything offensive or to upset her when he mentioned House. Though, because he knew what was going on between Cuddy and House, he knew exactly what she was being defensive about. Or, at least, he could see that mentioning House was a sore spot for her.

He lowered his hands again and clasped them together, listening with a thoughtful expression when Cuddy explained a little of what was going on. So, despite House's apparent agreement to make amends with Cuddy, he clearly hadn't.

"I'm sorry," Wilson offered.

Wilson wasn't too surprised House hadn't made amends yet, he supposed. House was surprisingly hesitant to approach situations he was wary of, and he'd very obviously been uncertain about his relationship with Cuddy. He thought back to when he'd spotted House stalking off towards the hospital exit and he wondered exactly what had happened there. Had House and Cuddy had an encounter that ended badly? Did they encounter each other but not acknowledge each other?

He nodded at what she said next, then sympathised wryly, "I know all about that."

He watched her, noticing that she was refusing to look at him. He felt a brief moment of awkwardness settling over him; he was never as good at comforting those he was closer to than he was to people who didn't mean as much to him. He could see Cuddy was visibly somewhat upset, too, and what was the appropriate action to take in a situation like this? If it was a cancer patient he was listening to, he'd extend a caring hand and touch their arm reassuringly. But this was Cuddy and he was no more comfortable with making physical contact with her than she was with him. He was good at offering relationship advice, though, merely because he'd been there and done it more than enough times himself.

"It's hard," he continued after a pause. "Though, sometimes the end of a relationship isn't always the end; sometimes it's just a bad patch. I guess it just comes down to whether you think the relationship's worth salvaging or not. Sometimes talking things through can help."

"Thanks," Cuddy said quietly. Sorry didn't do much, certainly didn't make it feel any better, but she appreciated the sentiment for what it was worth. Nothing was going to make this better except, maybe, time.

Even though the baby was the reason everything had gone so wrong, it was also the reason she'd get through it. She had another life to care for and ultimately its health and happiness mattered more than her own. She'd pull herself together because she had no choice. And in time maybe she get to a day when she wouldn't have to pull herself together just to function. Some day she might actually get over House. It was just hard to imagine that day right now.

Her attention was drawn back to Wilson when he suggested talking. She shook her head with a bitter laugh. "Sounds good, but both people have to think the relationship is worth salvaging. When one of the people thinks the whole relationship was a mistake, there's not much talking can do."

Cuddy wrapped her arms around her chest, aware she was huddling in on herself more and more but unable to stop. It was as if by holding on and making herself somehow smaller she could hold on to her pain and make it smaller as well.

"God," she sighed, glancing at Wilson. "How did you survive going through this three times?"

Wilson just nodded, though inwardly he was cringing a little. House had made it pretty obvious that he didn't want to lose Cuddy - to the point where Wilson realised House was actually in love with Cuddy - and here Cuddy was, thinking House wanted the opposite. Wilson the Mediator wanted to immediately kick into action, except... he wasn't sure where to tread with this. Ultimately, it wasn't his business. But on the other hand, he was House's best friend and House had come to him specifically for advice and for someone to talk to, so in a way it was his business. Wilson wanted to look out for his friends, after all. More specifically, House, because House had always been Wilson's primary concern.

He sighed when Cuddy dredged up the fact that he'd been through three failed marriages. Wilson wasn't proud of that fact. He was never always sure where or how he kept getting it wrong, either. He wanted what everyone else wanted, yet could never seem to get it right. Sometimes it was because he did things he shouldn't have done; sometimes it was because his wife did things she shouldn't have done. And sometimes, things just fell apart over time.

"I guess..." He made a slightly helpless gesture with his hands. "Cracks appear. Things start not seeming right. They're things you don't want to admit, but in a way they prepare you for the worst." He shrugged. "And when the worst happens, you just... get through it." He glanced at her. "Doesn't make it easy, but nothing in life really is."

He studied the way Cuddy was huddled in on herself while trying to think of a direction to take the conversation to get Cuddy to open up a bit more. "If you think the relationship is worth salvaging, then why would he think it's a mistake? Usually if one person thinks a relationship is worth working on, it usually is." He shrugged again. "People say things in relationships that they don't really mean, usually in the middle of an argument. But just because they say them, doesn't necessarily mean they're true."

Cuddy nodded when Wilson talked about how a relationship could break down over time. She'd been in relationships that had died a 'natural' death so she understood what he was saying. Those endings hurt but at least you had time to prepare. This thing with House--it was like an earthquake: sudden, unexpected, and devastating.

"I thought it was real. He thinks it was a mistake. Obviously he has a different perspective," Cuddy said, a hint of bitterness in her voice. Of course she'd known she and House had different points of view on many issues but she'd thought they were in agreement about a few fundamentals, like being in love. She'd thought that would be enough to get past the differences.

"This wasn't an argument," she said, shaking her head. "This was the Titanic hitting the iceberg."

And the next thing she'd known she was drowning, crushed under the weight of the sea flooding over her. She knew things got said in the heat of the moment. She and House had fought enough times that she wasn't easily deterred by a few well placed barbs. That's not what Monday night had felt like, though. That had felt...final.

"And sometimes people say what they really mean in the middle of an argument," she added. She took a shaky breath as she recalled the accusations House had made. "He thinks I was using him. He thinks I tried to trap him. From his point of view, there is no reason to salvage the relationship because it was nothing but a lie to begin with." She sniffed and blinked back a threatened tear. "He's an idiot."

Wilson could imagine it was like the Titanic hitting the iceberg. That was the way things tended to turn out with House. There was never a middle ground, never an easy solution, never an easy answer. And when House freaked, and Wilson could only imagine how much House would've freaked about becoming a father - he'd seen some of that freaking out for himself in his office - it was never small scale freaking out. He launched attacks at those around him rather than face his own problems and the issue at hand. That was how he'd always been.

Wilson lifted his clasped hands to rest his chin against them, feeling even more of an urge to take over as mediator; to come out with it and say to Cuddy that House didn't think it was a mistake and that he was in love with her. But he knew doing that would likely make Cuddy not trust him because he'd led her on to believe he wasn't in the know.

"Using him and trapping him for what purpose?" Wilson asked. He then spread his hands to affect cluenessness. "If he's accusing you of trapping him, then maybe he's just scared. It's not unusual for a guy to freak out when a relationship starts getting serious. Maybe... maybe he was just saying it was a mistake because he was afraid."

He had to silently agree that House was an idiot, though he didn't blame House at the same time. He thought it was typical, however, for House to leave a situation in tatters and not do anything to fix it, even when he knew he had to.

"It doesn't matter for what purpose because I wasn't trying to trap him," Cuddy said, feeling defensive again.

Monday hadn't been the first time House had accused her of trying to get pregnant. He'd consistently blamed her for forgetting the condoms even though he hadn't done any better job remembering than she had. It was if he'd expected her to screw him over and the baby was simply the proof that he'd been right. She didn't know how to defend herself against that. She knew the pregnancy hadn't been intentional but how did she prove it?

"Yeah, he's scared all right." On some level she was able to understand that House was frightened but it certainly didn't make her feel any better. In a sense, his reason for breaking it off didn't matter. Good reasons, bad reasons, no reason at all--it made no difference. She ended up just as alone. So did he, but he seemed to like it that way. "But that doesn't mean he isn't sure it was a mistake. He could be scared because he knows it was all a big mistake."

"The next time I saw him I told him I didn't think we were a mistake. He couldn't even be bothered to answer me." She shook her head sadly. "So this is not the time to try and give me hope, Wilson. I appreciate the thought, but it's pointless."

Wilson let out a breath and raked a hand through his hair. Even though Wilson knew why House was the way he was in most cases, he still found it frustrating how willing House was to sabotage his own relationships. The thing Wilson wasn't sure about was whether House sabotaged them deliberately or unintentionally. It certainly always seemed deliberate... but that didn't necessarily mean it was intentional. He knew House was afraid of getting hurt again and that he was almost deathly afraid of intimacy and love, but he wished House would give himself a chance. He sometimes wished House wasn't such an idiot about these things.

"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to help," Wilson replied, a little defensive himself from feeling frustrated that he wasn't really getting anywhere here. Well, he was, but not as deeply as he'd hoped. He sighed again, then looked across at Cuddy.

"Look," he continued gently after a pause, "maybe you're right. Maybe he's scared because he thinks it's a big mistake. Or maybe he doesn't. You're just assuming that's the case, maybe because that's what you're expecting him to think. But maybe what you assume isn't actually the case. I mean, you can either stick by that belief and miss out indefinitely, or you can take a chance if he matters to you that much." He paused again, then asked, "How much does he matter to you?"

Cuddy knew Wilson was trying to help, she simply didn't how he could. Even if he knew it was House they were talking about, she didn't know that he could do anything. House tended to listen to Wilson more than he listened to anyone else, but he didn't always listen to Wilson.

Of course, that was assuming Wilson would even try to convince House to try and fix the relationship. Right now he was talking about an unknown man. She didn't know what he'd think of her and House being together. Maybe he'd think it was a mistake, too, and advise House to get out of the relationship and stay out. She couldn't even say that he wouldn't have some legitimate concerns. She'd had some concerns herself but it was too late for her now. She'd fully committed herself to House.

"I'm in love with him," she said when Wilson asked how much House mattered to her. "I'd do anything for him. I want to make him happy."

Okay, maybe she wouldn't do anything. She wasn't willing to even consider terminating the pregnancy so obviously there were some limits to how far she'd go. Still, she was willing to go pretty damn far for him. Further than she ever been willing to go for any other man.

"So what do I do?" Cuddy unwrapped her arms from around her chest and held her hands up in a helpless gesture. "I don't want it to end. But how do I get him to talk to me? Do I wait for him to come to me...which he may never do. Or do I go after him and risk making him angrier?"

"Anything?" Wilson asked. "You'd do anything for him?"

Wilson was asking out of interest for Cuddy, but he was asking more out of interest for House. And making House happy... Well, Wilson wasn't too sure if that was even possible, not really. House wasn't by any definition a happy person. He had happy moments and knew how to have a laugh and knew how to smile. But House as a happy person was almost like an oxymoron. Though, if House was in love with Cuddy, then obviously she was doing something right, or he saw something in her that he needed and wanted. Wilson had to wonder, though, if Cuddy realised how big a feat she was taking on to want to make him happy.

"Well, that's definitely devotion right there," he said, almost speaking his thoughts out loud more than addressing Cuddy.

It was devotion, too - he'd devoted a huge part of his life to House and often got little payback. House was always worth it, though, because House was his best friend and Wilson wouldn't have it any other way. But that didn't mean he didn't get frustrated or annoyed that House didn't, well, validate him a little more from time to time. Of course, then House went the extreme and overvalidated by getting possessive and invasive whenever Wilson had a relationship. He'd always been the same towards Cuddy, funnily enough, and now he was actually in a relationship with her.

"Uh," he began at Cuddy's question. He let out a slow breath and sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees again. "I think you need to give it time. If he's scared, then going after him might scare him even more. If you show you're willing to wait for him, then maybe he'll come to you. When he feels ready. Ultimately, people always end up gravitating towards what matters to them most. And if he means that much to you, then chances are you mean just as much to him."

He studied her face. "Don't give up," he said, and he was saying that for House's sake, not Cuddy's, regardless how sincerely it sounded he meant her. But for good measure, he added lightly, "Besides, it's not like you to give up."

"Well, maybe not anything," Cuddy admitted. "I mean I wouldn't start breaking laws for him."

Although.... She might not have technically broken any laws for House as his boss but she'd sure bent a few. She'd always taken risks for him in her professional life and it really wasn't any different in her private life. Just getting involved with him was a risk, given that she knew how difficult he could be. She was willing to do it because she believed the payoff was worth the risk. Up until a couple of days ago, it had been worth it.

"I'm not giving up. It's just...complicated."

She wasn't a quitter, except that she'd become something of a defeatist about men. They always left and over the years she'd stopped fighting so hard to stop them from leaving. She never won so it hadn't seemed worth the effort. And despite the fact that Wilson's advice made her feel a little less hopeless, she couldn't help the sick feeling that it was all over no matter what she did. She'd try, though. This relationship was too important to her to give up with a fight.

"Thanks," she said with a weak smile. "I guess I did need to unload on someone. Sorry it had to be you."

"Relationships themselves are never simple," Wilson said, half-agreeing, half-pointing out a fact.

Of course he knew exactly what she was talking about in terms of complicated. Between House's apparent (not suprisingly) undealt with issues from the shooting and the fact that Cuddy was pregnant - yeah, he could definitely see why it was complicated. Getting involved with House on any scale was usually complicated enough. House sure as hell knew how to make things complicated.

Wilson held a hand up at Cuddy when she said she was sorry. "No, not at all," he insisted. "Really, don't apologise. If I didn't want to hear it, I would be sitting here, hearing it."

He was glad he'd gotten Cuddy to talk. He had a bit of a clearer idea where the situation was coming from, from both sides now. There was only one little detail he still wanted to hear from Cuddy's side - the pregnancy. While House had basically said Cuddy wanted to keep it, Wilson still wanted to hear it from her. Of course, the tricky part was getting her to talk about it without making it seem like he knew. Or getting her to talk about it at all.

He hesitated, making it seem like he was about to get up and leave Cuddy to it (when, really, he was quickly trying to work out a way to at least try to prod Cuddy into saying something), then looked at her again with a faint, gentle smile.

"I'm still interested to know why he would say you were trapping him and why he would say your relationship was a mistake. I say that because, even though you said it doesn't matter, I think it matters." He held his hand up to her again as if to say 'wait, let me explain'. "It matters because understanding the situation that provoked that response from him might help you gain some perspective on what's going on between you two."

He gestured to her and hoped that appealing to her emotions would somehow move her into talking about it. "You're clearly very upset, and you have every right to be. You're hurting, understandably. Therefore, it's easy to become consumed by your own grief over what could be the end of a very significant relationship, which it seems like it is for you. And most likely for him, too, especially seeing you're in love with him. That in and of itself is a privilege to have in a relationship - to be loved that deeply by someone." He gave her his best sympathetic, concerned look. "That matters, doesn't it?"

"Perspective, right," Cuddy said glumly. She pushed herself up out of the chair and started walking around the office to give herself a moment to think. She thought she had a pretty honest perspective on the situation; it seemed obvious to her. Maybe she was wrong, though. Maybe she was too emotional to be objective about it.

The problem was--could she tell Wilson about the baby? Her instinct was to keep it a secret for the moment. Eventually everyone would know, of course, even Wilson. She supposed it wouldn't hurt to tell him now as long as she didn't tell him who the father was. Hell, if she and House couldn't work something out Wilson would never know who the father was, not from her.

"I want children. He knew that. I was on fertility meds. He knew that, too." She leaned back against the front of her desk, her hands gripping the edge tightly on either side. "He doesn't want children so I stopped the fertility treatments...but a couple of days ago I found out I'm pregnant."

She shrugged, her expression growing bleak again as she looked at Wilson. She was curious to see what his reaction would be even though ultimately it wouldn't matter. The only reaction that mattered was House's.

"The pregnancy was an accident," she insisted. "But I guess it doesn't really matter because I want the baby and he doesn't. And I don't see any way to resolve that problem."

Wilson watched Cuddy rise from the chair and pace around her office. He knew Cuddy well enough to know that when she paced like that, she was considering something, which meant hopefully she was considering opening up to him. He felt relief, almost like accomplishment when Cuddy began talking about wanting to children.

Because Cuddy didn't know he already knew, he knew he needed to react appropriately for a person first hearing news like this. He carefully schooled his expression into a genuine look of surprise when Cuddy announced that she was pregnant. Again, like when House had informed him, he had an urge to congratulate her. Now wasn't the time and place to do such a thing, however.

"Wow," he said, still affecting surprise now bordering on thoughtfulness as he took in what Cuddy was saying. So, this hadn't been a thing that had happened out of the blue, like House made it out to be. They'd had issues regarding pregnancy in the past where House had to at least face the topic. So, House wasn't completely unprepared. At least, that was how Wilson saw it.

"Well," he continued after a moment of thinking, "I can definitely see why it's complicated." He threw Cuddy a sympathetic look, then sighed as he thought a little more.

"And I assume he freaked? That was what prompted him to say the relationship was a mistake?" He could certainly see House taking that approach - attacking and blaming, rather than dealing. While Wilson wanted to do everything he could to protect House - and Cuddy, at least to a point - House still had to deal with this somehow and at some point. That he seemed willing to make amends with Cuddy and, more importantly, that he was in love with Cuddy, Wilson had to hope that House would start dealing. Until then, however, Wilson's urge to be mediator kicked into action again.

"Okay, well," he said, gesturing with his hands, "looking at this objectively, while it's unfair that he chose to be provoked into such a negative response because of that news, it's not entirely unreasonable that he would freak. Most people who don't want children would freak at that.

"The fact that the topic of pregnancy was at least addressed even before you feel pregnant means that he would be at least aware of the issue. That at least means he knew of your desire to have children and at some point, and he's going to have to accept that. How he chooses to accept that is ultimately up to him. But his reaction to you being pregnant was an initial reaction, by the sounds of it, and it's a known fact that initial reactions are often not rational. They're impulsive, they're based upon immediate responses to a situation without thinking things through."

Wilson had no idea what choice House was going to make in regards to the role he'd end up playing in the baby's life. But he thought it was only fair that Cuddy at least give House a chance to process this news before jumping to conclusions.

"I guess the only solution right now is what I said before," he concluded. "You probably need to just give it some time."

"Oh, yes--big time," Cuddy said when Wilson guessed that House had freaked at the news. She'd expected him to freak, too. She hadn't expected it to get so nasty but she'd known he wouldn't suddenly embrace the idea of fatherhood. And if it hadn't gotten so nasty, she probably could've found it in herself to be sympathetic to House's position. Instead it had degenerated into name calling and, regrettably on her part, a slap.

"Well, he's got nine months...minus a couple weeks," she said when Wilson reiterated that she'd have to give it time. Being so depressed over the whole situation, though, she didn't hold out a lot of hope that House would change his mind no matter how much time he had to think. If he'd been someone who'd simply never thought about being a father, she might have more hope that he only needed a little time to get used to the idea. But House had thought about it and decided against it. It seemed like she had a lot further to go to convince him that a baby was not a bad thing. Maybe too far.

Still, she had nothing but time. She certainly wasn't going to go back to the dating scene. She'd already decided that House would be the last chance she took on a relationship. If it ended up being just her and the baby, then she'd deal with it. If House wanted to be part of that somehow, then she'd deal with that, too. She just hated being in this limbo, not knowing which way it would go.

"He knows where I am, if he decides he wants to talk," she said, accepting Wilson's advice to wait for House to be ready. "But I really hate not being able to do something."

Wilson gave a helpless gesture with his hands. The bottom line was nobody could make House do anything he didn't want to do, and if being a father was something he really didn't want, then pretty much everybody was powerless to do anything. Wilson was at least assured that Cuddy wasn't out to force House into a decision; that definitely wouldn't do good for anyone in the long run.

But as far as Wilson could tell, at least from House's apparent decision he'd reached yesterday, House did want to be with Cuddy. That was a start. Of course, House had to actually make that first step, and Wilson couldn't help wondering if House would. But on the other hand, he was pretty sure that if he felt in any way pressured by Cuddy, and that included her pursuing him, then maybe he really would back off.

Wilson pushed himself up from the couch, picked up his coffee, and stood tall as he looked at Cuddy. "That's the unfortunate thing about people," he said. "You can't make them do anything. You can, however, look after yourself in the meantime. That's doing something. After all, you've got someone else besides him you need to think about now."

He nodded towards her, dropping his eyes to her belly. He then began stepping around the coffee table. He had no reason to stay now. He'd gotten the information he wanted and there was little more he could do for Cuddy besides talking some more. He stopped between Cuddy and door and looked at her.

"You know where I am if you need to talk," he said. He was offering genuine support for Cuddy... but he was also hoping that by staying in the fold, he could keep tabs on what was going on. He gave Cuddy a small smile, then added, "This probably isn't appropriate right now, but... congratulations. You at least deserve to hear that much, regardless of the circumstances."

"And some people are more stubborn than others," Cuddy muttered, more because she was thinking aloud than because she was telling Wilson that she was involved with someone who was a recalcitrant jerk.

He was right, though. She couldn't make House do anything, not even talk. In fact, the more she tried, the less likely he'd be to cooperate. It was hard for her to accept that she had no control at this point but if Wilson was right, her best chance of getting House to feel more cooperative was to let him do it in his own time.

She dropped her hand, pressing her palm over her abdomen when Wilson reminded her that she had another responsibility now. That responsibility was one of the reasons she wasn't letting herself wallow in in her heartache. She had to eat right and get her rest because the baby shouldn't have to suffer just because its parents were messed up.

She looked up at Wilson with a smile. It was small but genuine because it was nice to hear someone express a positive sentiment. "Thank you. And for listening," she said as she straightened up and moved behind her desk, where the work wasn't going away no matter what she was going through. "And don't worry--I'll be okay. I'm stubborn, too. Too stubborn to let anything keep me down for good."

Wilson raised his hand at her. "Don't mention it," he replied. "We all need someone to talk to from time to time."

He returned the smile to her, and watched Cuddy move around the desk. Part of him itched to find House, to find out why House had stalked off the way he had earlier and to find out if House had reached any further decision... and maybe to talk some sense into him, now that Wilson knew the story from both sides. He knew himself he'd have to bide his time with doing such a thing, as much as Cuddy would. Sometimes House was best left to his own devices to do thinking on his own, frustrating as that could be.

Wilson was just about to ask if Cuddy would be okay, when she assured him exactly that. "Sometimes stubbornness actually is an admirable quality," he replied lightly, wanting to lift the mood. He went to move off, then changed his mind and faced back to Cuddy to add jokingly, "Think there's any chance we can make House use his gift of stubbornness constructively?"

He smiled before he faced to the door to let himself out.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Wednesday, late morning

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject