Saturday, 21 April

[hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com]

Cuddy turned off the light in the kitchen and headed for the front door. She grabbed her purse and a light jacket, then stopped, looking around and feeling as if she'd forgotten something.

The past week had been very long and very hard and very lonely. The only reason she'd been able to cope with it was because she knew House was where he needed to be to get the help he needed to have. Whenever she got down thinking about him confined to a psychiatric hospital and worried about what their future really held, she reminded herself that this was for the best. It didn't make her feel any less lonely but at least the loneliness had a purpose and she could live with that.

She gave herself a shake to clear the cobwebs collecting in her mind and strode to the door. She pulled the door open, and nearly got a fist in the face.

"Oh, God." Wilson jerked back, pulling his hand away just before he hit her instead of the door. "I.... Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Cuddy said, puzzled but amused. "You missed. The question is--why were you about to knock on my door?"

"I think you should let me drive." Wilson put his hand up before she argue with him, again, that she was perfectly capable of driving herself to Mayfield. "I know what you said but what if something happened? What if you go into labor?"

"For heaven's sake, Wilson," Cuddy said, stepping out onto the porch and locking her front door behind her. She turned to face him. "I'm not hiking off into the wilderness. And I have my cell phone," she added, waving phone at him before tucking it away in her purse.

"I know. And I don't care," he said with vaguely apologetic shrug. "You alone and being this pregnant makes me nervous. Please--let me drive."

She stared at him for a moment. She hadn't been looking forward to making the drive alone with nothing to distract her from her thoughts. In some ways, she wasn't looking forward to seeing House because she was worried about what she might see. If he was having a bad time of it, she would have a hard time staying optimistic. And then she'd have the long drive home again, alone.

"Okay, you win," she said finally. "But you have to let me buy you lunch."

Wilson gave a relieved nod of his head. Then he gave her a quirky little grin. "Well, this will be different. Normally on a road trip, I have to pay for all the food."

*

Cuddy was actually glad she'd let Wilson drive. He was, as always, enjoyable company. More than that, though, he knew the situation. She didn't have to pretend with him. He understood some of what she was feeling--he was probably the only other person who could--so she didn't have to explain herself. They took turns reassuring each other that everything was going to be just fine. Even if neither of them was completely convinced, it was still nice to hear it.

She found herself getting almost unbearably nervous as they went through the visiting procedure in the reception area. After signing in, her bag was searched and they had to turn over anything that could potentially be used to cause injury. It was a horrible feeling to have to look at ordinary, everyday things like nail clippers and calculate how much damage it could do. And she was only visiting. House must feel like he was in prison.

"It's okay," Wilson said quietly, placing his hand on her back as an orderly led them to House's room. She answered him with a terse nod, then stopped in her tracks when the orderly went to knock on one of the doors.

"Do you...?" Wilson stepped back and nodded down the hall. "I'll just wait over here. Yell when--if--House is ready to see me."

"Thank you." Cuddy walked to the door just as the orderly called through the door to announce House had a visitor. He opened the door for Cuddy then, and headed back down the hall. Cuddy took a deep breath and stepped through the door. That first moment of seeing House churned up a whole bunch of emotions but she pushed them down and smiled at him. "Hi. Okay if I come in?"

Comments

[hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com]

"I'll bring you some toys to relieve the boredom but you really shouldn't skip your sessions."

Cuddy wasn't sure if House was serious about playing hooky but it would certainly be in character for him. It would also be very stupid, more so than his usual pointless resistance to authority. He'd made the decision to check himself in and get therapy. If he spent his time figuring out ways to avoid therapy, he was defeating the whole purpose of being here. He'd only be hurting himself by sabotaging his own recovery...which would also be very typical of him.

"Skipping therapy is only going to prolong your stay," she pointed out in a quiet voice. "And I'd really like to have you home sooner rather than later."

"You want to be home before the Condo makes his appearance, don't you?" Wilson asked, adding his two cents as he turned his coffee cup around and around on the table. He knew as well as Cuddy that House was a genius when it came to undercutting his own well-being. House was the kind of guy who would literally bite the hand that fed him even while complaining he was hungry. Not being able to stop his self-destructive behaviors was one of the most frustrating aspects of being House's friend.

"Besides, the longer you're gone, the more opportunity Foreman has to usurp your throne," he added.

"Over my dead body," Cuddy interjected.

"You'll be gone soon, too, on maternity leave," Wilson pointed out. "That's going to leave the door wide open for Foreman's coup."

[whatstheddx.livejournal.com]

He stared down at his coffee cup. He'd only tried getting out of therapy a couple of times but he'd suffered the consequences for doing so, confined to a room as part of time out and rostered on extra cleaning duties. And no, he didn't want to prolong his stay here but damn, he found those therapy sessions hard.

He just threw Wilson a look that silently said, 'of course I do'. He didn't know how realistic it was going to be, being home by the time the baby was born. That was one of the things he hated about being in here - the unknown, on so many levels. Not just the unknown of whether he'd actually pull through this, like he'd confided in Cuddy earlier, but how long he was going to be here.

"Over my dead body," House retorted about Foreman's coup. "For all I know, I could be out of here within a few weeks and back in work. And even if I'm not, this dictator will never be overthrown. Foreman will return to his rightful place on the food chain sooner or later."

He sniffed and yet again fished the tissue out of his pocket to wipe his nose. He glanced at Cuddy as he did so. Wilson bringing up maternity leave reminded House of how he'd said he wanted to be around more for the first couple of months. He'd even said he'd cut his hours down. And now... well, now he didn't know what the future held.

He moved his hand back to Cuddy's hand still on his thigh and he gave it a small rub.

[hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com]

"Even if both of us are gone, you're right next door," Cuddy told Wilson. "You can stop him."

"No," Wilson said, raising one hand in a 'stop' gesture. "I'm merely the King's fool. It's not my place to fight his enemies."

Cuddy let out a little snort. She was amused by Wilson's description of himself. It was accurate to a point, but he did more defending of House--fighting his enemies--than he was admitting.

"Well, I wouldn't worry too much. Cameron will scratch Foreman's eyes out if he makes a move." Cuddy wasn't worried at all about the team. Yes, Foreman would love to be in charge but he couldn't really do anything about it without her approval and she wasn't going to give him that. She was far more worried about House during his time away. And, as Wilson had reminded her, during her time off. She'd been focused on the question of House being present for the birth. She hadn't really thought further than that but the reality was, she might be facing a maternity leave without House around to participate. The thought of doing that alone was depressing. Even worse was the thought of having to bundle the baby up and make the trek to Mayfield so House could even see his child on some kind of regular basis.

She turned in her chair to face House more directly, turning the hand on his knee so she could grasp his. She didn't want to think about that right then. Everything was simply too uncertain to make any kind of plans. She'd just have to deal with things as they developed.

"About your team.... I told them you were taking time off to get some follow-up treatment for the injuries you got in the shooting." That was true enough--part of the reason he was here was because of the shooting--but she'd implied his problem was physical, not emotional. She'd felt like she had to give his lackeys some kind of reason because otherwise they were likely to go snooping on their own. Well, not Foreman. He didn't really care. But Cameron definitely would. Giving them something, she hoped, would keep their curiosity appeased.

"That seems to have satisfied them for now. At least they haven't been asking any questions," she continued. "So it'll be up to you what you tell them when you get back. You can tell them the truth or just leave it with the 'follow-up treatment' explanation."

[whatstheddx.livejournal.com]

"He lies," House said of Wilson's claim that he was but a mere fool. "Wilson's a modern-day Feste. Plays the fool but is more than capable of exacting revenge on those he's not on good terms with."

"Actually, that sounds more like you," Wilson replied. "You make tormenting the likes of modern-day Malvolios an art form."

"Two of a kind," said House as he wiped his nose again. He sniffed, then pointed to Wilson. "The only difference is, you're in perpetual stealth mode."

"Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. At least I usually know when to keep my mouth shut, unlike you," Wilson said.

House rolled his eyes at Wilson just as Cuddy upturned her hand in his and he turned to her while pushing the tissue back into his pocket. He'd wondered what Cuddy had told his team. He had a feeling she would have given a smokescreen kind of answer, though his team were pretty cluey and smokescreen answers only worked as a bluff. "Except they're going to work out the true meaning of 'follow-up treatment' if I'm gone for several months."

He'd sobered somewhat when Cuddy had mentioned the shooting. The last couple of therapy sessions, his doctor had been trying to coax him into talking about the shooting, which he'd tried to hardest to dodge talking about. He just wasn't ready to face that yet. Hell, he wasn't really ready to face anything. But the anxiety talking about the shooting provoked especially made him want to dodge the topic. He couldn't handle addressing the issue and usually tried everything in his power to avoid it altogether. That had been part of the reason why he was prescribed prazosin - his doctor had told him his nightmares could possibly be even more prevalent while dealing with the issue of the shooting through therapy.

He shrugged. He almost couldn't bring himself to care right now what his team would think of his absence. He had much bigger things to worry about, though if Cuddy was keeping them and their curiosity at bay with smokescreen excuses, then all the better. "So long as none of them find out where I am. If they start getting too suspicious, just tell them you killed me in a pregnancy-hormone frenzy and buried me under the floorboards."

"Sorry to interrupt," a nurse said. "But you've got five more minutes before visiting hours are over."

[hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com]

"I think Cameron already suspects I've done away with you," Cuddy said dryly. Actually, she got the feeling Cameron thought House had run away so he wouldn't have to face being a daddy. Given his usual attitude, it was a reasonable assumption. Wrong, but reasonable. And for the moment, Cuddy was willing to let Cameron suspect all she wanted, just as long as she didn't go looking for House.

Keeping House's whereabouts a secret was purely for his peace of mind. All three of his fellows thought he was nuts to begin with. They knew, or suspected, House needed therapy. That wouldn't surprise them. They'd only be surprised he was actually getting it. Cuddy suspected they would even be supportive of the idea. There was still a stigma attached to mental illness, though. It wasn't as bad as it used to be but it was still there. If House wanted to keep it private, she'd do her best to keep his secret.

She looked up with a sharp pang of dread when the nurse interrupted. She'd known they were almost out of time but she hoped somehow time would slow down or all the clocks would break--something to give them just a little more time.

As the nurse walked away, Wilson glanced over at House and Cuddy. He downed the rest of his coffee and got to his feet. "I'm going to head on up to the admissions office--see if there's any paperwork we need to sign to get House home for the baby's birth," he told Cuddy. "I'll meet you by the entrance." He turned to House then, bobbling his empty cup in his hands. He wanted to tell his friend to behave, take his meds, work with his therapist. He knew he'd be wasting his breath, though. House did things only one way--his way.

"Take care of yourself, House," he finally said. He took his coffee cup over to the sink and rinsed it out. He glanced around one last time for Justine so he could say good bye. He just wanted to be polite--that's all it was. He didn't see her, though, so he wandered on out into the hall and headed for the entrance.

Cuddy reached over and laid her other hand on top of House's, sandwiching it between both of hers. The more time she wanted to have with him, the faster it seemed to go. She doubted she'd be lucky enough for time to pass this quickly until she got to see him again, although she realized their time apart would probably go a lot slower for House than it would for her.

"I'll be back soon," she told him. "Just as soon as I can manage."

[whatstheddx.livejournal.com]

House didn't realise how much he actually wanted Cuddy and Wilson to stay until he heard the nurse tell them they had to leave. Up until that point, he'd been wavering on the cusp of being very glad to see them and ashamed that they were seeing him in such a vulnerable state and environment. But the news that they had to leave in a minute brought it home to him just how lonely he was in here and he almost started to feel a little panicky.

He absently listened to Wilson tell Cuddy about paperwork that might need to be signed, and just nodded when Wilson told him to look after himself. He glanced over his shoulder to watch Wilson head out of the room, turning back to Cuddy when he felt her other hand on his. God, it wasn't like this was a final farewell. It wasn't like his stay here was even permanent. But it sure felt like it was. It felt like a farewell. Cuddy and Wilson were heading back home and would get on with their lives while he was stuck here.

He nodded at Cuddy's assurance that she'd be back. He gave her hand a squeeze before reaching his other hand up and he took both her hands in his. He rubbed his thumbs over the backs of her knuckles, then drew one of her hands up to his lips and pressed a soft, lingering kiss to her palm with his eyes closed. When he opened his eyes again, he kept her hand pressed by his cheek for a moment, looking at her.

"Come on, House. Time to say goodbye to your guests now," the same nurse said, standing by House's chair. "You can walk them to the end of the ward."

Five more minutes, House wanted to say to the nurse. Just let me have five more minutes. But if he had five more, then he'd want another five more, and another five more. He lowered Cuddy's hand and gave it one final squeeze before he let it go and reached for his cane. He stood up and drew Cuddy to him with his arm around her shoulders and his face tucked in against the side of her neck as he hugged her tight, not wanting to let her go. He inhaled deeply, taking one last chance to bask in everything familiar about Cuddy.

"I miss you," he murmured loud enough for only Cuddy to hear, against her neck. Resting his cane against the side of his thigh, he moved his other hand to her belly and rubbed the side of it. He pulled back from Cuddy just enough to look down at her stomach. "I miss you, too," he told the baby, again only loud enough for Cuddy to hear.

[hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com]

Cuddy rubbed her thumb over House's stubble when he pressed her hand to his cheek. She wanted to tell the nurse to stop pushing them...except they weren't being pushed. It only felt that way because she wasn't ready to leave. She wanted to stay. She wanted to be able to touch him, just hold his hand. These little touches were what were going to get her through until the next time she could see him.

She let out a heavy sigh and shifted her hands to the edge of the table to pull herself to her feet. She wrapped her arms around him for one more hug, burying her face against his shoulder while she squeezed him tight. She pulled back with a wistful smile as he talked to the baby. "We miss you, too," she murmured. She glanced over House's shoulder and saw the nurse, very pointedly waiting.

"Come on," she said reluctantly. She took his hand and they walked slowly down the hall. There were a few other visitors heading for the doorway, but not many. She supposed a lot of people found visiting a psychiatric facility too depressing, and some of the patients probably didn't have anyone who cared enough to visit. That would never happen to House. She'd be there. Wilson, too. She knew Wilson would never give up on House.

When they reached the end of the ward she turned to House and gave him one more hug, clutching his shirt in a fierce grip. "Call me," she said, pulling back and reaching up to caress his cheek. "I'll even put the phone on my belly so Junior can hear you. The two of you can continue your evil plots to subvert my authority."

[whatstheddx.livejournal.com]

He was aware the whole time that the nurse was standing behind him, waiting. He wanted to turn around and snap at him to give them some space. All he could do, though, was take Cuddy's hand when she pulled back. It wouldn't matter if he barked at the nurse or not, Cuddy and Wilson would still be kicked out at three o'clock on the dot.

He wound their fingers together as they walked hand-in-hand down the hall, the sinking feeling of dread that Cuddy and Wilson were leaving weighing heavier and heavier in his gut with each step. When Cuddy turned him for one last hug, he gripped her upper arms and held her close. The expression on his face was despondent when Cuddy pulled back, though cracked a faint, thin smile when she said about him continuing his evil plotting with their kid through the phone.

"You say that now, but I know that'll only come back to bite me on the ass," he joked without much humour to his voice. He reached his hand up to hers on his cheek and kissed her palm again, then closed the distance to press his lips to hers, an exchange of soft, lingering kisses. He cupped her cheek to draw her closer, pulling back reluctantly when the kisses finally ended.

He glanced up and saw Wilson was watching them through the door where he was waiting out in the corridor. House dropped his hand from Cuddy's cheek to her belly and gave it one last rub before he pulled away from her. "Love you," he said to Cuddy quietly.

[hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com]

Cuddy leaned, almost straining to reach him over her belly. She pressed her mouth to his, focusing all her concentration on the feel of his lips, the heat, the texture.... She always loved kissing him but this kiss was more. It was an entire conversation in itself. It was a vow of love and a promise of better things to come. That was a lot to ask of simple kiss but she did her best.

She forced herself to smile at him as they parted. It wasn't easy to do but she was determined to make this as easy as possible for him. And maybe, just maybe, making it easier on him would make it easier for her to say good bye.

"I love you, too." She pulled back, running her hands down along his arms until she could grasp his hands. "It's going to be okay, House. Just...let your therapist help you and you'll be home in no time."

She looked over her shoulder as the nurse unlocked the door and held it open for her. She gave House's hands another squeeze, then let him go. She had to make herself take the first step through the door. Just one step, and then another, and then she nearly faltered as she heard it close behind her and the lock shoot home.

"You okay?" Wilson asked as she drew close to him. He'd been watching through the door as House and Cuddy parted. He hadn't been able to see Cuddy's face but he'd had a look at House and he could see just how hard it was for his friend to watch them go. Seeing Cuddy's face now, he could see how upsetting it was for her as well.

"No," she said as she walked up to him...and then continued walking right on past him. "But don't let House see it."

Wilson tilted his head, puzzled until he realized she was trying to spare House from feeling her pain as well as his own. He looked back into the ward and gave House a jaunty little two-fingered salute before he turned and followed Cuddy.

"Do you need a moment?" he asked once they were outside, standing on the front steps of the building.

She shook her head and swallowed hard before she could look at him. "He needs to be here," she said, trying to reassure herself this was the right thing to do.

"He needs help," Wilson agreed. He wasn't completely convinced House needed to be committed but he did agree that something had to be done. He'd decided not to second guess House's decision to check himself in because it was a positive move and those were few and far between for House.

"Come on," he said, placing his hand on her shoulder. "Let's go home."