cuddys_house | Afternoon, Thursday, 26 April

Afternoon, Thursday, 26 April

Cuddy pulled into a parking space as close to the entrance of Mayfield Hospital as she could find. She'd made the drive by herself this time. Wilson had protested, of course--he really did take his white knight delusion seriously--but she'd insisted. She was perfectly fine. Junior was happily incubating away and showed no signs of popping out any time soon. She knew that could change in a heartbeat but she didn't intend to spend the remaining days until the baby's birth staying at home because she might go into labor at any moment. She'd be fine, and as long as Dr. Patil remained ignorant about all her 'traveling,' everyone would be happy.

She hadn't actually planned on being back at the hospital just yet. Between her obligations at work and the fact House had his own obligations as far as therapy sessions went, she hadn't planned on visiting on weekdays. However, House's doctor had called on Monday and asked if she'd be willing to join one of his one on one sessions with her. Well, what could she say to that? Of course she'd do it if his doctor thought it would be helpful. It's not like they were asking her to donate a vital organ or something. All she had to do was talk.

She couldn't help being a little nervous, though, because she didn't know what to expect. She hoped the doctor would be able to give her some guidance on how she should deal with House's issues. She'd really, really like to have some guidance on that because she clearly didn't know what to do. But she didn't have any experience with psychiatrists from the perspective of a patient, or loved one of a patient, so she was a bit in the dark as to what would happen in this session.

She pulled herself out of the car, which wasn't all that easy when she had to extricate herself from the seatbelt and squeeze Junior out from behind the steering wheel. She retrieved a small tote bag from the back seat before heading to the entrance. She'd gathered up the things House had asked for, thinking the sooner he got them, the sooner he might feel a little more at ease. Of course, once she got inside, she had to let them search the bag to make sure she wasn't bringing in anything he wasn't allowed to have. She'd been careful about her choices, though, so it didn't take too long before one of the orderlies was taking her into the ward.

She'd arrived a bit early because she wanted to make sure she'd have a few moments with House before the therapy session. She wanted to be able to give him his things and maybe steal a hug or a kiss. She still felt guilty remembering how despondant he'd looked when she'd left on Saturday. She knew this was the best place for him but boy, it was hard to think about him feeling so lonely and lost.

The orderly got all chivalrous on her and carried the bag down the hall to House's room. He gave a sharp rap on House's door. "Vistor for you, Greg." Then he handed the bag to her and smiled before he walked away. "Have a nice visit, ma'am."

"Thanks." Cuddy turned the doorknob and opened the door just a little. She didn't want to intrude if he wasn't quite ready for a visitor. "House, are you decent?" she asked just as she poked her head in.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Though it seemed like House wasn't listening to what Cuddy was saying, he actually was. He studied the painting up on the office wall that he studied every time he was in this office, his leg still jiggling up and down while he rested his elbow on the chair's armrest and had his chin propped on his knuckles. Not for the first time, as he listened to Cuddy, he got that same weird forgotten feeling, reminded all over again that she and everyone else got on with their lives without him around. He didn't really have the luxury of being busy to distract himself with - almost every minute of every day he was aware of where he was and why.

"Absolutely," Megan agreed, nodding at what Cuddy was saying. "It must be very hard for you, especially considering the circumstances--" she gestured to Cuddy's belly "--but you're right. Greg is safe here and he's getting the help he needs.

"And Greg and I have worked out a plan about his stay here," she continued. "We've talked a bit about what he wants to achieve in here and where to go from here when he's ready to leave. The plan that's in place is that he'll be here until he's settled on his medication, until we've got the nightmares under control and his mood picks up. As well as working here, I have a private practice about fifteen minutes out of Princeton; once I feel Greg's ready to leave, he'll be under my care with ongoing weekly therapy sessions at my practice."

Not wanting to get too sidetracked, Megan turned to House. "And you're happy with that, aren't you, Greg?" She waited for him to acknowledge her and when he nodded, she continued. "I take it you listened to what Lisa had to say. How do you feel about what she said?"

House looked at her and made a shrugging motion with his hands. "What am I supposed to feel? Happy?"

Megan fixed him with a bland smile, silently communicating to him that she wasn't going to tolerate his bullcrap. "This will go in everyone's favour, including yours, if you contribute to this session."

"I am contributing."

"Contribute constructively. If you don't want to contribute constructively, then tell me why you're choosing not to."

Sometimes, House really hated Megan. He drew in a deep breath and looked away as he exhaled. "What am I supposed to feel?" he said again, in a relenting tone this time. He looked back to Megan. "Glad that Cuddy's supportive? Sure. I'm glad she's supportive. But I'm in here. I'm not particularly happy that Cuddy's got to see me in here. I'm not at all happy that I might still be in here when my kid is born. How's that for an introduction to fatherhood? Locked up in a mental asylum while my girlfriend gives birth to our kid and has to keep on 'coping' and pretending she's perfectly okay with me being in here."

He looked away. All of that had come out in a rush, his tone getting more worked up with each word. Megan regarded him silently for a moment and then she turned to Cuddy. "Lisa, what are you hearing Greg say?"

Cuddy nodded as Megan laid out the plan for House's therapy. She was pleased first of all that the goals for his hospitalization were reasonable. They weren't going to try and 'fix' everything before he could be discharge, which Cuddy knew was impossible. They were simply going to try and get him stabilized so he could proceed with his therapy and his life. She was also relieved they'd already established a plan for continuing his treatment after he went home and that House, apparently, had agreed to it. That made her feel better about the whole situation.

Of course, how cooperative House would be remained to be seen, because he certainly didn't seem very willing to participate at the moment. Megan was having to drag responses out of him. That only reinforced the fact he needed a therapist. Megan seemed to have the patience and persistance to deal with his uncooperative attitude. Cuddy hated to admit it but knew she wouldn't have that kind of patience.

"Yes." She thought it was obvious she'd been listening to House, but Megan seemed to want more of a response. Was she supposed to be hearing some hidden message? Cuddy thought House's response had been pretty straightforward. Maybe she was supposed to do that active listening thing to prove she'd not only heard, but understood.

"He's upset about being here." She hesistated, thinking back to some of their conversation on the previous Saturday, and amended her statement slightly. "He's ashamed of being here. He thinks he's failed, that he's letting me down, and the baby." She turned her head to face House directly. "I've already told him I don't think he has any reason to be ashamed. I don't see this as a failure. Yes, it's happening at a bad time with the baby just weeks away, but we'll manage." She looked back at Megan again. "It's not like there's a 'good' time for something like this."

When Cuddy turned her attention on House as she spoke, Megan stole the opportunity to observe him as well. Though it was brief, he looked directly back at Cuddy, a non-verbal sign that he was at least listening. She nodded in agreement when Cuddy returned her attention to her. "No, there's definitely no 'good' time for something like this, but it's a good thing that Greg recognised he needs help and decided to take the step to be here."

Then she explained, "The reason I asked you is because it's important that Greg hears it coming from you and not just me. It's very easy, and quite typical, for a patient to feel disconnected from their loved ones while in hospital, doesn't matter how often their loved ones visit. And that's part of the reason why I wanted you to come in today because therapy is about open communication, which is extremely important in the recovery process. And also, therapy is about bridging a gap - or many gaps - in a patient's mental wellbeing and it's important that Greg is reminded that you're with him every step of the way."

House rolled his eyes to himself. It bugged him how Megan could pinpoint certain things about him with accuracy. He didn't like acknowledging that she was right, which landed him in a fair few confrontations with her. She was the no-bullshit kind of therapist who was also annoyingly polite; the combination got on his nerves at times, especially when Megan didn't let him get away with anything.

"Greg, how do you feel about what Lisa just said?" Megan asked.

House looked at Megan, then at Cuddy. He shrugged. "Good, I guess," he replied. "At least someone doesn't think I'm a failure."

"Who else do you think would?"

House could think of a couple of people. But he answered, "What other people think isn't the point."

"Then what is the point?" Megan asked patiently. She waited for an answer and when he didn't say anything, she prompted, "Is that what you think of yourself?"

"No," he replied sarcastically. "I think I'm awesome."

Megan just nodded. Over the past couple of weeks of therapy with him, she'd learned that House was the kind of person whose answers had to be decoded through his deflections. But that meant it took extra effort to drag the honest truth out of him. She thought about asking him why he didn't believe Lisa but it was clear he was being uncooperative. She decided to try a different approach.

"Lisa," she said, turning back to Cuddy. "I've gotten to know Greg over the past couple of weeks but I'm interested to know how you see him. Tell me about Greg. Who is he to you? What do you love about him?"

Cuddy murmured her agreement when Megan said there were things House needed to hear from her. She knew instinctively that was true. In fact, there were a lot of things he needed to hear. The problem was, she wasn't sure he listened. Rather, he listened but he didn't believe. She'd certainly told him enough times that having a mental disorder was not shameful or a weakness, yet he still obviously felt that way. Even now, he didn't sound convinced after she'd said it again. She really hoped Megan knew how to break through to him because Cuddy felt she was just banging her head against a brick wall.

Her eyebrows shot up when Megan turned to her with a couple of new questions. "Well, you don't waste any time throwing me in the deep end," she said. Fair enough, she supposed. This is what House had to deal with every day and if she was going to participate in his therapy, then she had be willing to talk openly. She just hadn't expected to dive right into deeply personal issues.

"Well...." She honestly wasn't trying to stall. She needed a few moments to figure out how to sum him up in a few words. Or even a lot of words. Describing any person and their place in her life would be difficult; describing House was about as easy as understanding quantum physics.

"What he is to me is...a huge pain in the ass. For twenty years, he's been a pain in my ass." She looked at House with an apologetic shrug. Then she looked back at Megan, leaning forward in her chair as much as Junior would allow. "That's not all he is, of course, but in the interest of honesty, it has to be said that he is the most frustrating person I've ever had to deal with. And I'm fairly certain he'd say the same about me."

She leaned back, rubbing her hands over her belly. "The crazy thing is, sometimes I've needed someone to be a pain in my ass. House doesn't let me settle for mediocrity. Which is good but really annoying.

"As to what I love about him.... He has a lot of attractive qualities. He's incredibly intelligent. He's funny. He's creative. He's passionate about the things he believes in. And although most people never see it, he's capable of being very sweet and gentle." She hesitated, her hands stilling on her stomach. "If he weren't his own worst enemy, everyone would be able to see the things I see in him."

House hadn't been expecting the questions Megan asked, either. If she'd been trying to get him to snap to attention, she succeeded. They were the sorts of questions that made him want to squirm but he still couldn't help being very attentive as to what Cuddy had to say.

He glanced between Megan and Cuddy while Cuddy took a moment to form her answer, then snorted quietly when she said he was a pain in her ass. Well, he'd always known that. She could be a gigantic pain in his ass, too. Frustrating and stubborn and way too headstrong sometimes.

Megan nodded, listening but also agreeing with what Cuddy said about House being frustrating. It didn't affect her in the way it probably did Cuddy - it was her job to help get him on the road to recovery but ultimately, that road he took was up to him to walk on. If he didn't want to do the therapy, if he was determined to sabotage it and himself, there was little she could do except try and talk him through it.

She turned her gaze to House to watch his reaction once Cuddy had finished talking. He was looking at Cuddy, a more thoughtful expression on his face than he'd had a few moments ago. She returned her attention to Cuddy. "It's good to hear your thoughts on him. Hearing a partner's view on how they see their partner is always helpful for me as a therapist, as it paints a bit more of a rounded picture of who Greg is besides what he lets me see in therapy."

She would turn her focus back on Greg soon but for now she was interested in what Cuddy had to say, and also had hope that engaging Cuddy in open discussion might coax House into opening up, too. She uncrossed her legs and crossed them again the other way, and settled her hands on her lap. "So, you've told me a bit about who Greg is to you, what you see in him and you mentioned that Greg is his own worst enemy."

She paused to work out how to properly phrase the question. "What would you like to see Greg get out of therapy and being in Mayfield? What are some of the things that concern you about him as his partner?"

If Cuddy thought her answer would get her off the hook, maybe allow her sit back and listen for a while, she was clearly kidding herself. Megan came right back at her with what sounded like a simple question, but which required a complicated answer.

She shifted in her chair, trying to redistribute her weight--or rather, Junior's weight--more comfortably. God, she wished she could cross her legs normally like Megan was but the only way she could be truly comfortable was to spread her legs and sort of sprawl in the chair. That was tacky looking, though, and she hated looking tacky. So she tried to sit in a more 'ladylike' manner, sitting straight up with her knees together, even if the position meant she couldn't completely relax.

"That's a loaded question," she told Megan. If the therapist kept asking these kinds of questions, sooner or later Cuddy was going to say something House really didn't want to hear. She knew these were the kinds of questions that had to be asked but.... She gave House an assessing look. Well, so far he didn't seem too bothered. If anything, he seemed to have relaxed just a tiny bit now the focus had shifted to her.

"What I would like to see is.... I'd like to see him find some peace with himself." She stared directly at him as she spoke. She was a bit nervous with discussing these issues but at the same time, she wanted him to hear what she thought.

"As long as I've known House, he's always been at war with everyone and everything. But as I've gotten to know more about him these last months, I'm convinced the real war has always been with himself."

Her gaze faltered and she turned to look at Megan again. The idea of a House at peace with himself was appealing. It was also, she feared, not at all realistic. She couldn't imagine him ever letting his guard down that far but she hoped treatment would nudge him in that direction. Life would be easier for both of them if he didn't always feel at odds with the entire world.

"In more practical terms, I'd like him to learn better coping skills. He generally has very unhealthy ways of dealing with problems--like the Vicodin. That doesn't make the problem go away. It simply adds another problem and that only hurts him. And me," she admitted. "It hurts me. It hurts our chance at a future together. So yeah, definitely, that's what I'd like most--for him to learn some constructive coping skills."

Boy, Megan wasn't wasting any time, House thought to himself. Maybe he could get away with the entire session without really having any confronting questions directed at him for a change. He doubted that, though. Megan always had an intention in mind when asking questions and he knew it would come back to him sooner or later.

Though the attention was still on Cuddy, the attention was really on him as she answered Megan's question about what she hoped he'd get out of being in the hospital. He was back to fidgeting slightly, darting his eyes only fleetingly at Cuddy while she looked right at him. He got particularly uncomfortable when Cuddy raised the issue of the Vicodin and he didn't know where to look as she went on to say about how his way of dealing with issues hurt her.

"And that's definitely why he's in here. Or part of the reason, anyway," Megan agreed. "So Greg can learn strategies and coping skills which are beneficial to him and to those around him." She nodded and then laughed lightly to ease the mood a little. "You must feel like I'm bombarding you with questions," she added. "I understand this must be pretty full-on for you. But I want to try and address as many issues as we can in a single session. And in fact, if Greg's okay with it, I'll probably ask you to come back in for another session or two because there are a lot of things to cover. I won't even go into them now; I'll leave that to the end of this session, otherwise we'll get sidetracked."

She gave Cuddy a warm smile, then turned to House. "Would you be okay with having another session with Lisa a little down the track?"

House tensed slightly now that the attention had swung back to him. "Let's just get through this one first."

"Of course. We don't even need to discuss that this session if you don't want to. It's something we can talk about another day." She shifted in her chair. "What do you think about Lisa's thoughts on you being in here?"

"I think I've been enlightened," House replied sarcastically. Megan didn't react; she just watched him impassively, waiting for him to respond properly. He let out a relenting sigh and looked down to his lap. He was still jiggling his leg and he was twiddling his thumbs where his hands were resting on his thighs. "Cuddy is right," he conceded. He awkwardly drew in a deep breath and looked over at Megan. "I'm in here because... I thought I was coping."

"What made you realise you weren't?"

"We've been over this."

"I know we have. But I think it's important that you talk to Lisa about these things, too."

"She knows what made me realise I wasn't coping," he retorted.

"Does she?"

He stared at Megan, another stab of intense dislike for her burning in him. He didn't want to relive that Friday night she'd found him on the floor with the empty pill bottle. He didn't want to relive any of the moments in the past several months where he'd lost grip of himself. He sniffed and rubbed his nose. "I didn't want to become an addict again," he admitted reluctantly. "But I was slipping back into old habits."

"When did you realise you were starting to do that?"

pt.2... stupid LJ limits

"What, ending up in here isn't a good enough hint?"

"You made the decision to come here," Megan reminded him. "No one else made that decision for you."

He fidgeted his fingers together. He glanced at Cuddy, then looked away. "I knew all along. But I thought it was something I could manage on my own."

"Is that part of the reason why you feel like a failure for ending up in here? Because you thought your way of coping would work?"

"My way of coping never worked," he said, looking back to Megan. "But it helped me manage."

"So, you feel like a failure because you didn't feel you were managing," she surmised.

"If I was managing, I wouldn't be here."

She nodded. Then she gestured to Cuddy. "How does it feel to hear what Lisa had to say about you?"

He replied dryly, "That I'm a huge pain in her ass? I can't think of a bigger compliment."

"Does that remark bother you?"

"Why would it? She's a huge pain in my ass, too."

"She can't be that much of a pain in your ass if you're willing to have her here today," Megan said. "It was your decision to have her attend this session, not mine."

He looked over at Cuddy. He sniffed, his nose starting to run again, and turned his gaze away, Megan's remark unanswered. Megan decided the lull was a good point to bring Cuddy back into the conversation. She looked at her. "Is there anything you'd like to say to Greg at this point?"

"It's fine. That's what I'm here for," Cuddy said. She did feel a bit like she was under attack. Megan hadn't wasted any time hitting her with some probing questions. Cuddy knew there was nothing malicious about it, though. The doctor was simply asking the questions that needed to asked. Despite her discomfort, Cuddy could recognize and appreciate what she was doing. And next time, if she did return for more sessions, she'd be prepared.

She was relieved when Megan turned the focus, and the questions, on House. It gave her a chance to take a breath and organize her own thoughts a bit. Besides, he was the patient here. Ultimately he was the one who needed to understand his own feelings and behavior. Cuddy could talk until she was blue in the face--and had at times--but it wouldn't make any difference if he didn't look inside himself for answers.

Cuddy wanted to hear his answers as well. She knew some of what went on in his mind but not nearly all of it. She was disappointed to see he was being just as evasive with Megan as he was with her. He tried to deflect her questions and when he did answer, it was grudgingly and with as little information as he could manage.

She'd been watching him intently, trying to read his thoughts and feelings as he squirmed his way through Megan's questions. Having the conversation turned back to her took her off-guard...again. She shifted in her seat again, this time trying to get Junior's foot out from right under her rib cage.

Did she have anything she'd like to say? She had lots of things she'd like to say but it would take more than this one session to say it all. She tried to narrow it down to the most important issues.

"First, I hope 'pain in the ass' isn't the only thing he's heard me say today," she said finally, giving House a wry look. It's not like that was news. Hell, he took pride in being a pain in the ass. It wasn't a particularly important issue right now, though. If anything, it was merely a symptom of his deeper issues.

"I suppose the most important thing I'd like to tell him is to stop fighting the people who want to help him. He won't let me help him and that's understandable, I guess. I've probably caused as many problems as I could ever fix." Cuddy was looking down, her hands clasped tightly over her belly so she wouldn't fidget. It was difficult for her to admit she couldn't help. Even more difficult to admit she was responsible for some of his problems. She was trying to focus on the heart of the matter, though, and that wasn't about her. It was about House.

Without realizing it, she changed from speaking to Megan to directing her comments to House, lifting her eyes to look at him. "You're smart enough and stubborn enough to resist any attempts they make to help you get better. But what's the point in that? You made the decision to come here and get help. So please, let them help you."

Megan frowned slightly, listening to Cuddy talk. She was glad, however, when Cuddy turned her conversation towards House instead. That had been part of the point of this session, after all - not just for Megan to gauge the 'other side' of the story, so to speak, but for House to have a chance to have open conversation with Cuddy now that he was in therapy.

House frowned when Cuddy turned to him to talk. "I am letting them help me," he argued. "What, do you think I'm here to have fun? So I can have a vacation?"

"Greg," Megan quickly interjected. She'd learned over the last couple of weeks just how confrontational and argumentative House could get. The quickest way to diffuse him, she'd found, was to intervene before he got a chance to get too worked up. "I don't think what Lisa was implying was meant to be an attack. She was merely expressing a concern."

"But she's not here to see what I do or don't get up to in these sessions," he said, turning to Megan. "How would she know whether I'm letting you quacks help me or not?"

Megan gave a patient sigh. She was getting used to the different barbs House threw at her, not that she hadn't heard all kinds of insults in the past already. "Because she knows you. I doubt she'd make such a statement if there wasn't any truth to it."

House muttered under his breath and turned towards Megan's desk to swipe a tissue from the box to blow his nose. Megan waited until he'd finished doing so before she asked her next question. "I'm interested to know why you got so defensive at what Lisa said to you."

"Of course you are," he said under his breath, wiping his nose again.

"What is it about Lisa expressing concern for you that bothers you?"

"It doesn't bother me."

"You seemed pretty bothered just then," she pointed out.

"Because..." House let out an exasperated sigh. He looked down at the tissue in his hand. A moment later, he looked back up to Cuddy. "Because it bothers me that you doubt me," he said to Cuddy. "If I didn't want help, do you think I would stay here? Yes, I made the decision to come here. I also have made the decision to stay here. I even made the decision for you to be here today. This isn't going to happen overnight. I'm still trying to deal with the fact that I've hit the point that I need to be in here. I feel ashamed that I'm in here. I'm ashamed that I've hurt you. Us. Do you think I enjoy sitting around, discussing my failures and my flaws, and that I'm faced every single day with the fact that I'm here because of those failures and flaws?"

Cuddy was relieved when Megan intervened. It would be so easy for she and House to fall into an argument with him getting defensive and attacking her in retaliation and then she'd get angry and round and round they'd go. It would snowball out of control in very short order. Having Megan as a referee meant the process got stopped before it got out of control. It also gave a Cuddy a moment to think before she responded.

"You did make the choice to commit yourself and I know that wasn't easy," she said, not waiting for Megan to direct the conversation. Cuddy didn't know if that was breaking some kind of therapy rule but she wanted to respond to what House had said before the conversation could get sidetracked.

"I'm glad you made that decision. I'm proud of you for facing up to the situation and trying to do something about it. And I don't doubt you about that," she said earnestly. She leaned forward again, hands braced on her knees as she got closer to him.

"But I'm sitting here and I'm watching you do what you always do--being sarcastic, deflecting questions, even calling Megan a quack. To me that looks like you're still resisting help. Maybe I am expecting too much, too soon. I know it's up to your doctor to determine if you're making progress but...." She hesitated, letting out shaky breath and sagging back slightly in her chair. "You know I'm afraid of losing you. I'm scared to death of the damage you can do yourself." She raised her hand to her forehead and rubbed at the tension she felt settling in. "I need to believe this is going to work."

House watched Cuddy with a hard expression. His heart was thumping a little faster and his throat felt a little tighter, and he was determined to hold back whatever was building inside him. But as Cuddy explained herself and explained what she was thinking, his expression faltered. He swallowed thickly and looked down as she sat back with a shaky sigh. He was silent by the time Cuddy finished talking.

Megan was looking between Cuddy and House the whole time and she observed the change in House's composure. She waited for him to respond. "Greg?" she prompted. "What do you think about what Lisa just said?"

He still stayed silent for a few moments. He was trying to sort through his thoughts but it was hard when the feeling inside him was slowly building in pressure, making his throat feel even tighter and his chest to feel constricted.

"Greg?" Megan prompted again gently.

He looked at her, then at Cuddy. "I'm trying to believe this will work, too," he said. "I know what I'm like. The reason I chose to come here is because I know what I'm like."

Megan waited again for House to continue. When he didn't, she asked, "And what are you like, Greg?"

"Destructive," he snapped at Megan. "Miserable. Stubborn. I push people away. I'll do everything it takes to shut people out."

"Even someone you love?"

"I've done it once before. Pushed someone I loved away until she left me."

Megan nodded. "Are you afraid you'll do the same to Lisa?"

"I already have," he replied sharply, his voice a little louder.

"Why do you think that?"

He gestured to Cuddy with an anguished throw of his hand. "Do you think she'd be telling me she's scared to death of losing me if she didn't already feel like I was pushing her away? She doesn't even believe this is going to work, that me being in here is going to work."

"It sounds like you don't believe that, either," she pointed out. "If you don't have faith that you can pull through this, why should Lisa believe you when you tell her not to doubt you?"

House stared at Megan. He tried to think of an answer but he realised she'd led him right into a dead end. He licked his lips and looked down, then shook his head. "I don't know," he murmured.

Megan leaned forward. She stretched a hand out and laid it on his knee to get him to look at her. When he did, she drew her hand away again. "You may not like hearing this but Lisa is right. The only enemy you have is yourself. I'm not your enemy; I'm on your side. Lisa is on your side, too. Have you thought that maybe the reason she tells you these things isn't because she's doubting you, but because she's on your side?"

She nodded towards Cuddy. "In fact, it sounds to me like Lisa has a lot of faith in you. I'm pretty sure that if she didn't have faith in you, she wouldn't be sitting here, telling you that she's afraid of losing you."

"How is that faith?" House shot back.

"It's faith, Greg, because she hasn't given up on you." She looked over at Cuddy with a prompting look, giving Cuddy the chance to voice anything she might want to say.

Cuddy's chest tightened when he mentioned Stacy. Stacy was certainly a vivid illustration of how effective he could be at alienating people. It had taken a lot to make Stacy leave him but he'd done it. He'd destroyed his own happiness, crushed his own heart in the process but he'd succeeded. Cuddy wasn't sure what he thought he was accomplishing by doing it but his success had only seemed to strengthen his resolve to keep people at arm's length.

He hadn't pushed Cuddy away yet but he'd come damn close. She didn't know what her limit was, how far he'd have to push her to make her finally leave. That night at the bed and breakfast had obviously hit the wrong note with her. She had put up with a lot from him but returning to drug abuse and everything that entailed--that was too much. That was a point at which she had to separate herself in order to save herself and the baby. And yet, here she was sitting in on his session in a psychiatric hospital. If that didn't show some kind of faith, she didn't know what would.

"How many years have I protected you?" she asked him when Megan silently prompted her to speak. "It's been a long time. I've protected you from patients, lawyers, other doctors. Of course, I was really protecting you from yourself because you were the one creating the problems with all those other people but still, I've done my best to keep you doing what you love to do."

She gripped the arms of her chair nervously, wondering if she could make him understand she didn't ever want to lose faith in him. She didn't want to leave him. But he had to have a little faith in her for that to happen.

"I did all that because I didn't want to see you self-destruct. I didn't get anything out of it for myself." She paused to bite at her lip, looking at him before she plowed ahead. "Do you really think I'm going to leave now? I'm in love with you. We're having a baby together. I have far more reasons to fight for you now than I ever had before.

"I'm doing my best to believe this will work. I need you to believe in me, too. I'd like you to have a little faith in me when I tell you I'm willing to do whatever I can for you and for us."

Megan let Cuddy speak, moving her gaze between her and House. When she'd finished talking, Megan waited for House's response, if he had one. Again, she had to prompt him. "How do you feel about what Lisa said? Do you feel what she's saying is at all unreasonable?"

He slowly shook his head.

"Do you believe Lisa when she says she's willing to do whatever she can for you?"

He hesitated, then nodded.

"Tell me about that. Why do you believe her when she says that?"

He turned to Megan. "What, you're saying I'm not telling the truth?" he asked defensively.

She held her hand up. "No. That's not what I'm saying. I'm simply trying to guide the conversation."

House sighed. He lifted a hand and rubbed his chin and his forehead. That tight feeling was still squeezing at his chest. Part of him wanted to simply get up and leave the room. Part of him wanted to get up and approach Cuddy and pull her close to him because he didn't know how to convey how he was feeling or thinking.

"I believe her because--"

"Don't talk to me about this," Megan interrupted. "Tell Lisa. She needs to hear it more than I do."

He looked over at Cuddy. He jiggled his leg and fidgeted his hands together before he sat a little straighter. "I know you're willing to do whatever you can for me. For us. I know this because... you've stuck by me much longer than I deserve. That either means you're very stupid... or it means you love me deeply."

"Why would her sticking by you be stupid, Greg?" Megan asked.

"Because... I've lost count how many times I've hurt her," he admitted to Megan. "Why would someone stick around someone who hurts them all the time?"

Megan glanced at Cuddy, then back to House. "Greg, did you listen to what Lisa said about you earlier? About the things she loves about you?"

"Yeah. Said I was a pain in the ass."

"She said more than that, too," she replied pointedly. "She told me a number of good things about you. She said you're funny, passionate, creative, loving." House wanted to squirm. He clasped his hands together tightly on his lap. "Do you really think she'd say all those things about you if she didn't love you?"

"I know she loves me," he argued.

"Then why did you focus on the one negative thing she said about you? That you're, as she said, a pain in the ass?" She waited for him to respond, then prompted, "Is it because you have a hard time believing there are good things about yourself?"

"Of course I have a hard time believing it," he snapped at her. "I don't even like myself. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate..." He looked away with a slightly shaky sigh.

Cuddy was starting to feel torn about this whole therapist thing. She wanted to talk to House without waiting for Megan to interpret and direct the conversation. She didn't even like the way Megan reworded the things she said and presented them to House. She felt like she was capable of making her own case without some stranger stepping in.

Yet at the same time she understood what Megan was doing and recognized that ultimately it was going to be helpful. She recognized Megan was not allowing House to deflect. She kept him on task in a firm manner but she didn't become emotionally involved. Cuddy knew that was necessary. Neither she nor House could be objective on sensitive topics. They needed a dispassionate guide.

She let out a frustrated sigh when House said she stuck by him because she was stupid. Of course, he'd say that. He seemed to believe it was impossible for anyone to want to be with him, no matter how much evidence there was to the contrary. Sure, he also said it was possible she loved him but she'd been with him long enough by now to know he wouldn't accept it was unconditional love, or as close to it as humans were capable of.

"House," she called softly when he said he hated himself. "Please don't say that." Instinctively she reached for him. She had to scoot her ass to the edge of the chair and lean forward, squishing Junior, just to place her hands on his knees but she needed to have physical contact with him.

She threw Megan a pleading look because she didn't know how to convince House he was worth loving. She'd tried before and he never seemed to fully believe it. She pressed on without waiting for Megan, though, because she also felt like House needed to hear it from her even if he didn't believe it.

"I love you, and I'm not stupid." Her fingers clutched into the fabric of his pants, a film of tears in her eyes as she looked at him. "That means there's something about you worth loving. If you can't believe anything else I say, you need to believe that."

Megan uncrossed her legs and crossed them the other way and was about to interject when Cuddy leaned forward to touch House's knee. She decided to remain silent for the moment, to let Cuddy say whatever she needed to say. She'd already worked out that House had a low self-esteem. Bravado didn't fool her. Getting him to admit what he really thought of himself was a real challenge, however. Getting him to really admit anything with any sincerity was a real challenge.

"Move your chair closer if you want to," she offered to Cuddy, noting the way she was stretching over her belly in order to reach House. She otherwise didn't interrupt for a few moments in case House had anything he wanted to say. Eventually, though, she broke the silence.

"Greg," she said gently, "that's why I'm here to help you. So you can learn to see yourself in a more positive way. You've gone through a lot of trauma. You've experienced a lot of hardships. I think you're a lot harder on yourself than you realise. But we're going to work on that together. It'll take time but if you're willing to put in the effort, then maybe you'll be able to see some of the things that Lisa here sees in you."

House felt like a part of him had been ripped open. He couldn't look at either Megan or Cuddy. Hearing the words he'd voiced aloud was almost as difficult as admitting he was an addict. He hated the way he hated himself. He got so frustrated with his own self-defeat. He never knew how to break the cycle, though. He impulsively slid his hand onto Cuddy's where it was still resting on his knee, and gripped it tight.

"I am willing to put in the effort," he replied. He wasn't really sure if he was replying to Megan or reassuring Cuddy. Maybe it was both. "That's why I'm here. That's why I chose to come here. I don't want to be like this anymore."

"Greg," Megan said. "Picture yourself in a year's time. What would you like to see? Don't tell me what you think you will see. Tell me what you'd like to see."

He squeezed Cuddy's hand and anxiously rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. "I'll probably still be stuck in therapy--"

"No," Megan quickly interrupted. "Tell me where you'd like to be in a year's time. Tell Lisa where you'd like to be in a year's time."

"What's the point in hypothetical thinking?" he shot back.

"The point in hypothetical thinking in this case is goals," Megan replied. "You don't just need a goal for therapy. You need a goal for your future with Lisa. With your new family. Having goals is the only way you move forward."

He sighed. He could barely think past what he'd just admitted a few moments ago to even think into the future. He closed his eyes and tried to shove the feelings welling in him back down to where they belonged, then opened his eyes again to look at Cuddy.

"We'd still be together in a year's time," he began in a low voice. "I'd be a good dad. I'd want to look at my kid and know that I'm a good dad. I'd want to be able to look at you and know that I'm good to you, that I deserve you." He looked down at their joined hands. "I wouldn't feel like I was drowning, like... there's no way out. I'm sick of feeling like there's no way out."

Cuddy kept one hand firmly on House's leg while she reached back with the other to tug the chair forward. When she could reach him easily and not feel like she was bridging a chasm, she remained silent while Megan took over.

The real chasm that had to be bridged was the psychological one between them. Between House and anyone, really. Because of her own experiences with her family and friends, Cuddy firmly believed having others you could rely on made any problem easier to handle. House had spent so much time isolating himself, he had no one to lean on. Even with her, or Wilson--two people who were more than willing to help, he held back. Whether that was because he didn't trust them or because he didn't trust himself, she still wasn't sure.

"This is your way out, House." Cuddy turned her hand so she grasp his, holding it tightly to try to communicate to him she didn't intend to let him go in any sense. "I know you feel like you're trapped right now but therapy and medication and even hospitalization--those are the tools to help you get your head above water."

She glanced down at their hands, then looked up at him again, looking directly into his eyes. "A year from now, maybe you'll still need therapy or meds. That doesn't matter--you'll still have made a year's progress from where you are now. We'll have had a year together. We'll have had a year to watch our kid grow." She gave him a small smile. "You'll probably be teaching him to fingerpaint on the walls and to spit out his peas because they're yucky and I'll want to wring your neck. And I can't wait for all of that to happen."

"I know," he replied shortly. "I know." He wasn't getting short with Cuddy so much as he was panicking a little because the constricting feeling in his chest was tightening even more and clawing its way up his throat. He wanted to put a stop to the conversation so he could get himself under control.

He glanced at Megan and not for the first time hated her and wished she'd at least stop looking at him. But when he looked back at Cuddy and she was telling him where she hoped they'd both be in a year's time, he gave her hand another squeeze.

"That's why I'm in here," he murmured to her. "Because I want that, too. I want to get past this ptsd, put all of that behind me. Cope better. Be a dad our kid would be proud of. And I know none of that's going to happen if I kept - keep - going the way I am."

Megan stayed silent while watching the emotional exchange between House and Cuddy. In some ways, she was learning more about him in this session than she'd learned in the last couple of weeks. House had definitely opened up more in this session than he had in previous ones, and that was probably due to the fact that Cuddy was there. She was a person he had an emotional connection to.

She decided this might be a good point to interrupt with a question she had. "Greg," she asked quietly, "did you do what I asked you to do in yesterday's session?" He gave a single nod. "Do you want to give it to her now? Now seems to be an appropriate time."

House looked at Megan. He thought about her question for a moment, then slipped his hand free from Cuddy's and sat back to reach into his pocket. He produced the folded up pieces of paper he'd retrieved from his drawer before coming to the session and held it out for Cuddy to take.

"Read it... whenever (http://community.livejournal.com/cuddys_house/19578.html)," he told her. "Now, later..." He shrugged.

Edited 2009-08-04 01:44 (UTC)

Cuddy glanced at Megan, a puzzled frown on her face, wondering what House would have to give her. She'd noticed him taking some papers from his room. She'd assumed it was some kind of 'homework.' Maybe he was required to keep a journal to keep track of his PTSD symptoms or to write down his thoughts about an assigned subject or to list his goals. Writing was a frequently used tool in therapy and she hadn't asked about it because she assumed it was meant to be private.

She stared at the folded papers in her hand after House gave them to her. "I think I'd like to read it now," she said, glancing over at Megan to make sure it was okay. "And I need to walk a bit, if that's okay."

She did need to get up and move around but not so badly she couldn't have stayed in her seat if necessary. Truth was, she wanted to read House's message, whatever it might be, without the two of them staring at her. They could stare at her as she took a slow turn around the room, of course, but she wasn't quite so aware of it. She could ignore them for the moment and focus on what House had written.

She read through his letter once, then she went right back to the beginning to read it again. It was strange to read his words rather than hearing them. It was strange to see his thoughts laid out so calmly and concisely. His personality came through clearly, though. It seemed nothing, not being in the nuthouse, not the meds, could stop House from being House. And that was reassuring.

"First of all," she said, returning to her chair, the pages of the letter held firmly in her hand. "I so do not snore."

She gave him a little wink, then proceeded more seriously. He wasn't the only who hoped things would be different, better, when he came home. She knew treating some of his issues wasn't going to fix everything between them but she hoped if he were in a better place, emotionally speaking, it would be easier for them deal with their problems in a more productive, and less noisy, fashion. It certainly couldn't hurt.

"You know, a lot of this is the way I feel, too. The part about not knowing exactly how to define our relationship, not knowing what's 'normal' for us. Nothing is what I expected, not the good stuff or the bad stuff. It's okay, though, because it's ours and it's special and it will never be boring." She smiled at him. "And I really love the way you make me laugh, too."

House had hoped Cuddy would opt to read the letter later. Sitting in the chair, wanting to squirm while she read his honest thoughts wasn't something he particularly wanted to do. But when she said she wanted to read it now, all he could do was offer a nod. Megan nodded, too, when Cuddy said she wanted to get up and walk. House laced his fingers together and rested his joined hands on his lap, restlessly jiggling his legs while Cuddy got up to read the letter.

The silence in the room that followed was awkward, to say the least. Megan was simply sitting in her chair, politely waiting for Cuddy to finish reading the letter. House, on the other hand, wasn't sure where to look and he turned his gaze around the room, anywhere but at Cuddy. He didn't know how she was going to react, he didn't know if she was going to be upset - in a good or bad way - and he didn't know how much more of this talking he could do this session without going out of his mind with unease.

At last, Cuddy returned to her seat. She didn't seem upset which was a good enough start. And her remark about not snorting actually made him snort. Her little wink put him a bit more at ease, too. But then she got down to business and... he was actually surprised at what Cuddy said. He'd been expecting her to disagree with him or tell him he was misinterpreting her, or for her to argue with him and tell him he wasn't being considerate of her feelings. For what felt like the first time, well, ever it seemed he and Cuddy were finally on the same page. He even managed a small smile when she said she loved the way he made her laugh, the first smile he'd managed to crack all day.

"How do you feel about Lisa's response to your letter?" Megan asked him while he sat there, unsure how to respond.

"Uh..." He thought about that for a second. "Relieved."

"Why relieved?"

"Because I was expecting Cuddy to chew my ass out."

"And instead...?" Megan prompted, wanting more of an answer from him.

"And instead, we're finally on the same page. That doesn't happen very often."

Megan nodded. "Greg, yesterday you were extremely reluctant, to put it lightly, about writing Lisa a letter. How did it feel to actually put those words down on paper?"

"Frustrating. I never know if I'm going to end up saying the wrong thing. I have a history of that happening."

"Just frustrating?"

He thought for a moment. "Cathartic, too, I guess. I hate writing letters but... it was good to say what I wanted to say without any interruptions. Well, apart from the other neurotics in the common room who insisted on watching Jeopardy!."

Megan nodded again, ignoring his remark about 'the other neurotics'. "Greg, you seem a little bit more at ease. Is that because of giving Lisa the letter? It must feel good to be understood and listened to."

He drew in a breath and gave a single nod.

Megan turned to Cuddy. "How about you? How did it feel to read Greg's thoughts?" She paused and then added, "How do you feel about maybe doing the same thing? Writing Greg a letter that tells him everything you want him to understand and listen to?"

"This is good," Cuddy said, giving the pages of the letter a little shake. "House doesn't like to talk, not about this kind of stuff. I'm always pushing him to talk and that only makes him angry because he doesn't like being pushed either. He's getting better at it but I still feel like I don't really know what's going on in his head."

There had been far too many instances of one--or both of them--not knowing what the other was really thinking. They ended up guessing and sometimes their guesses were completely wrong. Those erroneous assumptions put them at odds and they ended up fighting over things that quite possibly could've been resolved more easily if they'd known the truth.

She got so incredibly frustrated at the way he shut her out of his thoughts and feelings that she probably pushed him at times when she shouldn't. By the same token, there were probably times when she should have pushed him and didn't. Then she got frustrated with herself because she seemed to get it wrong so often.

"I don't know that we're on the same page yet, not about a lot of issues. More like we're on the same page about not being on the same page. But this is a start, right?" she said, glancing at Megan for confirmation. She looked back to House then, hoping he'd understand she wasn't criticizing him. She was simply trying to sum up where they stood at the moment, and that where they stood was a good place to more forward from.

"As far as writing a letter myself...." It was if Megan was offering her a chance to do exactly what she was always trying to do--get House to listen to her. Of course she wasn't going to say no to that. "Well, if I wrote everything I want him to understand, it could end up being a book." She gave House a rueful smile because she knew he probably expected--even dreaded--that possibility. He knew she had a lot she wanted to say, a lot she wanted him to hear. Now that she had a captive audience--so to speak--she was going to use the opportunity but she didn't want to abuse it.

"I won't do that, though," she promised him. "I'll stick to a few things that are important to me. Things that are important for us. And if that doesn't make your head explode, we can move on to other things."

House frowned. Not on the same page? On the same page about not being on the same page? "But..." he began.

Megan was nodding at Cuddy's question about this being a start because it definitely was a start. If House felt less isolated and alienated, more connected to people who mattered to him and to whom he mattered, that would help his recovery immensely. "Greg," she interrupted him. "Let Lisa speak. It's important to hear what she has to say."

House shot Megan an annoyed look but he did as he was told. Maybe he was simplifying things way too much but he thought he'd covered a lot of issues in his letter. He'd hoped the letter would address everything and Cuddy would understand where he was coming from at last and things would be better.

He raised his brows in mild confusion when she said that if she wrote him everything it would be a book. What was she saying? She had way more issues with him than he had with her? His letter had only been five pages. "Gee, that sounds exciting," he said dryly when she said about his head exploding.

Megan looked at him. "You don't sound very happy about what Lisa said," she observed.

"What gave you that idea? I'm ecstatic," he replied, sarcastic.

She ignored his deflection. "What has upset you about Lisa's response?"

"I'm not upset."

"What are you feeling, then?"

House crossed his arms over his chest. He jiggled his good leg and glanced at Cuddy. "I knew Cuddy had a lot to say, but I didn't know she had that much to say."

"That surprises you?" Megan asked.

"Wouldn't it surprise you?"

"It's not my relationship, Greg. I can't make a comment on that." She leaned forward. "I understand it's difficult to hear Lisa has so much she wants to say to you. But it seems pretty reasonable to me that she's offering to address the issues in manageable sizes instead of one huge chunk. Tell me what you find stressful about knowing she has a lot she wants to say."

"The fact that she has a lot to say," he retorted.

"And why does that stress you?"

"Because!" he exclaimed. "She has that many issues with me?!"

"She didn't say that," Megan pointed out. "Lisa's exact words were 'things that are important to me'. Think about that phrase. She's not accusing you of anything, Greg. She's pointing out that she has things she wants to talk about and all she wants you to do is listen, just like she listened to you and what you had to say in your letter."

House shifted on the chair restlessly.

"You're very quick to jump to the defensive," Megan observed.

"So's she," he replied, pointing at Cuddy.

"Does she?" Megan raised her brows at House when he looked at her. "Obviously, I don't know Lisa as well as you do - I've only met her for the first time today. But so far, she's demonstrated to me that she's reasonable and easy to reason with."

"Are you saying I'm not?"

"No, I'm not. That's not what I'm saying." She motioned to him. "It's interesting that's your immediate reaction and assumption, however."

"I'm probably going to regret asking this, but how is it interesting?"

"It's interesting because the way in which people react and respond to others says a great deal about themselves, more than it does about the person they're reacting to." She paused to let him say something if he wanted to; she pressed on when he seemed to have nothing to respond with. "Do you think it might be possible that the reason Lisa reacts defensively is because you react defensively?"

"So, this is my fault," he surmised in an accusing tone.

"No," Megan said firmly. She sighed, getting slightly frustrated. "Greg, think about how you're responding right now. Tell me why you're interpreting what I'm saying as an attack."

"You just told me that you think Cuddy reacts defensively because I do. Ergo, it's my fault."

Megan shook her head. "No. I'm asking you to think about your reaction. Your feelings. May I make an observation you probably won't like?"

"What if I say no? You're probably going to tell me anyway, right?"

"I think you react the way you do because you're insecure. You confessed to not liking yourself - are you afraid that Lisa is telling you she doesn't love you when she criticises you?"

"Of course that's what I'm afraid of," he snapped immediately. The moment the words were out of his mouth, he clenched his jaw and looked at Cuddy.

"But it's very obvious to me that Lisa loves you deeply," Megan said, her tone gentler. "Do you think it says more about Lisa or more about you how you feel? That may sound like a silly question but think about it." She paused. "Do you think it's possible you're reacting strongly to the fact that Lisa has a lot of things she wants to say to you because you're aware of all the issues you need to work through?"

"I know I have a lot of issues I have to work through," he shot back.

Megan nodded encouragingly. "You do. And you deserve to give yourself credit for the fact that you are acknowledging that." She gestured to Cuddy. "Lisa's issues are not your issues, you realise. I'm not saying those issues have nothing to do with you, but I am saying that what she feels and thinks belong to her. They don't belong to you. The only job you have to do is listen to her when she wants to express her thoughts and feelings."

She turned to Cuddy. "Am I making sense?"

Cuddy stared at House, a stunned expression on her face. She didn't understand where his anger was coming from. She honestly didn't think she'd said anything negative. She'd admitted they had a long way to go but she was just being honest. They did have a lot of work to do, and he knew it. She didn't understand why he took it as an attack on him.

"I didn't say that," Cuddy insisted when he started going on about how she had so many issues with him. She couldn't say any more, though, because Megan once again stepped in. Cuddy was tempted to tell her butt out and let her talk to House directly. Fortunately, she had enough sense to realize that wasn't a good idea. She stayed silent although she was growing increasingly frustrated and upset.

"Yes, of course," she said curtly when Megan asked if she understood. "I never...and he knows...." Cuddy lifted her hand to her forehead, shading her eyes as she took a few deep breaths. She felt that pressure building, the pressure that made her want to yell or scream or tear her hair out, anything to relieve the pressure. She fought it back, though, holding it inside.

"I think we should forget about me writing a letter," she said in a low voice. She shouldn't let him upset her. She shouldn't let this hurt her. It was nothing new. It was typical House behavior and she shouldn't get her hopes up that was going to change in any significant way, not any time soon.

"I don't think it's a good idea," she continued, dropping her hand to her stomach although she kept her gaze directed toward the floor. "Not until he stops seeing me as the enemy."

"I don't see you as an enemy," House exclaimed, but even as the words were out of his mouth he realised how wrong he was. He threw his hands up and looked away.

Megan had been giving Cuddy an assessing look but when House spoke, she turned her attention to him. "You don't?" she pressed.

House looked at her sharply. He opened his mouth, ready to argue, but then looked away again with a relenting sigh. He remembered the time he'd confessed to Wilson that he didn't want to treat Cuddy like an enemy, the way he'd done to Stacy, and had told Wilson he was afraid he was doing the same thing. Just like he was doing now. He shrugged. "Maybe," he admitted in a murmur.

"Is Lisa your enemy or is she on your side, like we talked about?" Megan asked. It seemed like a stupidly simple question but the question wasn't asked for her benefit. It was for his benefit, to get him to talk his feelings out and to think rationally about his responses.

House refused to respond. He knew the answer. He didn't want to admit he was wrong - he'd done more than enough admitting of that in today's session.

When it became apparent House wasn't going to respond, Megan turned to Cuddy. "It probably seems a bit jolting to you to be experiencing Greg's rapid mood swings," she said. "Though, he's been unwell for a quite of a number of months, so perhaps you're used to them. I'm not sure how much you've read up on PTSD or how familiar you are with it as a doctor, but one of the major symptoms of PTSD is severe mood swings, along with heightened paranoia of others, struggles with relationships, major depression, physical symptoms such as jumpiness, nightmares..."

She ticked the symptoms off with her fingers as she spoke. "It's very difficult for a person suffering PTSD to control their reactions because the trauma that they've experienced has manifested in a way that affects their mental processing. Coupled with feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that comes with depression..." She gestured to House. "This is largely why Greg reacts to you the way he does. And that's one of the things he and I are working on in therapy, with the aid of medication: so he can learn ways to better manage his mood and his responses to others, to cope and move past the trauma. Because while the trauma that happened to him is eight or more months in the past, for Greg it's still in the present."

She gave Cuddy a small, encouraging smile, hoping she'd understand what she was saying. "Obviously, it's your decision if you want to write it or not," she continued. "But I actually think writing that letter would be a good thing. It's good because you would have had time to think about what you want to say and you can say it without interruption, and it may actually help Greg understand your feelings if they're written down in concise order. There won't be any explosive emotions, no explosive arguments...

"I strongly urge you to reconsider my suggestion. It's obvious that this is affecting you, too, and you need to be able to work through it as well. The best way you can do that is to find a way to communicate with Greg, and if writing letters is the only way for now, then so be it. It's a start, just like you said."

Edited 2009-08-05 03:00 (UTC)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject