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cuddys_house2009-07-30 10:42 pm
hbic-cuddy.livejournal.com) wrote in cuddys_house2009-07-30 10:42 pm
Afternoon, Thursday, 26 April
Cuddy pulled into a parking space as close to the entrance of Mayfield Hospital as she could find. She'd made the drive by herself this time. Wilson had protested, of course--he really did take his white knight delusion seriously--but she'd insisted. She was perfectly fine. Junior was happily incubating away and showed no signs of popping out any time soon. She knew that could change in a heartbeat but she didn't intend to spend the remaining days until the baby's birth staying at home because she might go into labor at any moment. She'd be fine, and as long as Dr. Patil remained ignorant about all her 'traveling,' everyone would be happy.
She hadn't actually planned on being back at the hospital just yet. Between her obligations at work and the fact House had his own obligations as far as therapy sessions went, she hadn't planned on visiting on weekdays. However, House's doctor had called on Monday and asked if she'd be willing to join one of his one on one sessions with her. Well, what could she say to that? Of course she'd do it if his doctor thought it would be helpful. It's not like they were asking her to donate a vital organ or something. All she had to do was talk.
She couldn't help being a little nervous, though, because she didn't know what to expect. She hoped the doctor would be able to give her some guidance on how she should deal with House's issues. She'd really, really like to have some guidance on that because she clearly didn't know what to do. But she didn't have any experience with psychiatrists from the perspective of a patient, or loved one of a patient, so she was a bit in the dark as to what would happen in this session.
She pulled herself out of the car, which wasn't all that easy when she had to extricate herself from the seatbelt and squeeze Junior out from behind the steering wheel. She retrieved a small tote bag from the back seat before heading to the entrance. She'd gathered up the things House had asked for, thinking the sooner he got them, the sooner he might feel a little more at ease. Of course, once she got inside, she had to let them search the bag to make sure she wasn't bringing in anything he wasn't allowed to have. She'd been careful about her choices, though, so it didn't take too long before one of the orderlies was taking her into the ward.
She'd arrived a bit early because she wanted to make sure she'd have a few moments with House before the therapy session. She wanted to be able to give him his things and maybe steal a hug or a kiss. She still felt guilty remembering how despondant he'd looked when she'd left on Saturday. She knew this was the best place for him but boy, it was hard to think about him feeling so lonely and lost.
The orderly got all chivalrous on her and carried the bag down the hall to House's room. He gave a sharp rap on House's door. "Vistor for you, Greg." Then he handed the bag to her and smiled before he walked away. "Have a nice visit, ma'am."
"Thanks." Cuddy turned the doorknob and opened the door just a little. She didn't want to intrude if he wasn't quite ready for a visitor. "House, are you decent?" she asked just as she poked her head in.
She hadn't actually planned on being back at the hospital just yet. Between her obligations at work and the fact House had his own obligations as far as therapy sessions went, she hadn't planned on visiting on weekdays. However, House's doctor had called on Monday and asked if she'd be willing to join one of his one on one sessions with her. Well, what could she say to that? Of course she'd do it if his doctor thought it would be helpful. It's not like they were asking her to donate a vital organ or something. All she had to do was talk.
She couldn't help being a little nervous, though, because she didn't know what to expect. She hoped the doctor would be able to give her some guidance on how she should deal with House's issues. She'd really, really like to have some guidance on that because she clearly didn't know what to do. But she didn't have any experience with psychiatrists from the perspective of a patient, or loved one of a patient, so she was a bit in the dark as to what would happen in this session.
She pulled herself out of the car, which wasn't all that easy when she had to extricate herself from the seatbelt and squeeze Junior out from behind the steering wheel. She retrieved a small tote bag from the back seat before heading to the entrance. She'd gathered up the things House had asked for, thinking the sooner he got them, the sooner he might feel a little more at ease. Of course, once she got inside, she had to let them search the bag to make sure she wasn't bringing in anything he wasn't allowed to have. She'd been careful about her choices, though, so it didn't take too long before one of the orderlies was taking her into the ward.
She'd arrived a bit early because she wanted to make sure she'd have a few moments with House before the therapy session. She wanted to be able to give him his things and maybe steal a hug or a kiss. She still felt guilty remembering how despondant he'd looked when she'd left on Saturday. She knew this was the best place for him but boy, it was hard to think about him feeling so lonely and lost.
The orderly got all chivalrous on her and carried the bag down the hall to House's room. He gave a sharp rap on House's door. "Vistor for you, Greg." Then he handed the bag to her and smiled before he walked away. "Have a nice visit, ma'am."
"Thanks." Cuddy turned the doorknob and opened the door just a little. She didn't want to intrude if he wasn't quite ready for a visitor. "House, are you decent?" she asked just as she poked her head in.
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The truth was being trapped in his own situation, unable to see past himself especially since coming to the hospital, had caused him to not even think of factors like Cuddy struggling with work and pregnancy on top of everything else. Maybe that was stupid of him. Maybe he should have taken something so obvious into consideration. But he hadn't. In the past two weeks, his world had narrowed right down to this hospital and his own introspection about where he was at in life.
He let Cuddy pull him to her and reached a hand up to clutch her upper arm while she pressed her cheek to his and whispered by his ear. He squeezed her arm. He already felt guilty for going off at Cuddy just before. He felt even guiltier now she'd told him just how hard she was finding it to cope with the other stress factors she was struggling with.
"I know," he whispered back. "I want to come home, too. More than anything." He turned his head and pressed his lips to her cheek. "I love you," he whispered against it.
Megan was quietly watching the whole time. She'd aborted looking for the pamphlet for the time being not just to observe but to let House and Cuddy say whatever they needed to say to each other without distraction. It was moving, to say the least, to see them as they were - very much in love with each other but weighed down with baggage and problems.
House pulled away from Cuddy and lightly kissed her on the lips before he struggled to his feet to return to his seat. Kneeling put too much strain on his bad leg if he stayed on his knees for too long. Megan chose the moment to continue looking for the pamphlet. She found one stacked in one of the many folder compartments lined along the shelf above her desk and she rolled her chair back to House and Cuddy with the pamphlet clutched in her hand.
"Here's some information," she said to Cuddy, handing it over to her. "It just gives some information about what the support group covers, who runs it, what the aim of the group is. Like you said, and it's completely understandable, coming out all this way while heavily pregnant is a big burden and would be very tiring. But maybe have a look through that pamphlet to get more of an idea of what partner support is all about, and maybe you'll be able to find something or someone closer to home. I really do think it's important you get some support somewhere. You have a lot on your plate. And think about it like this: just like Greg needs to be able to help himself before he can help with your relationship, you need to be kind to yourself and find your own support network before you can be the support that Greg needs."
She gave Cuddy a hopeful smile. She then crossed her legs. "May I just make an outsider's observation before we continue?" she said, gesturing to both House and Cuddy. "There's an immense amount of love between you both. I was watching you both just now and it was really lovely to see the way you both interact with each other, even if this is a rather stressful situation for you both to be in. It's really hopeful to see that, while this is a really difficult time for you, you still have that connection with each other."
She looked at Cuddy. "This is a bit of a sidetrack question but I think it's an important one to address, and it might even be something you'll talk about in your letter to Greg if you do decide to write it. But how do you view your relationship with Greg? Start with the good things."
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"Thank you," she said, accepting the pamphlet from Megan. She skimmed the contents quickly before tucking it beside her in the chair. Even if she found something closer to home--and she surely could--this information would help her understand and prepare. She knew what happened in support groups, of course, but she'd never been involved in one. Being who she was, she wanted to know as much as possible before she jumped right in.
"I will find something," she said, looking at House, promising him she'd look after herself. Objectively, she knew she had take care of herself in order to be able to take care of everything else. She also wanted to make sure he didn't worry about her because he needed to devote his energy to his own recovery.
"How...? Um...." She was momentarily nonplussed. Megan certainly had a knack for throwing curve balls. And this was such a broad question she hardly knew where to begin.
"Well...I can't imagine my life without him. Seriously. I've known him since college. One way or another he's always been there." She crossed her hands over her belly as she tried to organize her thoughts. "I've always admired his intelligence, naturally, but I think I was really attracted to his attitude. Sounds crazy, I know, because he really is an ass. But he was always so sure of himself. Nothing intimidated him. He never hesitated to tell his professors they were idiots. What made it okay was that he was always right. And they were idiots.
"I guess that's something I take from him," she said with faintly embarrassed shrug. "Not that I want to be like him but.... I'm intelligent. I'm a hard worker, even ambitious. I don't have the courage to take chances, though. I mean, when I take a chance, it's all been carefully calculated so it's not really a risk. He motivates me to believe in myself more and be willing to act on that belief. And I think that's a good thing to have from a partner."
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She turned to House. "What do you think about Lisa's response? Do you agree with what she's saying."
House was still recovering a little from Megan pointing out how loving he and Cuddy were towards each other. It wasn't a bad thing to hear, but it wasn't a comfortable thing to hear, not for him. He was such a private person; having virtually zero privacy in this place always made him uncomfortable.
"Uh..." he said as he shifted in the seat. "Probably the biggest risk Cuddy ever took was employing me. I'm not sure how carefully calculated that chance was, to be honest. She does like to play it safe, though. I don't, and I think she likes the excuse I give her to take risks."
"Does Lisa encourage you to take risks?"
He thought about that question for a moment. He almost said no but upon second thought... "She does, yeah. Not so much the risks I encourage her to take. Different kinds of risks."
"Such as?"
"Such as... Taking the chance on having a relationship. Something I never thought I'd have again."
"So, you would say that a good thing about your relationship with Lisa is that she's been someone to connect to, someone to prove you can have a relationship."
"I guess..." House replied thoughtfully. He studied Cuddy for a moment, trying to work out how he'd define the good parts of their relationship into a sentence or two. There were a lot of good things about their relationship. A lot of bad things, too. Sometimes, the bad seemed to mesh in with the good and it became impossible to tell if the good was actually bad or vice versa.
Just as he was thinking that, Megan asked, "How do you view the good parts of your relationship, Greg?"
"That's an impossible question to answer."
"It's not." Megan shook her head. "Pick one thing that stands out and elaborate on that one thing."
He sighed, a bit at a loss at the enormity of the question. "She's good at nagging."
"I said the good things about your relationship."
"That's a good thing," he retorted. "She's good at it. Might not be good to me, but..." He glanced at Megan and saw her giving him a dry look. He rolled his eyes at her but then he looked back to Cuddy while considering the question more seriously.
"Cuddy's a lot more sensitive than she'll have you believe. She comes across as a hard bitch at work, but that's hard bitch Cuddy, the one who wears tight skirts and scares the crap out of board directors. Then there's the real Cuddy. That's the Cuddy that laughs and cries and gets hurt and is vulnerable. You see the real Cuddy when she sheds out of her fire-breathing dragon skin into human skin when she gets home from work. That Cuddy is the Cuddy that makes me want to be a better person. Makes me want to take the kind of risk I just talked about."
"So, if you were to sum up your relationship in a word or a sentence, what would that word or sentence be?"
He thought about that for a few moments. "We make a good team. When we're not going all Lord Of The Flies on each other."
Megan looked over at Cuddy. "Lisa?" she prompted, wanting her input on what House had just said.
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She kept her mouth shut and waited until he'd answered Megan's question seriously. She found herself nodding as he spoke. She didn't see it exactly the way he did but she agreed with his basic assertion. She did compartmentalize to some extent. Running a hospital and being taken seriously required her to be tough. She couldn't allow most people to see any weakness because they'd exploit it. In private or with people she could trust, she was much more easy going.
"That's actually one of the easiest thing about our relationship," she said when Megan encouraged her to comment. "House already knows me, including the worst of me. I'm not proud of my less attractive traits and I try to avoid displaying them but at least I don't have to worry about driving him away. He's already seen it all."
She gave a small, dry chuckle. She often felt like she was tiptoeing through a minefield with him, more so lately than before he'd developed PTSD. She had to watch what she said or did for fear of provoking him. Yet, there was still a comfort level with him she didn't have with anyone else. There was an ability to drop any pretense, any facade she felt she had to present in her professional life. She could be herself and he might not always love who she was but he accepted it.
"He's seen me in less than optimal circumstances--bitchy, scared, sweaty, no make-up--and he still accepts me. That's really kind of amazing," she said quietly, looking across at House. Then she glanced at Megan with a grin. "I mean, he sees me like this, all huge and bloated and tired and he still thinks I'm sexy."
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House was rolling his eyes to mask embarrassment as Cuddy said to Megan that he found her sexy even when heavily pregnant. He wasn't going to deny it, though, because it was true - he did find her sexy even when heavily pregnant. In fact, pregnancy gave Cuddy a glow that made her even more vibrant to look at, not to mention the way pregnancy gave her curves in new places and gave her fuller, rounder breasts. He sobered a little when he thought to himself that he wouldn't be able to enjoy the last month or so of her being that way, if he ended up staying in here for that length of time.
"And it's so important to remember those things we appreciate about our partners," Megan continued. "It's so easy to focus on the negative things, especially when times are hard and when a relationship feels strained because of things out of a person's control."
She glanced at her watch. "Our time's almost up," she announced. "I have another patient coming in after this session, so it's probably best if we wrap things up in a minute. But before we do - Lisa, do you have any questions you like to ask? About Greg's therapy, about his medication, about... anything that's on your mind?"
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"I've got lots of questions, just not ones you can answer," Cuddy said when Megan asked. She'd love to know when he was coming home, when would he be better--but she knew there was no realistic answer. He'd get better when he got better. There was no timeline for that.
She'd also love to know what went on in his sessions, both group and private. She'd like to know if, or rather, how much he was resisting treatment. Was he talking to his therapists? Was he telling them everything or hiding some things away? She knew she could only know so much, though. In order for House to feel comfortable with his therapy, he had to know he could say anything without worrying about who else might find out what he'd said. She recognized there might be things he'd need to say that he wouldn't want her to hear and she had to respect that. Especially since she knew he probably had things to say she wouldn't like to hear.
"There is one thing," she said after a moment. "When Dr. Wilson and I were here on Saturday, we made arrangements for House to be temporarily released so he can be home for the baby's birth if necessary. I realize that's a special circumstance but it made me wonder...." She glanced over to House. She hadn't had a chance to discuss this with him so she was almost hesitant to bring it up. She was fairly certain, though, that he wouldn't object.
"I was wondering.... If his stay here is prolonged, would it be possible for him to have some weekend visits home?" she asked Megan. "Obviously I'd love to have him home even if it's only for a day or two but what I'm really concerned about is giving him time to bond with the baby. I know he needs to focus on his treatment but I don't want him to miss out on getting to know his child either."
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"That's definitely something that can be arranged," Megan replied. "In fact, when patients are showing signs of improvement and we've got a goal in place for when they can leave, we encourage patients to have weekends at home leading up to their discharge. It's just so the adjustment back into life won't be such a jolt when they leave here for good, as going from institutionalised life back into real life can be really scary for a lot of patients. We want to help make sure that transition is as smooth as possible."
She gestured to House. "One of the goals that we've both agreed would be good for Greg is if he is out of here before the baby is born. Obviously, we can't rush his therapy and we can't assume to know what's going to happen, but remember at the beginning of the session when I told you about the plan that's been put in place for Greg's recovery? I'm hoping that if Greg continues to do well with his therapy and we have him stabilised on his medication, that he'll be discharged before the baby is born. Like I said, that's not definite, but it's a goal that we can work towards and hope for the best."
House was silent the whole time. The issue of the baby's birth and what would happen if he was still in here had arisen in therapy already; it had been a concern of his how he was going to deal with it if it came to him still having to be in here even after the baby was born. Megan had asked him how he'd feel if he did have to stay here and he admitted that he'd feel like a failure, that he'd failed both Cuddy and his kid.
She'd understood why he'd feel that way but had tried to talk him through the ways in which he wouldn't have failed either Cuddy or his kid. He still wasn't convinced, though. Rationally, he knew being in here was for the best. But his feelings, as much as he hated to admit it, overrode the rational, something he found extremely frustrating about being in here.
"To be perfectly honest," Megan continued, "I don't see why that goal wouldn't be achievable. Greg has been making progress in a way that I'm happy with. It's going to be a slow process, getting him to complete recovery, but he's not in here to achieve that. He's in here to get past the worst of it and be stabilised. The progress he's made so far has been really promising. And I think if Greg continues making progress in here, then I think we'll be able to achieve the goal of having him home for good before the baby's born."
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"That's...that's great." Cuddy lit up with a big smile when Megan said it was a real possibility he'd be home before the baby was born. She'd been afraid to hope for that. She'd been leery of even talking about it because she didn't want to get her hopes up only be crushed. Psychotherapy wasn't an exact science. What worked for one patient didn't work for another. She knew it might take time to find the right combination of medications and therapy that would work for House.
"I know that's not a guarantee," she said Megan. Her hands were fluttering around in barely constrained excitement. If she weren't such a whale she might've gotten up and done a little dance. Stupid, because here she was getting her hopes up and it really wasn't a guarantee. It was something hopeful, though.
She looked over at House. "It'll be so good if you can be home by then. I'll understand if you can't but...it would be really, really nice."
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House couldn't help finding Cuddy's smile and obvious excitement infectious, either. He was relieved to hear Megan say there was an end in sight, an end that could come sooner than he thought. He was also relieved to hear Megan say she thought he was making progress. It sure felt to him like he hadn't made much progress.
"Give it a week with me home and you'll regret ever saying that," he replied to Cuddy. He cracked a small smile, though, to show he was joking. She probably would regret it in some way. But he really hoped he'd be able to come home soon, too.
"Oh, Greg, don't say that," Megan jokingly reprimanded. She turned to him. "How do you feel about the possibility of heading home by the time the baby is born?"
He sighed. "And here I was, hoping to get out of it." Again, he was joking, but he answered more seriously, "Well, to be perfectly honest, it doesn't feel like I've made much progress. I don't know how realistic it is that I'll be out of here by then."
Megan nodded. She turned towards him a little more. "I know it can feel that way. A lot of my patients say the same thing and that's because you're the one going through it and it's hard to see the progress you're making. But you have made progress. A couple of weeks ago, I could barely get two words out of you. But look at today's session. It took you a little while to open up and I know you still have trouble with that, but you contributed a lot more today than you would have a couple of weeks ago. If you keep making that progress and you're stablised on your medication, then we really can look at plans to have you discharged by the time the baby's due to be born and for you to continue your treatment externally."
House nodded thoughtfully. He still wasn't completely convinced, though it was encouraging to hear Megan not just say that he'd made progress but explained how he'd made progress. He glanced at Cuddy and he felt, for the first time in a long time, a little hopeful that he could pull through this. It was just enough news from Megan to make him see that maybe he really would be able to get better.
"How do you feel hearing that?" Megan asked, as if she'd read his mind.
He looked back to her. "Um," he said. He tried to gather his thoughts together, turning his eyes down to his hands. "I feel better. I mean... I really want to be home for this kid. And I want to be home for Cuddy. I really want to be a dad to this kid. A good dad. Maybe I can actually be that... especially if I can get out of here and be there from the start."
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She listened to House and Megan talk, the smile lingering on her face. It was reassuring to hear Megan thought he was making progress. She really had no other way to judge how his therapy was going. She knew he'd been down on Saturday and today, well, she'd seen how reluctant he still was to communicate. But Megan said he was improving and Cuddy was willing to believe her. She wanted to believe her.
"You will be a good dad," Cuddy said with confidence. "A weird dad but a good one." She gave him a mischievous look. "And if you want to jump in from the start, there'll be plenty to do. Lots of dirty diapers. Lots of middle of the night feedings.... Well, I guess you won't have to deal with the feedings at first. I'm sure I'll find something else for you to do, though."
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Megan was laughing at what Cuddy said about putting House to work. "The best way to get a partner involved - put him to work. I did the exact same thing with my partner. The poor guy couldn't escape."
"Is he still alive?" House asked in a dry tone.
"Well, he would've claimed otherwise when our daughter was a baby," she said. "She was very colicky. Neither of us got much sleep for the first year."
"Oh, great!" House remarked with mock enthusiasm as he looked back to Cuddy.
"I know. It's probably not something I should tell new parents-to-be." She threw Cuddy a rueful smile. Her smiled warmed, though, as she looked at Cuddy's belly. "I think the best thing for you right now is to focus on the birth and the excitement of having a new baby. I know - that's probably a lot easier said than done, given the current circumstances. But I want to reassure you that Greg is getting the very best of care in here. We closely monitor everything and I wouldn't be saying Greg is making progress if it wasn't true.
"So, maybe for the next month, focus more on yourself and preparing for the baby, because that's just as important as getting Greg healthy. You do matter and what you're going through matters. Let us take care of Greg and let yourself take care of yourself."
House nodded ever so slightly at Cuddy in agreement. He didn't like Megan talking about the fact that he needed to be cared for but he did agree that Cuddy should take care of herself, especially in the last month of pregnancy. He'd be lying if he said he was glad he didn't have to be around to experience the last month of pregnancy with Cuddy. If anything, he hated the fact that he felt so disconnected from her. But what mattered most, to him, was that she stay healthy and not get too burnt out with stress.
"Dr. Lecter makes a point you should chew on," House said. "Before long, I'll be home and making your life miserable again. Might as well make the most of it while I'm not around to do that."
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"It'll definitely be easier to focus on the baby now I know House is getting better," Cuddy told Megan. Knowing he was making progress in therapy would be one less thing on her mind, but only one less. She still had a lot of things she wanted to get wrapped up at work in the next couple of weeks. Her mother had done a lot to finish up with baby stuff but she was sure she'd remember a few more things she 'had' to have. And now she was supposed to get involved with a support group, which she knew was a smart idea but was also one more thing competing for her time and energy.
Truthfully, there were still aspects of House's situation she'd be worrying over as well, like would he, in fact, be home for the birth? She'd thought of the end of her pregnancy as being a time for them to be together...that's when she'd had time to think of it at all. As he'd grown more accepting of his impending fatherhood, she'd hoped they'd be able to share these last weeks of being just a couple. She'd hoped they'd have time for them as well as time to anticipate the baby's arrival, watching her stomach get huge, her ankles swell and maybe even making a final decision on a name. Being alone wouldn't be the same but if she was honest with herself, being alone would be better than being with him given how messed up he'd gotten. If he got home in time, that would be great. If he didn't, well, she knew it was for the best.
She smiled when House seemed to be thinking something similar. "Oh, definitely--I'll be living it up while you're gone: parties every night, spa treatments every day," she teased dryly. Hell, he might just be lucky to miss some of this. It seemed like every week she got less sleep, had more backaches and heartburn. She was definitly more irritable no matter how much she tried to control it. She hadn't turned into a screeching harpy but she knew she was less than pleasant to be around some days. So maybe House should be hoping to return just in time for the birth. That might be enough of pregnant woman drama for him.
Cuddy turned to Megan and held out her hand, mindful of the doctor's reminder of her next patient. "Thank you for allowing me to join the session today," she said. She threw a faint smile at House before looking at Megan again. "He may not be sure this was a great idea but it really has been helpful to me. It makes me feel much better to have some idea of what he's doing and how he's doing. So thanks."
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Megan sat straighter and shifted to the edge of her chair as she held her hand out to take Cuddy's. She gave it a firm, friendly shake. "It's my pleasure, really," she replied with a warm smile. "It's been wonderful meeting you. And I'm glad you feel more reassured - that was a big part of my intention for you coming in today."
She released Cuddy's hand and dropped hers back to her lap. "I said earlier in the session about you coming in for another session with Greg. I won't arrange a date now for that - I'll give you a call and see how you're going, see if you're up for coming all the way out here. And if possible, depending on the little one's schedule--" she motioned to Cuddy's belly "--and how you're feeling, maybe we could arrange just a one-on-one meeting to talk about whatever concerns you have or even things you might want to get off your chest. But like I said, we'll arrange that later. You have a long drive home ahead of you and I don't want to keep you any longer."
Megan turned to Greg. "Okay, Greg," she sighed, satisfied with how the session had gone. "I'll let you go, too. We'll have our usual session tomorrow and we'll talk about tomorrow's session then."
Relief flooded through House. He was more than ready to end the session. In fact, he was feeling pretty mentally taxed. Every session left him drained to some degree but today's was particularly wearing on his mind. He nodded and reached for his cane. "All right," he replied. "See you."
Megan smiled at him, then at Cuddy. "See you later, Lisa. Again, thanks for coming in and it's been a pleasure meeting you."
House stood up and he limped over to the door. He pulled it open and held it for Cuddy to exit and he heaved a quiet sigh like he was expelling tension as he walked slowly down the hall towards his room with Cuddy. He looked down at her by his side, then reached for her hand and laced their fingers together. He gave her hand a squeeze and a small smile before letting her hand go again to lift his arm around her shoulders.
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Cuddy got to her feet as Megan told House he could leave as well. It was impossible to miss the relief that came over him as he realized he wasn't going to have to talk anymore. It must be pure torture in his mind to be expected to talk every day but Cuddy could find the humor in it now. Megan obviously had the necessary persistance to keep at him so Cuddy could relax a little. She tucked his letter away in her purse and leaned forward to shake Megan's hand again. "In case Junior doesn't cooperate, I want you to know I really appreciate everything you're doing for House."
She gladly took his hand as they walked away from the doctor's office. She felt more hopeful than she had in a long time. Everything she and House had tried to repair their relationship had felt doomed from the start. Even though she'd wanted to find a way to work things out, she'd never really felt confident. That was probably because they'd never truly addressed the real problems. Avoiding conflict was going to be nearly impossible as long as they didn't deal with the issues underlying those fights. She wasn't naive enough to think some drugs and talking were going to fix everything, and certainly not easily. With House getting therapy now, though, she felt like they had a real chance to save their relationship and move forward.
When he slipped his arm around her shoulder, she lifted her hand to rest in the small of his back. She couldn't hold him too closely because it was too difficult for him to walk with her hanging on but it was nice to simply walk together and feel like they were going in the same direction, psychologically as well as physically. "I won't be able to stay much longer," she said apologetically, looking up at his profile. Technically it wasn't official visiting hours anyway so she wasn't sure how long she'd be allowed to stay. She assumed he had his own obligations as well, maybe a group therapy session. "I tried to clear my calendar this afternoon but there's a couple of things I've still got to deal with back at the hospital." She rubbed her hand against his back. "I'm really glad I came today, though. I feel a lot better about...well, everything."
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He nodded when she went on to say that she felt better about everything, thanks to the session with Megan. He supposed he did, too, in some ways. He supposed he felt more hopeful knowing that he'd made progress, according to his doctor. That didn't ease the fact that he was still stuck in here, though, and that didn't ease the fact that he was lonely and wished he was home instead.
"Yeah," he replied. "You're lucky you caught Dr. Lecter on a day she wasn't hungry. Normally she tries to eat me."
Nearing his room, he slipped arm free from Cuddy and pushed the door open. He held it open for Cuddy and felt like he could finally relax once the door shut, closing out the rest of the ward. He turned around and limped into the room, lifting his cane to toss it over onto his bed. Then he approached Cuddy and drew her to him, wrapping his arms around her shoulders to cuddle her close.
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One session wasn't enough for her to get a complete picure of Megan but she had a good feeling from what she had seen. House would dislike any therapist on principle but Megan seemed to be a good match for him. She wasn't bothered or intimidated by his bullshit. She wasn't distracted by it either. She kept on task no matter what he said, which was probably one of the reasons he kept calling her Dr. Lector. She kept slicing away at his psyche no matter how much he resisted.
He hadn't said anything truly horrible about her, though, so Cuddy suspected he actually understood she was helping him, maybe even respected her a little for it. That was actually a good sign, too. If he was opening himself up enough to accept her help, that was a sign of progress.
Cuddy reached for House as he approached her, hugging him close and resting her head against his chest for a moment. She glanced up at him, then. "Are you really okay with continuing with Megan as an outpatient? She seems pretty competent to me but she'll be your therapist. What I think doesn't really matter. You have to be happy with her."
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"Of course I'm not okay with it," he retorted. "I'd much rather just be over and done with everything once I get out of here."
He reluctantly supposed that having Megan intervene today had been a good thing. He'd said things he hadn't counted on admitting and had heard things from Cuddy he hadn't expected to hear. Megan had forced him to stop and think about some things, though. He wanted to resent her for that because he hated anybody interfering with his thoughts or his mind. But he had to admit that her input helped him to communicate to Cuddy. And he was still glad to hear he'd made progress, even if he himself couldn't see it or even feel it.
He shrugged, running his hands down Cuddy's arms. "I want everything to be fixed and back to normal by the time I get out of here," he said quietly, "and I thought when I first came in here that would happen. But... I've been here a couple of weeks now and I can see it's not going to be as simple as that."
The truth was he was at the very least glad he wasn't going to have to see another therapist once he got out of here. Building relationships was hard enough for him, let alone with a doctor who was trained at picking his brain. He was still incredibly wary of Megan and probably would be for a long time coming, perhaps for the entire duration of his treatment. But he'd rather continue seeing someone he'd already established some kind of foundation with than be palmed off to a new doctor where new foundations had to be laid all over again.
"You honestly think I'm going to be happy with any therapist?" he pointed out. "She gets on my nerves but I guess she'll have to do." Which was his way of saying that, no, he wasn't happy about having to continue therapy for however long he was going to need therapy for but he was as happy as he was going to get with Megan.
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She slipped her hands up to either side of his face, pulling him down for a soft kiss. "I'm glad you're going to continue with outpatient treatment," she murmured, giving him another quick, playful kiss. It was a relief to know he'd have that kind of support when he got discharged. She was too close; she didn't always see what was going on with him. It was going to be good for both of them to know he had another source of support.
"What really makes me glad, though, is knowing you'll be home soon. I know nothing's definite but it's enough to know it's likely." She settled back on her heels and looked up at him, a slightly evil grin on her face.
"I mean, you should be home in plenty of time to take over some of the household chores for me. Rub my feet. Fetch me ice cream in the middle of the night." She let out a soft laugh and leaned into him again in a hug. "Oh, and there's that whole suffering through hours of labor thing I know you're looking forward to."
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"I'm not," he replied in between another kiss. He really wasn't all that keen on the idea of having to continue therapy, having to be constantly reminded of all of this, for however long therapy with Megan ended up persisting. He knew he had to, though. He had to for Cuddy and for their kid. And he had to for him, too.
He pulled back a little as Cuddy said about having him home. He rolled his eyes as she went on to explain all the chores he'd be put up to doing. "I knew that evil smirk of yours spelled something ominous," he said. He wrapped his arms around her again and cuddled her close, not wanting to let her go.
"Funnily enough, I think I prefer the idea of suffering through hours of labour with you than suffering through months of therapy." Still holding her close, he pulled back again so he could look down at her. "That's not to say I'm looking forward to it, though."
He thought about that for a moment. "Well... maybe I am a little." He lifted a hand and held his forefinger and thumb close together to demonstrate just how 'little' he was looking forward to suffering through hours of labour with Cuddy. He lowered his hand back to her waist again. "At the very least, I'll finally get to see what this kid looks like and I'll be able to point out how bald and angry-looking the kid is... and how much the kid therefore takes after me."
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"You're not bald...yet," she said, reaching up to ruffle his hair playfully. "And I already know this kid takes after you. Like I said before--Junior's up all night and lazy all day, just like his daddy."
She was extremely curious to see who this kid would take after. Not just physically. Obviously she was curious about what Junior would look like as he grew but she was far more curious about what his personality would be. Stubborn was a given but what else? Would he or she be a daredevil like House or have more of her cautious nature? Would he be ruthlessly honest or be more politically correct?
Some of Junior's personality would be determined by the way she and House raised him, of course. Some aspects of personality were hard-wired but how those aspects were expressed would be molded by what he learned from his parents. She wasn't sure which was the scarier notion--that Junior would be hardwired to be like one of them or that he'd be influenced by what he saw his crazy parents do.
She had a good idea of what scared House, though, and that was having a girly-girl. "Once Emma gets past the bald, angry stage, she's just as likely to take after me." She grinned. "I'm really looking forward to all the blackmail potential--you playing with dolls, learning how to curl her hair, singing along with the latest boy band." She burst out with a quick laugh. "What's more--you're going to secretly love every minute of it."
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In truth, he wasn't sure that kind of kid would get along all that well with him, either. Though, he couldn't be certain. If there was anything in the world he was clueless about, parenthood was it. There was basic common sense, of course. But knowing what to expect, knowing how to do things right, knowing if he'd be cut out for this - that was all the unknown.
He gave a pained roll of his eyes as Cuddy predicted how their daughter - if the kid was indeed a girl - was going to be. "Are you trying to scare me off? Because it's not going to work."
He didn't have a clue what he'd do if the kid was a girl, especially if she turned out to be a real girly-girl, like Cuddy was describing. He probably would find him roped into playing with dolls, tea parties, dress ups, whatever the hell girls got up to. He'd never grown up around any girls and didn't really have much of a clue about what girls were like or into, apart from the obvious - dolls, Barbies, princesses, the colour pink...
"Once Nathan gets past the bald, angry stage, he's just as like to take after me," he countered. "Bringing in bugs from the backyard to show you, climbing up on the roof just to see if he can do it, pretending he's a character from his favourite superhero cartoon by riding on a beanbag down a flight stairs at your parents' house, pinning up pictures of topless women in his room when he's a teenager." He gave her a 'so there' look. "And you're not-so-secretly going to hate every moment of it."
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"I can handle boy stuff...as long as it's not dangerous," she insisted. Bugs, rough-housing, crazy stunts: she could handle that stuff. That wasn't to say she wouldn't try to stop it if it got out of hand but she certainly wasn't afraid of little boys. The only real concern she had about raising a boy was that they tended to be more reckless. Or maybe they were just more dramatic about their recklessness. Either way they did have a tendency to be injured more frequently than girls and that's the one thing she did fear--seeing her child hurt.
"Have you considered the possibility that Nathan might take after me? Or that Emma might take after you?" Cuddy asked, one eyebrow arched as she looked up at him. Heaven only knew what random combination of physical and psychological traits this kid was going to inherit. It was fun to think about but kind of pointless at the same time. Junior would be whoever he or she was going to be and the best thing Cuddy could do was try to keep an open mind.
"Whatever this kid's going to be like, it'll be ours and we'll love it," she said, snuggling back up to him and resting her head against his chest. "Honestly, right now I'm just trying to focus on getting through the next month. And then the delivery. I'll worry about the rest later."
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He had considered the possibility to some degree. Not that their son would be a girly-girl but that their son could take after Cuddy, or their daughter could take after him. Though, their kid could end up taking after someone else entirely in his or Cuddy's family, too. There was no way of telling until the kid was out and had time to develop a personality of its own.
As Cuddy cuddled back up to him, he wrapped his arms around her, one hand rubbing her back. "Even if it does come out with horns and a forked tail? Then we'll know the kid definitely takes after you," he teased.
He smiled slightly to himself. He'd missed this. He'd missed having playful arguments with Cuddy over things like what they were 'arguing' about now. They'd had a lot of big, ugly arguments about this kid, but there'd been plenty of times they'd teased each other good naturedly about it, too.
He tightened his arms around her to cuddle her closer, trying to wring every moment he had left with Cuddy before she had to leave. It was awkward to really cuddle her as close as he wanted to because of her belly. He rubbed her back a little firmer, both hands running up and down it, and then locked his arms around her.
"I'm going to make it a goal to be out of here before our kid's born," he murmured. "I don't want to miss out on anything."
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She wouldn't be surprised if they didn't have moments in the future when they questioned Junior's origin. Any child of theirs was likely to be stubborn, independent, and challenging. Any child could be challenging--it seemed to be the nature of kids, especially once they hit puberty. Their child was likely to take that to the limit. She fully intended to blame House for any trouble this kid gave them.
Of course, it might be just as likely the kid would think his parents were the 'evil' ones. Junior could end up being a perfectly sweet-natured kid who'd wonder how he ended up with two such crazy people for his parents. Cuddy couldn't really blame him if he did. However, she intended to blame House for that as well.
It wasn't as easy to hug him now with Junior always between them but it still felt good. It felt especially good when he rubbed her back. Even when her back wasn't acutely aching, she still felt some strain there. The firm pressure of his hands eased that strain, at least temporarily.
"We'll be waiting for you," she said quietly when he swore he was going to work at being home soon. She knew he was capable of accomplishing his goal. As long as he kept working with Megan, she was sure he could make enough progress to allow him to come home. He wouldn't be cured, of course, but he'd be on the road to recovery. That would be good enough...as long he continued to work at his recovery after he came home.
She slipped her arm from around his waist and glanced down at her watch. "I really have to go," she said reluctantly. Instead of pulling away, though, she held onto him and turned her face up for a kiss. Even though she felt more hopeful after this visit, it was still difficult to think about leaving him behind.
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His disappointment at the news she had to leave reflected in his sigh. He nodded slightly as she turned her face up to him, then bent his head to meet her lips. He exchanged a series of light, tender kisses with her before he tightened his arms around her as the kiss deepened.
He sucked softly on her lower lip and gently stroked his tongue against hers. He ran his hands down her back and up again and as he sucked on her top lip, he wrapped his arms around her once more to hold her close.
The kiss tapered off into more light, tender kisses until he pulled away to rest his cheek next to hers while still holding her in a tight hug. "I miss you," he whispered.
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